Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How can someone RSVP to a wedding when they haven't been invited???

105 replies

MrsGideon · 15/05/2019 10:10

I'm getting married next Sunday. We're having a small wedding with just close family and friends. For context, I am not even inviting my own cousins even though I'm close to a lot of them, because they live abroad and we wanted to keep numbers down.

My MIL lives in another country with her partner who has two DC from a previous marriage. The DC weren't invited, as my DP doesn't feel close to them at all (his DM and her partner got together when all the DC were adults). We sent out save the dates about a year in advance to all the people we wanted to invite, and informed MIL and partner that we were not inviting the DC. They seemed fine with it.

Anyway, about 5 months ago, before we had sent official invitations, MIL texted DP with a picture of her flight confirmation showing that she, her partner AND DC2 had all booked flights for the wedding! We were obviously pissed off because we had told them we weren't intending to invite DC2, but let it slide because there was bugger all we could do at that point. When we sent out invitations, we included DC2's name just to be nice.

Fast forward to now, 1.5 WEEKS UNTIL THE WEDDING, and DC1 has now 'confirmed attendance'!!! DP and I are utterly incredulous but we can't say anything because we need to keep the peace for the sake of a drama free wedding.

Call me crazy, but surely you can't confirm attendance to SOMETHING YOU HAVEN'T BEEN INVITED TO???

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGideon · 15/05/2019 10:48

DuckbilledSplatterPuff This is actually really good advice and I will speak to DP about calling her ASAP. Thank you

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 15/05/2019 10:48

OP didn't say it was a child free wedding. It sounds like MIL's step DC are grown up anyway. That is not the issue.

She said MIL and partner invited but not their DC.. DC2 was travelling independently and MIL said they were therefore not coming to the wedding but has now changed her mind and with 1.5 weeks notice says that DC2 is now coming to the wedding.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/05/2019 10:48

Bloody hell very rude. Unless the drip feed the ds is a child.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
SleepingStandingUp · 15/05/2019 10:48

At that point, we did ask if the other one was intending on coming see I'd take that as an invitation. You asked if they were coming!
Sorry, I get it frustrating but DP should have spoken to his Mum at the time and said sorry, but we've already told you the DC's aren't invited. Having then decided to invite them to keep the peace, and asked if the other was coming, you invited them both.

NotMyPuppy · 15/05/2019 10:50

OP didn’t invite the person that has just RSVPd but even if she had, confirming attendance 1.5 weeks in advance is shoddy and rude.

OP you have put a name in your last post - might want to ask MNHQ to delete.

I actually don’t blame you by the way for just letting them come to be polite. I also didn’t want to cause upset and drama when I got married and can see why you didn’t think it worth the hassle.

NotMyPuppy · 15/05/2019 10:51

Ignore me - I can see that they are fake names!

Megs4x3 · 15/05/2019 10:52

My apologies @MrsGideon, I had misunderstood. In that case, as they are adults, I would contact them directly and uninvited them, especially the one who has never been named. The one who ended up on the invite is a bit more tricky. What does your DFiance think?

SleepingStandingUp · 15/05/2019 10:52

OP didn’t invite the person that has just RSVPd she asked if they were coming, which suggests that YES is an acceptable answer so she basically invited their attendance.

mindutopia · 15/05/2019 10:52

It’s rude of Leslie to invite herself (by the sounds of it, she’s an adult so she should be able to just entertain herself somewhere on the day of the wedding or cancel her travel), but you did invite Blair so I don’t think you can be upset about that. I would have sent invites with only MIL and her partner invited if that’s what you wanted. Is Blair old enough to be on her own anyway? 16 and not 6, for example? If she’s a child, I can see why it would be hard to attend without her as they live abroad.

Original poster
MrsGideon · 15/05/2019 10:52

As I mentioned in my OP, they are adults.

And like I said, I'm less pissed off by the fact that they're coming (our caterer is thankfully a family friend so we can amend numbers and she won't be bothered), but more that she's confirmed so late in the day. Surely that's rude, regardless of whether you're invited or not?

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 15/05/2019 10:52

@Megs4x3 what thread are you reading?! Neither DC was on the save the date, and only DC2 was added to the invite when she had already bought a plane ticket despite not being invited!

We had this at our wedding with new partners not having been added to a couple of my friends invites (numbers were so tight and these were really new relationships, hadn't even met them) and the friends just rsvped for both of them.

Megs4x3 · 15/05/2019 10:53

Or allow them to come just to keep the peace. Sorry, posted too soon.

KissMeBunty · 15/05/2019 10:53

It could be that MIL was bringing her stepchild to this country but was in no way expecting you to invite her to the wedding- she could have been off doing something else, no? So when you added her name to the invite, your MIL thought, oh how nice.
And then the other stepchild might have been offended because you invited only one sibling. In your MIL's place, I'd think you were just being really chilled out and laid back with guests (seeing as you changed your mind about who to invite) and told the other stepchild that.

MyKingdomForBrie · 15/05/2019 10:54

Oops xpost!

Original poster
MrsGideon · 15/05/2019 10:54

Yeah I know, I've made my bed with Blair coming. That's all fine now. It's just the assumption that Leslie can just decide she's coming with 10 days to go

OP posts:
AndOutComeTheBoobs · 15/05/2019 10:54

You put their names on the invitation and you're outraged that they assumed this meant they could attend?

This is absolutely ridiculous.
Are you serious?

Megs4x3 · 15/05/2019 10:54

@MyKingdomForBrie, OP set me straight and I have apologised.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/05/2019 10:55

It would seem that the invitation wasn't crystal clear.

Why put someone's name on the invitation 'to be nice' , if you never intended them to come? They may have deduced that you left the other out by mistake, since it would seem very odd to invite one and not the other - unless there was some well known reason like a massive falling out.
IMO it's too late to rectify now without upsetting people. If your venue can cope with a couple more, there's little harm done - except for a bigger bill for the catering.

Original poster
MrsGideon · 15/05/2019 10:56

KissMeBunty I get what you're saying, but DP rang when she sent the flight confirmations to ask why Blair was coming to the UK, and they said for the wedding. I don't know why he didn't say something at the time, I wasn't there when he called. By the time I found out, it was too late to do anything about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGideon · 15/05/2019 10:57

OK, let's ignore the invitation situation for a moment. Is it not rude to RSVP to a wedding 10 days in advance?

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 15/05/2019 10:57

You put Blair’s name on the invitation, that means you invited them

Acis · 15/05/2019 10:57

it would have caused a colossal argument and fall out if we had said the DCs couldn't come after one of them had already booked flights.

Would it have? To be honest, unless they'd specifically said that it was for the purpose of attending the wedding I think I might have gone for the assumption that, as an adult, the DC in question was coming along for the ride and had other plans for that day. Given that you'd already said the DCs weren't invited, I can't see why it would cause further argument if you'd just said something like "Oh, I see that Blair's coming with you. I take it he's doing his own thing elsewhere on (wedding date)?"

Acis · 15/05/2019 10:59

Ah, sorry, cross posted - I see that your DH did ask why he was coming. Maybe it would have been better for him to phrase it in terms like "Of course, Blair isn't expecting to come to the wedding, is he, after our discussion last year?"

CloudPop · 15/05/2019 11:01

Maybe check that Blair and Leslie aren't planning to bring partners - they seem to feel no shame

AndwhenyougetthereFoffsomemore · 15/05/2019 11:01

Confirming attendance 10 days before a wedding is pretty dreadful (I assume there was an RSVP by on the invitation...) on the wedding, especially if you've previously (via MIL) confirmed you are NOT attending. Thinking that you've been invited to a wedding when your brother has explicitly been invited and the groom verbally asked if you were planning to attend is less cheeky, sorry! YOU may have felt clear that you were inviting under duress but that wasn't necessarily clear to the DC (bearing in mind MIL may not have communicated it). Assuming these DC are young adults, they may not have much of a sense of wedding ettiquette yet but MIL certainly should do!