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Original poster

Welcome to the Advice Clinic - Please come in

999 replies

pineapplebryanbrown · 12/05/2019 00:18

Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions? My team of unqualified but experienced Agony Aunts and myself have a 100% success rate. We're very friendly and never judgemental. Even if you're riddled with the clap.

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36
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 23/05/2019 22:01

I like Theresa May. I like her robot voice and the desperate drawn look which suggests she will soon snap and throttle one of the many useless men surrounding her. Hope it's Moggy.

ProjectGainsborough · 23/05/2019 22:17

Oh god I can’t wait for TM to snap. It would be so great. I hope they televise it.

Johnny ANY of those things would help.

Orchidoptic · 23/05/2019 22:24

How do I get out of bed to have some tea? (Aka dinner)

ProjectGainsborough · 23/05/2019 22:30

Does your house have floors orchidoptic? Can you roll to the food?

DogHairEverywhere · 23/05/2019 22:30

Orchid, you can order a fuckboy from Argos, then get him to cook for you. When you've bore of him, either lock him up in the cellar or we'll come and kill him for you, I've got some leftover plastic sheeting.

DogHairEverywhere · 23/05/2019 22:32

I'm liking the rolling/floor idea. If your tea consisted of maltesers, then perhaps you could ask someone to roll them into your mouth. You could rig up a marble run through your house to make this easier.

CarolinePooter · 23/05/2019 22:36

You see orchid you have come to the right place for problem solving! We should be in charge of the Government!

Orchidoptic · 23/05/2019 22:48

Indeed. I shall practise my rolling skills, though I have carpets and risk getting a burn.

I feel that you would be much better at running the Government than the wet flannels we have at the moment.

CarolinePooter · 23/05/2019 23:01

Well our manifesto promises Reverse Improvement , which at least very honest of us.

CarolinePooter · 23/05/2019 23:05

Which is

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 23/05/2019 23:19

Plus we promise No Movement which would solve Brexit, we really can fix anything!

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Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 23/05/2019 23:27

Where's DT? She said she was off to work this morning but this is ridiculous. I hope she hasn't gone to a self improvement class. Or a WI meeting? Just praying that she's out whoring and drinking.

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DogHairEverywhere · 23/05/2019 23:38

Perhaps she decided to spoil her ballot paper in a totally DT way, and the crowd have called for an encore?

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 24/05/2019 08:54

I'm concerned that DT has been sectioned. It's not on really, she's a murderer but is she really hurting anyone?

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Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 24/05/2019 08:58

I think my shits are reversing, I ploughed through a kilo of summer berries yesterday and expected an explosive shit or 7 this morning. No, one measly half shit.

I then weighed myself and I've lost 4 lbs. It was difficult to see over my remaining tits but pretty sure.

Which begs the question, where's my shit?

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Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 24/05/2019 09:04

I didn't enjoy the kilo of summer berries but there are starving children in China and I like to do my bit by clearing my plate.

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DanglyTassles · 24/05/2019 09:33

Help help! Stage a rescue! I have been sectioned!!

It happened because bastarding work are such slave drives I had far too many accounts to see to by myself (like one) and my mind blew. I forgot it was my customer service role and not my 'turn' at the Gentlemens' Club. So there I was shaking my tassles at the speed of sound whilst performing the Rugby Ball Trick. ... next thing I'm being escorted out the building by three doctors and asked what day of the week it is and what is in the news today!

Anyway they did not accept that life's always a Saturday to me and that there's probably an item on Cliff Richard, so off we went to my new home.

I don't like it in here, I've important shizz to do like lie on my own sofa, but the foods alright tbf!

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 24/05/2019 09:42

DT are they letting you drink at least? I'm not surprised work put you with the customers/punters, you're so versatile. Drunk by day, murderer and whore by night.

Are there any potential recruits in the locked ward? Nuzzle together in your straitjackets.

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Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 24/05/2019 09:51

DT earnestly explain Thighland to them so they release you. Remember the organ bucket, the captured Danish actor, the menacing cards and the plastic sheeting. You've already got your facial tattoos and slanket. You must communicate via piss to emphasise your points.

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Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 24/05/2019 09:52

Have you got a set of BumTips with you? Demonstrate them, on the doctors.

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CarolinePooter · 24/05/2019 09:58

dangly enjoy the rest! If nothing else you can play the breakdown card with work, and be permitted some paid leave. Obviously they have driven you to it, and need to treat you very carefully in case you sue them. Stay strong!

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 24/05/2019 10:00

Shout quod erat demonstrandum at the doctors, if you quote Latin you're not nuts. That's a medical fact.

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DanglyTassles · 24/05/2019 10:04

Well there's another issue! It was a real eye-opener to find out I'm not allowed my rum with my tea!!

"But I always drink ten times my body weight on a Friday" I did protest, "And anyway Thigh got it for me special from MrsCat's Island, she was kidnapped, don't ya know, MrsC not Thigh but ended up with the upper hand and dealt with the fuckers herself, and I took a large titted lady to Thigh's house from the ocean on a pube-mobile ...

Bastards said nothing and just scribbled notes really fast!

I shouted after them 'What about my rum?'

Silence was the stern responce!

CarolinePooter · 24/05/2019 10:09

They just can't HANDLE the truth!!

DanglyTassles · 24/05/2019 10:16

I know CP and they need to be educated!!

I might start a school in here and teach 'The Lore of the Thighway'