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Original poster

Psychologically unwell DD and Sats, please help.

150 replies

MayorMumbum · 29/04/2019 14:38

I've posted here quite a lot recently but I'm back needing yet more advice.

For a few reasons we have had to do a last minute house move. The plan that we originally had was to have DH commute with 11yo DD to school by bus until after her Sats, when we would then pull her out to homeschool her for the rest of the year until she starts secondary.

DD has suffered pretty horrendous bullying over the last year and is being assessed for trichotillomania/self harming behaviour and deteriorating mental health but really, really wants to see her Sats through and she is expected to get very high marks.

However, after having done a practice run we have figured out she will need to be up at 6AM every morning in order to get to school for the 2 weeks running up to Sats and wouldn't be home until after 7. I just feel that it would be too much for her in her current psychological state and she would have very little time to revise.

Ideally I would like to keep her at home to revise/rest then send her in for Sats week then pull her out. I'm not sure if the head would be at all OK with this but I'm not sure what else to do. So any advice/guidance would really help as she's due back tomorrow.

OP posts:
Aragog · 29/04/2019 16:36

Based on your 15:04 post I'd pull her out seeing as you are able, and planning to after them anyway. That amount of pressure is awful; it is horrendous these little children are being subjected to that. It's not necessary. I'd tell them why too.

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 29/04/2019 16:40

And no I don't think it's worth it and want to be able to tell her she never has to go back but I'm scared she'll regret not doing them. I'm scared of the judgement from her school and I'm scared of the council. They've been pretty awful to me so far and I'm worried they're going to make things more difficult for me and that even if I ask them not to in writing, they'll remove her from the waiting list she's on for the high school she really wants to go to.
I'm finding this whole thing really overwhelming and just don't know what to do for the best. I just want her to heal and be happy again, above all else.

OP posts:
AnemoneAnenome · 29/04/2019 16:47

So how about going to the GP again? Do they sign sick children off school? It shouldn't come anywhere near a fine if it is a medical issue.

It's hard but I would recommend you consciously put aside caring what they think of you. You don't need them to like you or respect you or agree with you, all that matters is you do your best for your daughter, and that rarely means winning mythical popularity contests. Next year their focus will move to a whole new batch of Y6s, plus a load of new joiners. I would suggest a face to face meeting.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

11 year olds Families General education
Original poster
MayorMumbum · 29/04/2019 16:51

I've had two meetings already and we agreed on the original plan. At the time it felt doable but we were in the midst of moving chaos and I was trying to do what was best.
Since we moved though, DD is so much happier, the hair pulling is less and today she said she wants to do her Sats but can't bare the idea of going back Sad.
She literally has no friends left due to the social exclusion bullying she was subjected to. She sits alone every lunch or paces the playground. Can't really stand the idea of sending her back to that now I've sat down and really thought about it Sad.

OP posts:
MrsBungle · 29/04/2019 16:54

Why on earth is she revising at home for Sats? Just home ed her now.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 29/04/2019 16:58

Oh no this sounds like a horrible situation. Your DD has a lot making her anxious, and you sound terribly anxious too.

First of all, the LEA cannot remove you from waiting lists through spite. And corporately they wouldn't have the means to think poorly of you - its just a bunch of admin staff in an office. Dismiss that thought.

Are you appealing to preferred school? On the basis of her having been bullied -and subsequent poor mental health? You should. Might your house move affect your eligibility for this and other schools (it sounds like it is a long way away) - check this out too, plus schools in other boroughs if they are close. It's worth having your name down for as many schools as you think would fit for her as well.

I think the school's pressure on her with that revision regime will be part of her MH problems. Please do what is best for her, rather than what she wants. Ditch the SATS. Ditch the idea of the ludicrous commute.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 29/04/2019 17:02

Please assure your daughter that no matter what the school have told her, her future does not rest on her SATs result. In fact all it tests is the school. Given that it has manifestly failed her so far, why does she want to give them the satisfaction of her good result to add to their statistics?

My DC have been at 3 secondaries and none used SATs for determining sets or "pathways". All did CATs and own testing. Tell DD she needs to invest in her future by spending the summer getting well and getting a proper education doing lovely enriching, confidence building activity with you instead.

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 29/04/2019 17:05

I guess I'm just really afraid of taking the plunge. It's been a really horrible and upsetting two years for her and I just don't want to put her through it anymore

OP posts:
steppemum · 29/04/2019 17:07

I am school governor and teacher.

SATS are for the school, not your dd. If she deregisters before SATS, they won't even have to include her scores in their statistics.

Some secondary schools use them as a short cut to work out who goes in which set. But they quickly move kids who don;t fit.
technically, they can use SATS to predict GCSE results, but that again, is for their own satistics, they will predict for her based on what she does in class.

SATS are really, really NOT important for the individual child. Most children in private schools don;t bother, they are still fine if they go to state secondary.
I know some secondaries who refuse to look at SATS as they think primary teachers fix them!
Many secondaries do their own CAT tests in september.

My advice is to do one of two things
either:
take her to school on the last friday before SATS and then on the day of each test.
or
deregister her now, and 'home school' for the rest of the year, but in reality in this context, I would be going out and about and having a shit load of fun. Visit lots of fun educational places, like Warwick Castle and Science Museum, and have picnics, and generally build back up her confidence and self esteem.

BillywilliamV · 29/04/2019 17:08

Sats mean nothing, they spend the first half-term at secondary streaming them anyway.

steppemum · 29/04/2019 17:12

just seen your post about secondary

you ar elegally entitled to pull your child out of school and chose to home school at any time
You do not have to prove to anyone, council/educationofficer etc anythign except that you have officially told the council you are home schooling.
You do not have to prove what lessons you are doing, or show them any plans. Get over to the Home ed board and ask them for legal status.

The council cannot legally remove you from a waiting list that you are entitled to be on. Plenty of home school kids apply to secondary school, the admission policy is a legal document that they have to conform to. If you are legally on the waiting list they cannot take you off.

You will actually find it is all easier once you make the home ed official.

FloatingthroughSpace · 29/04/2019 17:15
  1. No need at all to revise for SATs
  2. Commute by taxi at least in the mornings?
  3. I would do SATs if I could, because they are the first try at national "exams" and having managed to complete them is a significant mental milestone for anxious kids as prep for GCSEs. However I would be giving very low key messages about how important they are.

Work in SEN education btw.

1Wildheartsease · 29/04/2019 17:15

SATS don't matter for your daughter. (The school will find the results useful for their figures but her health far out-weighs this!)

If she doesn't sit them, her teachers will still be able to give a score for her in her end of year report.

Her new secondary will use teacher report and sats but will still make their own assessments when she arrives. This is normal.

Aragog · 29/04/2019 17:18

scared she'll regret not doing them - just reassure her, and tbh in a few moths she will have forgotten they even existed

I'm scared of the judgement from her school - you'll be leaving and not have to see them again

I'm scared of the council - they can't do anything; just deregister her from primary but keep her name on the waiting list for secondary; they can't interfere with the waiting lists so it won't have an impact on that

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 29/04/2019 17:22

@floating SATs as prep for GCSEs - really? GCSEs are 5 years away. That sounds like stuff we tell ourselves to make the whole brutal unnecessary nonsense have some value.

FamilyOfAliens · 29/04/2019 17:24

SATS don't matter for your daughter.

But the OP posted that her DD really wasn’t to do them because of all the hard work she’s already put in. So they do matter to the DD.

OP, why are you so convinced that your DD doesn’t know her own mind about this? She’s told you she wants to sit her SATs, yet you sound like you’re going to remove her from school without even discussing it with her.

FamilyOfAliens · 29/04/2019 17:25

*wants to do them

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 29/04/2019 17:30

I've discussed it with her at length. She's quite mentally unwell at the moment so her judgement is impaired and also has been significantly influenced by the school putting huge amounts of pressure on her about their importance.
I suffer from severe general anxiety disorder also so I'm very much aware of what she is going through and trying to do the best thing for her health. That's why I've posted, for advice on what to do.

OP posts:
Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 29/04/2019 17:34

In that case OP I would definitely not let her go back into the toxic environment that has made her ill and not fulfilled their duty of care to her. I would firmly draw the line under the whole episode and look to the future.

I say this as parent to a child who refused school for the greater part of Y6, and the first half of Y7. Also based on that experience, hold out for a decent secondary and put all your efforts into that and into enjoying the summer.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 29/04/2019 17:35

Is she getting any counselling or MH support?

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 29/04/2019 17:38

We are waiting for Cahms/school nurse referrals to be sorted but DH decided we'll pay for private therapy while we wait. Although really, the majority of her anxiety is gone while she's not at school.

OP posts:
viques · 29/04/2019 17:45

If you do pull her out of school then make sure you contact the Y7 team at her new secondary to advise them that she stil wants to take part in any of the settling in days they are arranging for the summer term and making sure they know to contact you directly not through her old school. She needs to know a few friendly faces on the firtpst day in September. I am assuming she is the only one moving to the new school from her old primary

FudgeBrownie2019 · 29/04/2019 17:45

The difficulty in all of this OP is that your DD isn't well enough to make the choices that are going to be in her best interests, so as her Mum you're going to have to do that.

It might seem to her that her SATs are important, and as a Teacher I have to toe the party line and go through them each year, but as a parent I genuinely wouldn't hesitate to deregister her tomorrow and let her recover from the enormous trauma she's been through over the last couple of years.

I cannot stress enough how vital mental wellbeing in pupils is, and how important it is to prioritise her mental health above everything else. Education can be re-taught and re-learned if needs be. Her emotional wellbeing can't wait, can't come second and can't be underestimated.

viques · 29/04/2019 17:49

Ah, just seen that she doesn't have a place you are happy with for September. Sorry, ignore previous post.

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 29/04/2019 17:56

I feel very torn

OP posts: