Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How can someone RSVP to a wedding when they haven't been invited???

105 replies

MrsGideon · 15/05/2019 10:10

I'm getting married next Sunday. We're having a small wedding with just close family and friends. For context, I am not even inviting my own cousins even though I'm close to a lot of them, because they live abroad and we wanted to keep numbers down.

My MIL lives in another country with her partner who has two DC from a previous marriage. The DC weren't invited, as my DP doesn't feel close to them at all (his DM and her partner got together when all the DC were adults). We sent out save the dates about a year in advance to all the people we wanted to invite, and informed MIL and partner that we were not inviting the DC. They seemed fine with it.

Anyway, about 5 months ago, before we had sent official invitations, MIL texted DP with a picture of her flight confirmation showing that she, her partner AND DC2 had all booked flights for the wedding! We were obviously pissed off because we had told them we weren't intending to invite DC2, but let it slide because there was bugger all we could do at that point. When we sent out invitations, we included DC2's name just to be nice.

Fast forward to now, 1.5 WEEKS UNTIL THE WEDDING, and DC1 has now 'confirmed attendance'!!! DP and I are utterly incredulous but we can't say anything because we need to keep the peace for the sake of a drama free wedding.

Call me crazy, but surely you can't confirm attendance to SOMETHING YOU HAVEN'T BEEN INVITED TO???

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 15/05/2019 14:57

Why can’t people Read the fucking thread?

Ah. That age-old conundrum...

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/05/2019 15:55

MRsGideons Timeline, just cos it might help some posters

Wedding minus 1 year: Sends out quick "Save the Date" - DM is told that her OHs adult kids (AKs 1+ 2) are NOT INVITED

Wedding minus 5 months: DM contacts them all excited, shows them booked tickes, including 1 OF THE AKs - is asked why AK1 has booked a ticket "For the wedding" comes the reply. DH says .... nada possibly!

*Wedding minus

7salmonswimming · 15/05/2019 16:12

This isn’t CFery on the part of MIL. She’s just ridden roughshod over her own son. I doubt she gave you a spare thought.

The conversation with her DP will have been along the lines of how she and DP need to plan around a trip to the UK....what’ll it cost....oh let’s make a trip of it, do some other stuff....Blair’s always wanted to go to the UK, let’s all go together....but what will she do while we’re at the wedding that day?...oh don’t worry DFiance won’t mind... let’s book before tickets get more expensive .... oh look here’s the invitation, dates are confirmed [pays no attention to who’s listed]... hey Leslie, we’re going to London next week and your plans have fallen through, why not come with us!!

It’s either that, or she knows the step-DC aren’t invited and flat out couldn’t give a shit. Either way, you’re both way down her list of considerations.

I have a MIL a bit like this. It’s haaaaaaaard.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Original poster
MrsGideon · 15/05/2019 16:12

CuriousaboutSamphire Thanks Grin

I didn't realise my OP was so hard to understand but I did type it approx 2 minutes after receiving the news so was possibly not in the right frame of mind!

OP posts:
piffar · 15/05/2019 16:25

to be honest, i think you should have said that the first DC couldn't come because of numbers, but that you wouldnt mind seeing them before/after the wedding.

By adding the name to the invite, you basically gave free reign to your (CF!) MIL who thought you wouldn't question an extra DC coming along too.

I would outright say it's too late to come now - 10 days! So rude.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/05/2019 16:27

Ach! It made perfect sense, honest!

It's just one of those things... some posters skim read some times, I do it myself, I suspect we all do. We're just lucky in that we don't mangle the sense of the OP (usually) Smile

42andcounting · 15/05/2019 18:29

I totally get it OP. We had a microwedding too, 26 people including us and DC. We really wanted it to be very small and quiet, immediate family only (big family, so literally siblings, nieces and nephews), and as a result some people who we really love were not included in that number. I'd have been raging if some randomer had invited themselves under those circumstances Angry

YemenRoadYemen · 15/05/2019 18:56

Your OP is perfectly clear, but by putting DC1 on this invitation you have, albeit inadvertently, set off this chain of events.

You have actively invited DC1, when you would far rather have invited, say, a cousin. You felt compelled to 'be nice' to a random over a cousin.

Having invited DC1, an assumption has then been made that DC2 is also invited, because why would you only invited / exclude (whichever way you want to frame it) one 'child'?

Accepting a (non) invitation 10 days before the event is rude. MIL is rude. The DC are rude.

But I honestly don't think the outcome that's resulted is all that strange, stemming back, as it does, to you putting DC1's name on the invitation. Grin You could so easily not have done this.

And your DP could so easily have nipped this in the bud when he first found out DC1 has invited themselves.

PineapplesandtheGovernment · 16/05/2019 07:45

Is it a cultural difference? ie. Are they from a culture where there's no such thing as a microwedding and family would always be welcome?

BringMeTea · 16/05/2019 08:12

So so many lazy dense posters. RTFT properly!

PineapplesandtheGovernment · 16/05/2019 08:16

You sound lovely bloody rude Hmm I read all the op's posts before commenting and didn't see anything answering my question. Even if i did miss the answer you are still bloody rude

WeeDangerousSpike · 16/05/2019 08:41

I once went to a wedding I wasn't invited to Blush and I took my partner BlushBlush

My cousin sent my parents an invitation, it had no names on at all. Just, 'you are invited'

DM said to me and DB 'cousin x has sent an invitation, she said it's for you too.'

'oh lovely, I said, I'd love to go'

DM rsvp'd. I didn't know cousin's address, didn't have my own invitation with details etc. Asked DM have you rsvp'd for us. Oh yes, all done.

Wedding day comes around, we all rock up together in our posh frocks, I go to congratulate cousin and see a split second look of complete panic and confusion. But she covers very well. I'm feeling a little uncomfortable now but not sure what's going on. Then another relative comes over and discreetly asks my DPs name - bride's a bit flustered and can't remember, very sorry.

Then I see them making up 2 more settings at the table! I want to die at this point.

Hiss at DM, did you rsvp for us?! Oh yes. What did you say, EXACTLY?! oh, I just text and said we were coming. Did you say who 'we' was? Oh no... Not really....

I was 30 and had moved out of home 10yrs previously at that point. Apparently she'd just assumed DB and I were invited, cousin x had never said it at all. It was a really small wedding too, and they hadn't invited people they would have liked to.

Still makes me feel all hot and cold thinking about it.

Original poster
MrsGideon · 16/05/2019 14:00

PineapplesandtheGovernment No, they're British. They just live very very far away so when they originally told us about the booked flights, DP didn't at that point feel like he could say 'Blair' couldn't come to the wedding.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGideon · 16/05/2019 14:01

WeeDangerousSpike Oh goddd that sounds mortifying!! By the sounds of it though, totally not your fault Flowers

OP posts:
Strandliv · 16/05/2019 14:05

Your mistake was putting DC2's name 'to be nice' on the invitation.
This.

As DC2 is an adult and wasn’t originally invited they may have been in the flight confirmation purely to come over for a holiday and a break and had no intention of coming. But then you invited them and now
Clearly DC1 feels put out. You should have addressed this earlier when you saw the booking confirmation.

Whoops75 · 16/05/2019 14:13

I bet Blair and Leslie have never seen the invitation and MIL has told them they are invited.

My mil did this to us, invited us to a 70th birthday party and not even the birthday persons children were there,we had one drink and left.
We go to nothing now unless asked directly.

Original poster
MrsGideon · 16/05/2019 14:58

Strandliv If you read the thread, you'll see that we did address this as soon as we saw they'd booked flights. DP rang MIL and asked her why Blair was coming and she said 'for the wedding'. Leslie was supposed to be travelling in Asia over the wedding so it's actually a bit of a surprise that she's decided to come now as well

OP posts:
sarahqueenofp · 16/05/2019 15:09

I wouldn’t personally dream of RSVPing to a wedding I wasn’t invited to; it is bizarre. Possibly Blair and Leslie have only heard about it through the MIL who asked if they were coming and didn’t bother to mention not invited. I’d definitely tell them to eff off if it was me. My friend’s DH had to message a friend who replied to the full day link to their wedding and clarify that they had only received an evening invitation. They were just like ok fine.

Eliza9919 · 16/05/2019 15:22

It's just the assumption that Leslie can just decide she's coming with 10 days to go

I'd say no. But then I'd have stopped the other cheeky fucker inviting themselves at the time of booking flights too.

Tell them the seating plan is done, the numbers have been given to the caterers, the drinks package paid for and they can't expect to attend when letting you know they want to come when they haven't even been invited, with 10 days to go.

Eliza9919 · 16/05/2019 15:23

Strandliv If you read the thread, you'll see that we did address this as soon as we saw they'd booked flights. DP rang MIL and asked her why Blair was coming and she said 'for the wedding'.

This is where your DP should have said, but Blair isn't invited.

Leslie was supposed to be travelling in Asia over the wedding so it's actually a bit of a surprise that she's decided to come now as well

People can't just decide they are going to other peoples weddings. Put your foot down!

YemenRoadYemen · 16/05/2019 17:36

This thread is nothing but a bit of a passive whinge.

The OP and or her DP could've:

  • called MIL and said Blair wasn't invited when they found out he'd booked his flights
  • not actually put Blair's name on the invitation
  • call MIL now and say Leslie's not invited

But they're too ineffectual to. Or perhaps scared of MIL.

icelollycraving · 16/05/2019 18:58

I’m more surprised at the fake names you chose for the step sisters. You can’t invite one without the others so suck it up I’m afraid. Have a lovely wedding day!

Contraceptionismyfriend · 16/05/2019 19:23

What a ridiculous notion. Of course you can invite one adult and not the other. They are pre schoolers

thecatsthecats · 16/05/2019 19:37

OPs hilarious passive handling aside, I think far too little account is given to what that's some wedding guests can be.

We had:

  • my aunt complain about all THREE menu choices, and that the date interfered with her shopping plans
  • a friend who never paid for his room (£60 for two nights, free bar, all food Fri-Sun) and asked to bring a date ten days before the wedding
  • the dickhead who absolutely insisted on a separate paper invite when we'd sent one to his family, and then didn't bother to RSVP

And yet 90% of what you hear about on MN is anti "bridezilla". I always think it's probably someone at the absolute fucking end of their tether.

MyFavouritePlace · 16/05/2019 19:52

My friend's mum RSVPd before our invites had even been printed by calling my mum who was too embarrassed and we ended up inviting her!

Swipe left for the next trending thread