Ex MIL funeral

[WienerDiva]

I don't want this to be a long one nor a drip feed but I fear the long one might happen. So here goes.

Ex MIL's funeral tomorrow. My dd(8) was the closest grandchild due to geographical reasons. They had a sweet relationship. Ex mil wasn't the nurturing type or overbearing or interfering and didn't ever show too much interest in dd but they saw each other regularly and enjoyed each other's company.

Me and ex husband split 2.5 years ago. We are both in new relationships. His dp was a very good friend of mine and she refuses to have anything to do with me (I don't know if this is relevant but I feel this may be).

Anyway, me and dd are mega close. She is close to her df too but says he doesn't listen to her and feels she can't tell him how she feels because he gets a bit grumpy if it doesn't go his way.

Now, he wants dd to travel in the limos to the church, then church to crematorium.

I don't have an issue with this in theory. But she doesn't want to.

She wants to sit with me and my parents (there was never animosity between me and ex in laws). Ex husband was her to sit with him.

I have suggested I sit behind him at the end of a pew so if she needs me she can come to me.

This isn't good enough for him. He said she is to sit with him and I will be a few rows back, dd isn't happy with this at all. Ex is being a bit of a mule. Not really listening to what dd had told me and just keeps saying "well she didn't say any of this whilst I've had her" I don't know what to do.

My parents have suggested making her go in the family car with him and sit with him but this doesn't fit right with me.

She's also said she doesn't want to go to the crematorium without me. But it's immediate family only.

I have seen ex fil since mil passed and he was very keen for me to be involved with the family but I'm aware dynamics and emotions change etc.

There has been a lot of financial stuff come to light in the last 3-4 months and my parents have lent £10k to ex husband to cover these debts (again not sure if it's relevant)

I'm so sorry for the length that and any comments will be taken on board! Thank you

@LJS79 I'll do just that. Thank you for your advice.

My parents have written very frank and honest references too, as have my ex and my ex fil (prior to ex mil passing)

@WienerDiva let us know how you get on

I think an awful lot of emotional pressure and expectations have been put on your DD by her father which is spectacularly unfair. .
I lost my Mum a couple of years ago, I was an absolute wreck, but I still put my children's feelings before my own. DS1 was worried about the funeral, so it was left up to him if he wanted to go, and if he did there were uncles on standby to take him out if it got too much. As it happens this is what happened, and he was ok because he knew he had the choice and that he'd be heard if he said it all got too much. BILs took him out and to my parent's house next door and he was ok.

Fingers crossed for you on Thursday op. Onwards and upwards - get it all behind you.

Why are they going to a church AND crematorium?

When my Dad died, the Chapel was in the Crematorium and that's where his service was. We then left and went to his wake. If they have a service at a church, what do they do at the crematorium???

It’s very common to have a church service then a private cremation or interment.

Ex's dm spent time in the church for solace etc. They wanted the cremation to be just family. Last part of her journey etc.

I'm not going to question it.

Everyone has different preferences.

Standard practice where I live (dad was a church of Scotland minister).

Two services, one proper full length one in the church and one shorter one (more time constraints in the crem) in the crematorium.

@Isadora2007 Seriously? You will never expect your child to do anything they don’t want to do? Wow. Just wow. Good luck! You're going to need it!

Oh no I'm not suggesting it be questioned I just wondered. I'd never heard of it. I didn't realise people could actually be present during the cremation of a body. Def not for an 8 yr old!!! I couldn't cope with that

The coffin just slides away through curtains. It’s not like a funeral pyre!

MummyParanoia101 oh no they're not present for the actual cremation, sometimes the coffin is covered (it was for my Grannie's funeral) or if not it goes through the curtains and then the service is over.

It's more symbolic than anything else.

@MummyParanoia101 funny how you managed to read that from me but not my response to someone else who thought like you- so here it is especially:

Really? You expect your child never to do anything they don’t want to do? Good luck with that!
I didn’t say my child would never be expected to do something they don’t WANT to do- I said I would not have them do something they were not comfortable with. There is a huge difference, and thanks but I’ve actually managed to parent two children to adulthood whilst never forcing them to do things they were uncomfortable with. But I have raised them to speak about issues and accept consequences of choosing not to do things. But they are both people I regard as having a lot of integrity and congruence which is great.