Ex MIL funeral

[WienerDiva]

I don't want this to be a long one nor a drip feed but I fear the long one might happen. So here goes.

Ex MIL's funeral tomorrow. My dd(8) was the closest grandchild due to geographical reasons. They had a sweet relationship. Ex mil wasn't the nurturing type or overbearing or interfering and didn't ever show too much interest in dd but they saw each other regularly and enjoyed each other's company.

Me and ex husband split 2.5 years ago. We are both in new relationships. His dp was a very good friend of mine and she refuses to have anything to do with me (I don't know if this is relevant but I feel this may be).

Anyway, me and dd are mega close. She is close to her df too but says he doesn't listen to her and feels she can't tell him how she feels because he gets a bit grumpy if it doesn't go his way.

Now, he wants dd to travel in the limos to the church, then church to crematorium.

I don't have an issue with this in theory. But she doesn't want to.

She wants to sit with me and my parents (there was never animosity between me and ex in laws). Ex husband was her to sit with him.

I have suggested I sit behind him at the end of a pew so if she needs me she can come to me.

This isn't good enough for him. He said she is to sit with him and I will be a few rows back, dd isn't happy with this at all. Ex is being a bit of a mule. Not really listening to what dd had told me and just keeps saying "well she didn't say any of this whilst I've had her" I don't know what to do.

My parents have suggested making her go in the family car with him and sit with him but this doesn't fit right with me.

She's also said she doesn't want to go to the crematorium without me. But it's immediate family only.

I have seen ex fil since mil passed and he was very keen for me to be involved with the family but I'm aware dynamics and emotions change etc.

There has been a lot of financial stuff come to light in the last 3-4 months and my parents have lent £10k to ex husband to cover these debts (again not sure if it's relevant)

I'm so sorry for the length that and any comments will be taken on board! Thank you

I'm surprised your ex is so focused on who sits where.
Surely the fact that everyone who loved his mum gathers to say a final farewell is enough.

@InceyWinceyette if I was 100% sure that he would look after her I'd have no issue with this.

I don't even have an issue with his gf comforting her if dd was happy with that. But dd doesn't feel comfortable having hugs from her and they aren't very close.

She isn't overly close to her aunts and uncles either (they all live quite far away and we didn't see them much when we were together) and they all have their own children who will be there to look after.

He had the chance to discuss it and chose not to. Today you just do what your daughter wants and be there for her. Your MIL would not want the drama by the sounds of things.

So not close enough to be allowed in the Crem but close enough for your parents to “lend” him money.

I would seriously go with what your DD feels comfortable with, possibly suggest she go in the car with her DF, but then sit with you in the church.
I think a crematorium is like a church, and anyone can be in there. Hopefully if she travels with him in the car, he will be so caught up in the moment, he won't actually think about where his DD is after that.

He may be grieving but that doesn't mean he shouldn't put his daughter first.

She's only 8 and she needs to say goodbye in a way she feels comfortable doing.

He's taken 10k off your parents so he's happy to still be treated as family so why aren't you treated the same way by his?

Well after Thursday when there is another big stress concluding (involving me unfortunately) me and him will need a big sit down chat.

There are a lot of issues that are accumulating and they need to stop.

I hadn't thought about the £10k thing.

But yes my parents have looked at him as son and have treated him as such and it is piss poor that we aren't treated as such with regards to the crematorium.

My parents are the executors of his mum's will too. His dad very much has been in communication with my dad with regards to documents and legal stuff since ex mil died.

Now you've mentioned it. I am a bit offended.

But this is without a doubt to do with his gf.

She refuses to talk to me.

Tough shit that's her problem. She either feels threatened by you or is incredibly immature (or both).

But your relationship with your ILs have nothing to do with her.

I hope things get sorted for you OP. He sounds like he's all take and no give - but that's not what your daughter needs and that's your priority.

Oh she's definitely both.

She was a very good friend of mine (my best friend actually works for her lol).

I wasn't overly happy when they got together. It majorly affected my hobby (I sang at her singing school).

Anyway, since then she won't be anywhere near me. I've given her daughter Christmas gifts and an Easter egg through him. I want nothing more than my dd to see that we are all amicable and are all there for her regardless of our situations etc.

But I'm getting increasingly frustrated that she won't put her nonsense aside for the sake of dd.

Yesterday ex took dd to an adventure playground 5 mins from where I live (we live nearly an hour apart). Dd has told me that ex's gf and her dd went in a separate car. It seems more than clear to me that it was so she didn't have to interact with me.

It's so frustrating. Why can't adults put there bullshit in the background for the sake of raising emotionally healthy children!

Your dd should sit with whoever she feels comfortable with, she is grieving and also needs support. The last funeral i went to, the dc who were a similar age sat with the parent whose mum/dad had not died as the parent whose mum/dad had died were grieving and supporting the remaining parent. It is a tricky one and i do feel for you, but your dd has let you know her wishes so you must be her voice if she is unable for whatever reason to tell her father.

Stand up for your DD. I would say she needs your support and rightly so. Do not let her be forced into doing anything. It is not her obligation to sit with her DF at the funeral! It is not a DH Lawrence novel! .

TBH should she really be going? Have you asked whether she wants to go?

Protect your DD she sits by you or she doesn't go!

Hope the right solution for your dd happens, whatever that is. Xxx

I think I was a bit older than her when my grand father died. I was taken to the funeral but not the crem, which was the right decision, I think.

Clearly your ex hasn't considered how your dd might feel. But has he considered that if she is upset and with him he has to comfort her as well as manage his own grief? There can be pluses to having another relative take responsibility for kids in this kind of situation.

I think he's wrong both at a practical level and in prioritisation. She's a young child in a scary situation and when that happens we want to be with who we want to be with. I'd be prepared to argue this one long and hard with him. If he's not for turning and you're not willing to keep her home (not the right response I don't think), can a compromise be reached whereby she sits with him but at the end of a pew, with you at the end of another pew so that she can get to you if she wants?

Dd really wants to go. I'd rather she didn't but it's her decision. All bar the baby will be there grandchildren wise. Ages range from 6-10. Dd is second eldest.

She has said she wants to go the crematorium but knows I can't go in. I have explained her df will be by her side and she seems quite happy with this.

The church thing though is a massive stickler. She's point blank refusing to go next to her dad or to follow the coffin in and I absolutely stand by her and have stuck to my guns on that one.

We have just had a nice shower etc and she's relaxing with dog.

Me and her have a friendship bracelet thing so I've suggested she wears it today and if in the very short time in the crematorium she feels she needs me she can stroke her bracelet. Not sure what else to do really

@3timeslucky I have said if she sits at the end of the pew and I sit directly behind her so I'm there if needed. He said no as family will be sitting there. But I can sit a few rows behind. Dd isn't happy with this and neither am I. So she is sitting with me and my parents and that's it.

As for the crematorium, it's immediate family only. Me and my family aren't included in this (although when visiting ex fil who is lovely he did say he wants us with the family).

Can I just say whatever happens you have handled this is such a dignified and reasonable way.

I hope your ex husband realises how lucky he is - although I doubt it.

Hope all goes as well as it can this afternoon x

Good for you for sticking up for DD in such a difficult situation. How sad it is that people can't put this shit aside OP. Hope it goes ok.

That's made me chuckle but thank you so so much.

He thinks I'm making dd say these things and putting words in her mouth.

He truly believes in the devil incarnate

I'm going to be lead by dd. She's now saying she doesn't want to go in the crematorium unless I'm there. Im not going to mention it to him as she may well change her mind again. I'll play it by ear and he can ask her and he can hear it from her.

You offered entirely reasonable compromises.
FIL clearly still sees you as family and wouldn't have a problem with you sitting behind DD so I suggest you do that.
Crematorium I would play by ear maybe wait outside if it is family only but then again I am guessing that FIL will probably ask you in.

Just leaving now so I'll let you know

Thank you so much everyone

Hope everything went OK today

Phew. What a day.

My ex made a bit of a prat of himself (in my opinion) and he lied to me and dd about who was going to the crematorium.

All in all. Ridiculous

I didn't say anything and kept a polite and civil tongue.

Hope you've got a relaxing evening planned! Well done, I'm sure your daughter will be grateful when she looks back in years to come x

I'm so glad my Welsh family doesn't allow children at funerals. Your poor DD.

I hope your DD was ok and her dad didn't push her to do things she didn't want to. It sounds like you've been very attuned to her needs throughout