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Original poster

Psychologically unwell DD and Sats, please help.

150 replies

MayorMumbum · 29/04/2019 14:38

I've posted here quite a lot recently but I'm back needing yet more advice.

For a few reasons we have had to do a last minute house move. The plan that we originally had was to have DH commute with 11yo DD to school by bus until after her Sats, when we would then pull her out to homeschool her for the rest of the year until she starts secondary.

DD has suffered pretty horrendous bullying over the last year and is being assessed for trichotillomania/self harming behaviour and deteriorating mental health but really, really wants to see her Sats through and she is expected to get very high marks.

However, after having done a practice run we have figured out she will need to be up at 6AM every morning in order to get to school for the 2 weeks running up to Sats and wouldn't be home until after 7. I just feel that it would be too much for her in her current psychological state and she would have very little time to revise.

Ideally I would like to keep her at home to revise/rest then send her in for Sats week then pull her out. I'm not sure if the head would be at all OK with this but I'm not sure what else to do. So any advice/guidance would really help as she's due back tomorrow.

OP posts:
Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 29/04/2019 18:05

Why?
She's been miserable
The commute is a nightmare
13 hour days knackering
Her anxiety is alleviated by not being at school
It appears that school was the trigger if not the cause for her MH problems
She's still unwell

What is there to be torn about?

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 29/04/2019 18:11

Not much when you put it like that. It's just a big step.

OP posts:
fatbottomgirl67 · 29/04/2019 18:17

Most senior schools do Cat tests for incoming students. Sats are really not that important. If she ends up in the wrong sets they will soon move her. Dont the school srnd a report to the new school with all her educational info? Keep her at home and give her a chance to get better. Lots of outings. Try and join some home schooling groups so she can socialise with other kids. Enjoy the time together and give her chance to heal

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babyno5 · 29/04/2019 18:20

SATs are for the benefit of league table placement of schools.
Keep her home OP for her own mental health xx

truthisarevolutionaryact · 29/04/2019 18:29

OP, SATs are for the school's benefit. They measure the school's performance and - predictably - schools pass on this pressure to children. Even bloody Ofsted have (belatedly) acknowledged that this relentless focus on performance data is not good for children - after years of this misery.
You need to explain to your daughter that the reason her teachers have made such a fuss is because they are being judged - not her or any other child. I've had a number of children arrive in Year 7 without SATs results for all sorts of reasons over the years and secondary schools aways work out where to place a child - especially if they have full reports from the primary school.
None of this testing actually benefits your child's development and tbh, her emotional well being, mental health and resilience are far more important and will have far more impact on her future than her KS2 SATs.
SATs are performance measures for a school and are of very limited importance for a stressed and emotionally vulnerable child.

Beanybye · 29/04/2019 19:37

FloatingthroughSpace i can’t imagine any 16 years olds will look back to a test they did 5 years previously to gain confidence in their gcse’s.

AnemoneAnenome · 29/04/2019 19:39

What is a big step? Sending her back or not sending her back?

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 29/04/2019 19:42

DH and I have discussed things with her and she won't be going back tomorrow. She's now eating some lemon cake after 20 minutes of hysterical crying brought on by the sheer relief of never having to go back. I really, really hope I'm doing the right thing.

OP posts:
FiremanKing · 29/04/2019 19:51

I think you’ve done the right thing.

AnemoneAnenome · 29/04/2019 20:02

Ah bless her. It sounds like it is already the right thing.

WombatStewForTea · 29/04/2019 20:07

As a Y6 teacher you're 100% making the right choice. Her school sounds horrendous!
When it comes to SATs they really aren't important besides results won't come out til July by when she'll be long gone and have no way of finding out her results.
If she's genuinely that interested in knowing her scores, then 2 weeks after SATs the papers are released to the public. I'm sure you could get her to sit them at home and you/a teacher could mark them for you. I'd happily take half an hour out of my life to mark them for you

TotheletterofthelawTHELETTER · 29/04/2019 20:07

I think you’ve done the right thing. My advice was going to be to pull her out now.
This sounds like the best decision for her.

christinarossetti19 · 29/04/2019 20:29

That sounds like absolutely the right move.

You can phone in saying that she is ill (which she is) while you decide whether to deregister etc.

Hope that this weight off her mind helps her.

FloatingthroughSpace · 29/04/2019 20:32

beanybye both mine that age were reassured prior to mock GCSEs by the recollection of having gone through and managed externally set national papers in year 6 actually. They are both highly anxious, one has an autism diagnosis, and I am glad they had that successful experience to look back on. Once they had done mock GCSEs that experience was superceded of course.

When you have kids with severe anxiety at 16 it is indeed useful in my experience to be able to say "well of course you are nervous, you were nervous about sats in year 6 too - do you remember how worried you were before? And how it turned out to be not so bad, and even the hard papers, you survived and it all turned out ok? "
May not be useful for everyone. Was profoundly useful for mine.

Propertywoes · 29/04/2019 20:33

Of course you're doing the right thing. If she's getting that over wrought about it then there's no way she can go back in. As her parent you had to make that decision for her.

Propertywoes · 29/04/2019 20:35

And the pressure some schools put on children is awful. My dsc thought they wouldn't be allowed to go to secondary school if they didn't perform well enough in their says.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 29/04/2019 21:30

Teachers are piling on the pressure at your DD's school, because they're getting the pressure. SATs are awful, not only as lots of schools teach to the SATs so they get the 'best' results, Y5 & Y6 teachers are under immense pressure to ensure kids meet the targets. Schools are under pressure because OFSTED look at those figures and scrutinise them. The poor kids are then hounded into revision sessions to 'fix' much bigger UK wide educational issues.

Honestly, your DD will forget all about SATs by the time the summer comes around. Maybe look at expanding her horizons in other subjects between now and Sept. Historical sites, art galleries or try your hand at different art styles (always worth a giggle), learn or improve a language. My DD likes jam.com they have some fun courses for kids online; arts stuff, Lego building etc. Might be worth a look.

Wishing you a wonderful summer term and summer holidays.

truthisarevolutionaryact · 29/04/2019 23:10

Well done OP. You have taken the pressure of your child when she is ill. Now you can spend some time building her resilience. You removed her from these because a) they are unimportant for her future and b) she was in a school where the bullying had 'destabilised' her. Now she is moving on and a change of school will enable her to leave this behind.

It might be helpful to think about (with her counsellor) giving her some strategies for dealing with difficulties in the future. As both a parent of a bullied child and a teacher with many years experience of working with bullied children, the trick is to help them understand that they can learn skills to deal with tricky situations . That something not very nice can happen but it doesn't have to be repeated and it doesn't have to define them. Many bullied children reinvent themselves in a new situation. And a smaller number find this hard, so it's subtly looking for every opportunity to build her confidence and resilience so that she feels she can build new friendships in a new school with confidence - if you see what I mean?

meowcatmeow · 29/04/2019 23:16

@MayorMumbum the day we removed DD from school was one I won't forget. She cried with relief and her shoulders dropped. Within a few days, her appetite returned, she looked healthier and she smiled.
A hard decision to make, but one that will give you back a stress-free child.
Make the most of the next few months and enjoy the deschooling and freedom from pressure.
Best thing we ever did for DD was de-registering her.

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 30/04/2019 11:38

We have deregistered her today and I rattled off an end to the council requesting she be kept on the waiting list for the chosen high school.
They have asked I send them "anything about her homeschooling" . I assume this means evidence of work etc? She's only just been taken out of school!

I had hoped the next few months could be informal/laid back but it doesn't look as though the council will allow that.

I'm a bit out of my depth here I think.

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 30/04/2019 11:43

OP how is your DD today?

I'm pleased you've decided to give her some time off. A friend of our family had some incredible struggles with one of their DC in similar circumstances but didn't want to deregister her DS totally, so she went to the GP, explained the situation and the GP agreed he was mentally too unwell at that point to be in school. The backing of the GP bolstered her and strengthened her resolve when the school began to get cross about attendance etc.

The simple truth is that you can't send an unwell child to school. And if the illness is of a nature that you can't see, it's no less valid or important to recover from than a broken leg or a concussion. Take your time to work out the right steps for you all, and don't allow yourself to feel guilty over not pleasing the school; your DD needs you to be her advocate now. Flowers

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 30/04/2019 11:50

She's a very, very happy girl today Grin.

I, however, am a complete nervous wreck!

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 30/04/2019 11:52

Is the council very clear you are not homeschooling for secondary, and do you have a place somewhere? Don't let them off the hook finding you a place for Sept.

If that is clear then I'd ignore the council for now. Aim to give her a few weeks off. Then if they badger you again re what you are covering write something down based on how you are filling days.
e.g. History - museum visits, Science - nature walks, Reading, Practical maths via cookery.

Every time you contact them reiterate you need a place for September.

MrsBobDylan · 30/04/2019 12:06

Op, just wanted to say that we are in a similar situation with my ds. He ended up missing half a term of school because he had a physical breakdown that resulted in being very ill. Once we realised the illness was masking (and caused by) anxiety we completely changed the way we did things.

We also had to unexpectedly move house because I lost my job and we couldn't afford it anymore.

My ds totally lost his confidence and I have been building it up by 'practising' school work with him for 20-30 mins per day. It turns out that that helps him feel in control. I couldn't give a rats ass now about SATS and I have got him a place at an undersubscribed school near our new house because they are so strong on pastoral care and behaviour.

You have done the right thing. Sounds like your dd is a naturally high achiever and doesn't need school at the moment.

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 30/04/2019 12:11

I replied making it clear home schooling is a temporary arrangement and not to take us off waiting list for secondary. They've confirmed she is still on the waiting list. I've also decided to make a last minute appeal for the secondary school. I don't think we have a strong case but we have nothing to lose.

I'm hoping they leave us alone for a bit but I can see the council making life very difficult for me.

OP posts: