Need to cancel our holiday, what to tell the children?

[Whyknot]

Dh has just been diagnosed with a serious condition, still undergoing tests so we'll know more in about 6 weeks.

We are due to go abroad in the Whit holidays, docs advice is not to and the holiday insurance have said he won't be able to get any cover until all testing is completed. So holiday is cancelled

We need to tell dc we're not going on holiday but how without making them worry, would rather wait to tell them more once all testing is done?

We have dsd 16 who is in the middle of her GCSEs, dsd 13 and our ds 8.

They're going to be so upset, ds has been counting the days and hasn't been abroad for 2 years, so is so excited.

Realistically to soften the blow we can probably do a UK hol in Aug, but nothing in Whit, as appts are likely to be that week.

What reason shall we give them?

I can't over rule the dad, mum and dsd whatever I may think.

I guess every child/family is different.

Ah I see - I thought you meant your 8yr old and the two girls!

Oh no! My parents lied to try and protect me and I knew they were lying. What I imagined was worth than the truth.

Please do not lie to you’re your children. Your instinct to protect them is completely understandable, but doesn’t work out in the end. They will find out that you lied, and will never fully trust you again. I work in palliative care, and children become very resentful and insecure when lied to by those they depend upon. Good luck with everything.

You can't cancel the night before, they'll be gutted! And worried about these tests that are so urgent. This is a 16 year old and 13 year old who you have to cancel but not worry, the 8 year old will be far easier to put off without raising suspicion. You could say something along the lines of dad having tests booked which have just come up on these dates and if cancelled a long wait to rebook which would be true in some cases for mild ailments and that it'd affect the medical insurance if he went and needed treatment for a broken leg etc. Or that the dates had been ballsed up by a day or two and would cost the earth to rectify so all you can do is reschedule so you don't lose the holiday. But this is a 16 year old, not a 4 year old so just blatantly lying might be seen through straight away which would cause more worry.

Its always best to tell the truth, but at the moment you don't know what that is until you've had the tests.
That is why when I had tests during pregnancy I didn't go into details to my kids what they were for and how serious it could potentially be so that we could all worry together about the outcome.
I told them I was having tests that lots of pregnant people had and when I had the results I told them what they were.
My kids didn't need to know every single thing I was worried about. I didn't lie to them. But I didn't give them unnecessary worries either.
Your DSD is embarking on GCSEs. Six weeks will fly by and then you can have a real discussion, based on real facts and not fears or assumptions.

Please don't lie to the children. Children aren't stupid and you'll never get that trust back.

Rubbish of course they will trust you. My parents lied to me about a lot of things (or kept things from me) even as an adult a few times, because they didn't want to worry us. I don't trust them any less!

I would usually advocate honesty, but with your DSD dong exams tbh I would try and fudge it until you have a better idea of what's ahead. They need an explanation for why the holiday is off (I would say postponed or needs to be rescheduled for some reason) but why worry them unless you have to.

I say that watching my three deal with my breast cancer diagnosis and treatment, 16yo DD is definitely the most affected - I am very grateful it is not an exam year for her here (Aus) - but my eldest who is married and doesn't live with us made a comment relevant to your situation. He says he finds it hard because he doesn't see me daily like the others to make sure I'm ok which I assume would be the same for your stepdaughters?

Hope everything works out ok xx

I would think that age-appropriate honesty, whilst minimising the worry for DSD is the best way forward. Gloss over the more difficult facts if you need to. Outright lying is good for no-one and likely to come back and bite you in the arse.

Hopefully you have a good relationship with the DS's mum and she will be supportive.

I hope it all works as best as it can.

When I was 13 my parents got some bad news which would have a big impact on the whole family. They decided not to tell us for several weeks as they didn’t want us to worry.

Their plan completely backfired. I realised something was very wrong and also picked up that it was unmentionable. So for the next few weeks I pieced together what I could, without ever being able to share my worries with them.

It was a really horrible period in my life.

For that reason we’ve always tried to be open with our children when there’s something that’s bothering us.

Please don't lie to the children. Children aren't stupid and you'll never get that trust back.
Rubbish. There’s a time and a place for honestly and the middle of GCSE’s isn’t one of them. They need to get her through the next 5 weeks with as little upheaval as possible and then tell her. If they weren’t going away there would be no reason to tell her anything at all until they knew exactly what was happening and they had a plan of action.

i would also be aware(of course you will be) if this s somethign serious surely it has been making him poorly.so if you dsd is a worrier how much does she already know?so would she be sat wondering adn might it make it worse or better for her to know you are doing something about it.so if you dont tell them might she be coming to conclusion in her mind anyway.just be aware of what sh already knows andmight already be going through hell with worry.
i know my mum thought we didnt know.we all did.

ScarletAnemone
yep same here.
going around searching for letters.or listening at doors an not being able to talk to anyone was hell.

Would it be really risky to just go?

I wouldn't tell the truth either - not with exams. Can you treat them all to something that week - maybe a piece of tech they can all use together or something else they really want as a useful distraction?

I’m surprised people are saying don’t tell the truth because of the exams. If I was that teenager about to sit my exams and I later found out my mum and dad had known something like that and lied to me about it I would find it very hard to forgive them.

The point is it’s not really lying is it? The not telling part. It’s only come to the forefront because of the holiday. OP and her DH wouldn’t be telling the kids about the tests and possible diagnosis until they know for sure what’s going on, Similar to how people keep pregnancy hidden until 12 weeks so they have a clearer idea of whether it will be successful, they wouldn’t be accused of being liars would they?

Fairylea -it is a difficult situation -tests can give positive negative or dire results - the dc don't need to know details & worry with the parents - especially when they have exams which maybe important to their future & the results are uncertain. Waiting for test results under these circumstances is incredibly stressful & often the wait is far longer than seems right (ie weeks) before you get appointment, Sometimes you than land up with another set of tests to define the situation - ie for treatment type ect. & the worry continues. OP here hoping things will be positive

Could you and the kids go without DH?

I'd tell them the truth. DH got his terminal diagnosis while DS was doing A levels, and was having chemo at the time of the exams. It was difficult for everyone, but it gave DS time to come to terms with the situation before DH passed away. Obviously ours is an extreme example, but the school couldn't be faulted with their support - he got special consideration in his exams and cut a lot of slack over attendance because he was sometimes too stressed to go in, sometimes was at the hospital with DH. I would definitely recommend that if you do tell them what's going on, you also speak to their pastoral lead at school.

Why on MN is everyone afraid of the truth? Actively encouraging people to lie and make up stories, 13 & 16 are old enough to understand. If your DH is physically well enough I would go the holiday, you can notify hospital of dates and they will schedule appointments around this( I done it for DD expected surgery) Lying to your DC will more then likely backfire, kids aren't stupid and inevitably find things out.

EvilDog You see I would tell a 13 and 16 year old that DP was having some tests, but it is nothing to worry about. Kids will pick up on the worry of the parents and know something is wrong.

I wouldn't tell the children at this stage.

Until further tests you don't know the scale of what you're dealing with so I wouldn't cause them to worry now especially with GCSEs around the corner.

You say your DSD is a worrier anyway so to give her news like "your Dad is ill and needs tests so urgently that we have to cancel the holiday" (which I know you won't word that bluntly but no matter how you word it, this is what she will hear) is going to worry and distract her and be an added stress on top of the usual exam anxiety. (I have a daughter who is a worrier and have been through GCSEs and A levels with her)

I would say that due to something that's cropped up at work the holiday will be later this year and add that actually it would be better after the exams anyway so your DSD can properly relax

Can you not just say that you need to postpone to the summer holidays and not really give a reason, you can tell them the proper reason after the exams have finished. Kids won't necessarily be suspicious if you don't make a big thing.