Need to cancel our holiday, what to tell the children?

[Whyknot]

Dh has just been diagnosed with a serious condition, still undergoing tests so we'll know more in about 6 weeks.

We are due to go abroad in the Whit holidays, docs advice is not to and the holiday insurance have said he won't be able to get any cover until all testing is completed. So holiday is cancelled

We need to tell dc we're not going on holiday but how without making them worry, would rather wait to tell them more once all testing is done?

We have dsd 16 who is in the middle of her GCSEs, dsd 13 and our ds 8.

They're going to be so upset, ds has been counting the days and hasn't been abroad for 2 years, so is so excited.

Realistically to soften the blow we can probably do a UK hol in Aug, but nothing in Whit, as appts are likely to be that week.

What reason shall we give them?

Just another thought, if you do tell dsd the truth/version of it, let school know - they can inform the exam board if they feel it's affected her grades (they can compare against mocks). I'm on the fence about the tell/don't tell - I wasn't told about my grandmother during my GCSEs and found out snooping her medical notes on the hospital bed when I went before an afternoon exam, would have been better coming from my parents.

We have a lot of this kind of thing in our house, not durectly before GCSEs yet, but we always play it the same way: boring. Tests and appointments are very boring grown up things as far as the kids know. They are 12 & 14 so not young but we just keep everything very very dull until we have something to say.

I suspect a 16 yo would be very suspicious or not satisfied of a vague ‘need to postpone’ explanation.

Lost / expired passports?

Fire at villa? Enabling insurance claim for hol later.

Stop telling OP to lie and tell ridiculous stories. The older DC are 13/16 not little babies, life is about learning to cope and deal with situations/ emotions, shielding your DC from reality is a really stupid way to behave and can lead to resentment at being lied to.
Again, if DH is well enough go the holiday, notify hospital of dates and enjoy, what an absolute drama, be HONEST.

16 is nearly an adult. I can understand lying to a 3 year old, but not a 16 year old. When I was young a lot of research was being published showing that lying to kids was a very bad idea. And lots of parents seemed to be taking that on board. So I am shocked to read this thread and see how little parenting has actually moved on.

Not divulging every aspect of your life to your children is not lying though.

I have a 14 and 15 year old. They have no idea that last year I had an abnormal smear result and had to go for further tests (thankfully all clear)

They would have been straight on google researching everything no matter how ‘age appropriate’ I made it, it would have been a load of worry for thankfully nothing, and tbh I didn’t want them to have that worry on their shoulders. Obviously if the results I’d have been different I would have told them but only once I knew what was going on. I don’t see the point in upsetting them unless it’s absolutely necessary.

But the OP can not just not mention this. Either she has to tell the truth or lie. None of us tell our kids everything, but that is different from lying.

Just say dad is unwell and we can’t go but hope to go at a later date. They will be upset but I think they will whatever you say.
You will be telling the truth but playing it down.

Sorry you are going through this. Remember to look after yourself.

Again, if DH is well enough go the holiday, notify hospital of dates and enjoy, what an absolute drama, be HONEST.

Doctors have advised against travelling, and if they do go, their insurance won't cover them. Do you really think it's a good idea to go?

Well, the holiday isn’t until later is it? So there’s no need to tell them precisely now if the issue isn’t going to be for a few months iyswim.

Unless the testing means that your DH is going to be going into hospital during your dsd’s exams then they don’t need to know anything until you get to the point where you need to tell them about the cancellation by which point you may have more details about the medical condition anyway and can be honest with them.

I don’t believe that you should lie to thirteen and sixteen year olds, but at this point there’s nothing to tell anyway so you’re not lying iyswim.

I am currently going through this myself as having waited for surgery for a serious life limiting illness I have been given a date for the surgery to happen during my DS’ GCSE’s. There has in fact been some suggestion from other quarters that I should cancel the surgery but truth is that if I do that there is no knowing if/when I can have it again so it has to go ahead.

But my DS knows everything about my medical condition but it would have been impossible to lie to him anyway as it’s open heart surgery I’m having.

But the OP can not just not mention this. Either she has to tell the truth or lie. None of us tell our kids everything, but that is different from lying

‘Somethings come up and I’m sorry but we’re going to have to postpone our holiday until the summer’

No need to go into any details

Doctor advised not must not go.
Lots of people travel without insurance; is he needing medical care abroad? Likely to need home urgently?
Unless we actually know the condition/seriousness we can't say.
To lie to the DC is deplorable and sets a terrible precedent.
@evildog yours was completely different no parallel; PP are encouraging lying and making up scenarios.

Can you not go without him? Does he need someone at home to care for him? Is the condition life threatening?

I wouldn't cancel a holiday for DC unless DH was in hospital! It won't make any difference to getting the results or the outcome and he may appreciate a bit of space whilst waiting for the results which will be very stressful.

I would tell DC's Dad is having some tests and can't travel. DH wouldn't want DC to miss out either.

I would be concerned that your 16yo DSD will clock something is up, worry about it anyway, not speak to you about it as she isn't sure and it affects her GCSE's anyway. By saying something now you can get special dispensation in the exams so it doesn't affect her grades.

How are you going to deal with the appointments in half term with the children being around? Might the 8yo will pick up on something? He only has to mention something to the older ones and they could think anything is happening. What if DSD speaks to her mum about it (does her mum know?), that could be difficult as it adds another adult into the mix of lying (does everyone know the 'party line', how much to say?)

I do think I'd say something truthful. DH has a problem with his stomach/bowel/brain and the hospital are likely to book him another appointment when we're away on holiday. We can't change the hospital appointment so are going to change the holiday dates. I guess I'd also have some answers in my head to questions that are likely to be asked, depending on the detail you know and how much you are able/want to share. I would tell all three children the same thing.

stucknoue no that's not how it works. A parent going in for tests in case it transpires something is wrong is not sufficient to trigger mitigation - quite right too.

There are some dramatic suggestions flying around - fire at villa!!!! When an excuse is needed so as not to worry DC then staying as close to the truth without actually divulging it is the way to go. Pressure of work would do. Can't quarrel with pressure of work.

Or if you want to shift any blame how about: Extinction Rebellion has made us reconsider the morality of flying, just for a one week holiday?

I think people are missing the point...

Evildog you didn't have a problem, you thought you might have, which (fortunately) turned out to be unfounded.

OP says her DH has been dx with a serious problem.

Further tests and hospital appointments will be required - do people suggest lying about those too? A watered down version of the truth is surely the best way here (depending on the dx of course).

Lots of people travel without insurance

Anyone who travels abroad without adequate insurance, even without a pre-existing health condition, is irresponsible, to put it mildly. And why would you go against doctors' advice?

There is a difference between health insurance and cancellation insurance. Not having cancellation insurance just means you would be out of pocket.

I can't believe some of you woukd still go on holiday and leave your DH at home on his own to go through any tests he may need 😮 Don't you think this may be the time that the DH actually needs the support (and the distraction) of his family? 😕

I would go for a balls up on the holiday booking. Eg the dates were wrong and it got booked over a school week. Or the year was wrong.

Those of you saying that is wrong to tell a lie (although what's really being said is to delay telling the truth) clearly haven't got children who are worriers (like the OP's DSD) or who suffer from anxiety.

Delaying telling the truth could make a massive difference for the DSD in particular.

Actually both my dc (one aged 16 currently doing GCSEs now) and one aged 6 suffer terrible anxiety - my younger child actually has autism too. It is because of this I don’t think it’s appropriate to lie in this situation. It is better to be honest, answer any questions and show the dc that whatever happens is part of life and you will get through it together. We have just been through a really traumatic time as a family - my mum, who was very close to my dd, passed away from bowel cancer 6 weeks ago and I myself have very debilitating chronic and rare health conditions which flared up due to the stress. I decided to be open with my dd, and involved her as much as she wanted to be. She is fine, she has actually thrown herself into her revision for her exams and really wants to do well. It’s given her something to focus on. I appreciate it may not be the same for every child and every situation but I know if I had kept things from her she would have felt excluded and hurt.

My husband has a serious and incurable illness. We didn’t mention a word to the children until we knew exactly what we were dealing with and had a plan. I stand by that decision and wouldn’t say a word until I had that information. Our eldest was 15 at the time, he did not make any assumptions or have a clue until we told him. He has handled the situation magnificently and I am 100% confident that we made the right decision. I would do exactly the same next time