Ex MIL funeral

[WienerDiva]

I don't want this to be a long one nor a drip feed but I fear the long one might happen. So here goes.

Ex MIL's funeral tomorrow. My dd(8) was the closest grandchild due to geographical reasons. They had a sweet relationship. Ex mil wasn't the nurturing type or overbearing or interfering and didn't ever show too much interest in dd but they saw each other regularly and enjoyed each other's company.

Me and ex husband split 2.5 years ago. We are both in new relationships. His dp was a very good friend of mine and she refuses to have anything to do with me (I don't know if this is relevant but I feel this may be).

Anyway, me and dd are mega close. She is close to her df too but says he doesn't listen to her and feels she can't tell him how she feels because he gets a bit grumpy if it doesn't go his way.

Now, he wants dd to travel in the limos to the church, then church to crematorium.

I don't have an issue with this in theory. But she doesn't want to.

She wants to sit with me and my parents (there was never animosity between me and ex in laws). Ex husband was her to sit with him.

I have suggested I sit behind him at the end of a pew so if she needs me she can come to me.

This isn't good enough for him. He said she is to sit with him and I will be a few rows back, dd isn't happy with this at all. Ex is being a bit of a mule. Not really listening to what dd had told me and just keeps saying "well she didn't say any of this whilst I've had her" I don't know what to do.

My parents have suggested making her go in the family car with him and sit with him but this doesn't fit right with me.

She's also said she doesn't want to go to the crematorium without me. But it's immediate family only.

I have seen ex fil since mil passed and he was very keen for me to be involved with the family but I'm aware dynamics and emotions change etc.

There has been a lot of financial stuff come to light in the last 3-4 months and my parents have lent £10k to ex husband to cover these debts (again not sure if it's relevant)

I'm so sorry for the length that and any comments will be taken on board! Thank you

I’m sorry for your family

I think your XH is being harsh; she probably hasn’t said anything to him as she feels initimidated (actually - you said this, sorry). My MIL recently died; my children are 7 and 9 and they actually sat mostly with my DPs as DH and I were involved in the service. A Cruse leaflet I had (can’t find it online anymore, annoyingly) says “It may be helpful for children to have an adult at the funeral who is known to them and trusted by them but not quite as affected by the death.”

I think fair enough for her to sit in the limo but she shouldn’t be stopped from sitting with who she likes in the service. Your XH should respect the way her grief manifests instead of forcing her to be part of his own. In any case there’s no saying that come the day, she’ll feel differently and want to sit with him.

This is what I could find on Cruse website anyway

I disagree with the above. I think you should explain to your daughter that her dad needs his support and she should sit with him for the service. Teaching her self-sacrifice and that sometimes we need to do things for other people is a very good lesson. Your daughter is 8, she's not a baby. She can handle not sitting by your side for a funeral service.

He’s grieving and may be acting illogically at the moment. But for your your primary care is your DD and that she copes and understands such a major event, don’t be bullied. He may need her next to him but that won’t help her if she doesn’t want to be there

Do not do what aquamarine has suggested. Please show your Dd you will listen to her and that she mustn’t be bullied into doing something she doesn’t want to do. The DD needs her own support. Her dad will not be focused on her on the day.

I think the man is allowed to be a bit grumpy and unreasonable when you take into consideration that his mother has just died.

'Daddy needs you to sit in the car and with him at the front because he's sad, we'll be a little way behind you and we'll be waiting for you afterwards' isn't too much to ask of an eight year old.

She may need comfort of a mum, at funerals things are read out about the deceased, stories which even at 8 may effect her. Chances are dad will be too upset

@MitziK of course he’ll he grumpy and upset, but he won’t be in the right mind set to comfort a small child, and it wouldn’t be fair to ask him to either

@Faithless12

Who said anything about bullying her? Give me a break. It's teaching her that we all have to do things we aren't comfortable with sometimes, such as going to funerals, for people we love. It's about teaching her that her feelings aren't the only one's that matter.

Had your DD ever been to a funeral before? If not, she has no idea what to expect and forcing her to not be able to sit with the parent that she will feel most comfortable with is really unfair.
If both parents weren't there, it would be completely different - she would sit with her Dad, but if her Mum is there, what's the problem.

Don’t make her feel responsible for his feelings- she isn’t. Yes you can explain he will be upset and sad his mum is dead but she also has the right to be upset and sad her grandma is dead. You can explain to her that he would like it if you would sit with him in the car and would she maybe compromise to go in the car but sit with you and your parents? Surely if she can compromise he can too?
Crematoriums can be upsetting so I would not make her go without you if she isn’t happy to. Tell your ex that you will play by ear how that goes as she may be too upset and it might be best for her to miss that. Perhaps she could do something else to commemorate her grandma at a later date like when they collect the ashes.
Sorry your parents seem to be more supportive of him than you in general 🙄 and I do know what it’s like when your child can’t be as honest with their dad as you and you get the blame or treated like you’re making stuff up.
Definitely support your dd though and if it comes to it she doesn’t have to attend- many children don’t.

It's teaching her that we all have to do things we aren't comfortable with sometimes, such as going to funerals, for people we love

And right there is a really risky statement which highlights just how simple sexual abuse from a family member can happen and seem to the child as “supported by” parents.
OP I know you’re not stupid enough to think teaching your child this would be helpful ever. No one I love would ever want me to do something I’m not comfortable with and I would never ever expect my child to do that either. That’s not love.

@Isadora2007 I know you mean well but bringing up sexual abuse on a family grief thread as some weird link isn’t appropriate

@Isadora2007 is bang on

Wow! Imagine at the age of eight, learning that a man’s feeling is more important that a very young child! I know he’s grieving, but what a selfish prick. Your daughter sounds like she might be frightened by the thought of the funeral and that’s understandable, especially if she can’t be with her mum. I’m sorry OP, but you have to put her first and he has to get over himself. It sounds like he wants to put on this family image, including his little daughter, in front of the other mourners.

That = than

It's not a weird link. It's a very important point and something that a lot of people won't consider. The power of seemingly innocuous statements like that can be enormous, and Isadora's example is a good one.

Thank you @Isadora2007 I think it also sets the DD up for the world where a mans feelings are more important than her own. She is entitled to her feelings, do not force her to have to do exactly what her father wants.

Children come first. Before grown adults.

If he is not in a place where he can 100% emotionally support his child, then he needs to focus on himself and allow the OP to support their child.
I am very supportive of including children in funerals and similar ceremonies, but only if the person caring for the child is able to prioritise the child's needs. It can be an overwhelming and intimidating experience for anyone, let alone an 8 yo.
An 8yo should absolutely NOT be expected to act as an emotional crutch for a grieving parent, that is grossly unfair.

This saddens me, this is a poor child, yes I agree with saddened and weak father, but with a strong mother asking for help and advice and doing everything best for her child. There is no need to turn this into a sexual abuse thread, the example is a poor one. This is about op and her child and not your own agenda. Try instead to support OP in helping her daughter cope with the loss of a grandparent and a depressed and less than understanding father

'Daddy needs you to sit in the car and with him at the front because he's sad, we'll be a little way behind you and we'll be waiting for you afterwards' isn't too much to ask of an eight year old.

That is the right response ^

She will be upset about many things over her life, but her dad only gets to loose his mum once. Today is not her day, she is not going to be traumatised for travelling with his dad, but if you insist on calling the shots on this during this funeral, you may cause long lasting damage to the civil relationship you have with your ex, a civil relationship you need in order to co parent your DD efficiently as parents who are now apart.

@TanMateix she needs support more than him, she is young, he is an adult. For this he’ll be too upset and unable to help her. She should be with her mum who will be less emotional

Alicewond it was a perfectly legitimate point in response to a PP's advice. To be honest it's you that keeps going on about it.

@Ratatatouille wait, you responded about it twice, I responded twice. Is this me keeping going on about it???

If it were my child and my ex wanted them to sit with him I would tell my child that they had to support their father and his family was hers as well.

My son was an adult when my ex-in-laws passed away.