Ex MIL funeral

[WienerDiva]

I don't want this to be a long one nor a drip feed but I fear the long one might happen. So here goes.

Ex MIL's funeral tomorrow. My dd(8) was the closest grandchild due to geographical reasons. They had a sweet relationship. Ex mil wasn't the nurturing type or overbearing or interfering and didn't ever show too much interest in dd but they saw each other regularly and enjoyed each other's company.

Me and ex husband split 2.5 years ago. We are both in new relationships. His dp was a very good friend of mine and she refuses to have anything to do with me (I don't know if this is relevant but I feel this may be).

Anyway, me and dd are mega close. She is close to her df too but says he doesn't listen to her and feels she can't tell him how she feels because he gets a bit grumpy if it doesn't go his way.

Now, he wants dd to travel in the limos to the church, then church to crematorium.

I don't have an issue with this in theory. But she doesn't want to.

She wants to sit with me and my parents (there was never animosity between me and ex in laws). Ex husband was her to sit with him.

I have suggested I sit behind him at the end of a pew so if she needs me she can come to me.

This isn't good enough for him. He said she is to sit with him and I will be a few rows back, dd isn't happy with this at all. Ex is being a bit of a mule. Not really listening to what dd had told me and just keeps saying "well she didn't say any of this whilst I've had her" I don't know what to do.

My parents have suggested making her go in the family car with him and sit with him but this doesn't fit right with me.

She's also said she doesn't want to go to the crematorium without me. But it's immediate family only.

I have seen ex fil since mil passed and he was very keen for me to be involved with the family but I'm aware dynamics and emotions change etc.

There has been a lot of financial stuff come to light in the last 3-4 months and my parents have lent £10k to ex husband to cover these debts (again not sure if it's relevant)

I'm so sorry for the length that and any comments will be taken on board! Thank you

He lied about "all the cousins" going to the crematorium.

In fact the two girl cousins she was relying on being there were the ones that weren't.

It's because she was told they were going (he confirmed in a text last night that "ALL" the cousins were going to the crematorium) that was why she agreed.

Never mind the fact that whilst walking behind his mother's coffin he stopped to hug dd and the carried on five paces before turning round again and asking her audibly "want to sit up here with me?"

She just shook her head and looked down.

I'm mortified

So did he let her sit with you?

In the church yes.

But we all agreed that she could go to the crematorium if she was ok with it. And it was on the understanding that her cousins (the nieces) were going.

They didn't go (their mother told me today that they never wanted to go to it).

I'm absolutely furious. But I'll hold my tongue until after Thursday when I have my stressful day out of the way.

That way we can try and have a shit down and a chat

Just to clarify I didn't go to the crematorium

Poor kid. Is she ok?

I think attending the church / parlour would have been enough for any child.

She seems absolutely fine thankfully. Although after making a song and dance about calling her this evening he hasn't.

I can’t think why he’s your ex?

🙄😖

I’m glad DD got through today ok, I hope you told her you were proud of her for saying what she wanted & didn’t want to do.

I hope Thursday goes as well as it can for you.

Your parents/in-laws seem very tied up with each other, and your FIL sounds decent. Maybe your ExH will find out that blood isn’t actually everything when you’re acting like a complete twat.

@IncrediblySadToo

There's a reason or two I left him lol.

My dd knows how proud of her I am and how proud granny would have been for being so brave and well behaved today etc.

We had a cuddle and chat at bedtime and she seemed happy enough.

Thursday is a different kettle of fish all together. I majorly fucked up and am appearing in court. My god my life is a bloody soap opera

Ah that is different kettle of fish!

How majorly? Do you have a solicitor? Do you know what to expect?

@LJS79 pretty bloody huge to be honest.

I was in a very coercively and emotionally controlled short term relationship with someone.

They lied to me about a lot of things. But also made me do things I didn't want to (I felt at the time I didn't have choice but on reflection I absolutely did have a choice so I stupidly lied to the police).

As I have no previous, been co-operative and honest since my arrest they think worst case scenario is a suspended sentence.

Have you prepared your daughter and yourself just in case it isn't?
These things can be hard to predict but sounds like you have plenty of mitigation.
(I work in criminal justice system)

I have a pretty good solicitor. My dad does civil law and has a good friend who was a criminal lawyer that recommended someone.

My mitigating circumstances are pretty good and my pre sentence report was very favourable.

But unfortunately attempting to pervert the course of justice calls for an immediate custodial sentence. So I'm beyond nervous to be honest.

As for my dd. It's a conversation we are going to have this evening.

She knows I did something stupid that I shouldn't have done. And I told her what it was and what I should have done instead.

The potential for a custodial sentence hasn't been discussed yet though. I wanted yesterday out of the way before I had that chat with her.

I don't want to say the words "prison" or "jail" though.

More to say that I'll be going to a centre that will teach me not to do that again.

I don't want to frighten her unnecessarily.

I'm sure your solicitor has said but you can take character references to court. Do you work? One from an employer is sometimes useful. You can write a letter to the judge as well to express your remorse and explain how you felt at the time and how you feel now.

"Daddy needs you to sit in the car and with him at the front because he's sad, we'll be a little way behind you and we'll be waiting for you afterwards' isn't too much to ask of an eight year old."

Agree with this 100%. It's a good lesson in thinking of others and their needs. It's her father, not some random stranger.

Oh my goodness just seen your updates which makes my post majorly out of date. You poor thing, no wonder you are struggling. I hope Thursday goes well.

@downcasteyes thanks for your input but the funeral happened yesterday.

I may just add that at my biological grandfather's funeral, as an adult, I wanted to be with my mother. My "d"f makes me feel uncomfortable and is beyond dramatic and embarrassing most of the time.

I can barely process this as a 34 year old woman. Never mind an 8 year old child.

@downcasteyes thank you. Cross post I think.

Had a chat with dd this morning as she said wants me to help her deal with her df being over the top.

He's uncannily like my own dad.

Over the top in public with affection and making me feel awkward.

She is only 8! Has she been to a funeral before? They can be very upsetting for young children. Especially, seeing adults they love crying etc. They can be upsetting enough to attend as an adult.

Absolutely your daughter should be with you. You can take her out if necessary, obviously your ex won’t want to leave his mums funeral service.

I hope it goes ok.

@LJS79 I have a lot of character references and I don't work.

My solicitor hasn't suggested I do my own letter to the judge so I haven't done one.

Worth me calling and asking?

Sorry x post!

@Yogagirl123 no worries.

My poor dd. She feels so conflicted at the moment and she's worried about upsetting her df.

Plus me having to have a chat with her about my plight. She could really do without it all.

I think that at 8 years old your daughter should, of course, be listened to. However we listen to our children wanting to watch the iPad for hours and eat nothing but coco pops. It's what they want not necessarily what they need. I think this is a good time to say I hear how worried you are but what is going to happen is that you'll be with Daddy and Mummy will be nearby. It's nothing to do with 'support' not many children could support an adult even if they wanted to. At very sad and traumatic times I've wanted to be near my children. I haven't wanted them to 'support' me

@WienerDiva I think so
It allows you to put your side across if you want to.
You don't have to but it sometimes helps
You can always write one and take it to court with you and see what your barrister says?

@aprilshowers12 i understand what you're saying.

My thinking was that as much there is very much an element of that, whilst her df is focusing (and rightly so) on saying goodbye to his deceased mother, he has his dp to support him. Who would be dd have to support her?

If me and her df were still together I'd of course have been able to support and comfort both.
My dd isn't close to his dp and doesn't invite physical affection from her (she doesn't from my dp either and we are all ok with that).

It's at times like that when you need the other parent.

Had she wanted to be close to her df at that time I'd have absolutely allowed it. But she made it clear more than once that she needed me.