Do you have problems? I can solve them all.

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Hello, I'm Thigh. I will work with you to help you achieve the perfect balance in life. I am unfettered by knowledge or training as are my on call team of kindly agony aunts. We're ready to heal you.

I've always been dead

Yep reporting in dead over here!

It's ok actually, a bit like a snooze!

I'm trying to be dead, but i keep being asked to do things.

Just play dead Dog that's what I'm doing! You don't need to really die. Stay inert!

True, this may be our best strategy yet.

I look pretty ghostly on my passport photo. Could definitely pretend to be lifeless.

I just have blood so I don’t think I’m dead. At least, I wasn’t this morning.

*gave

Good phone discipline Reg

This is the way forward! We just play dead until people forget that we were ever active members of society and stop bothering us!

Yippee!!

Some one has pushed a weight loss advert under my door. I’m taking this very personally. Shall I knock next door and ask if they need to lose weight too?

Witch no don't do that! You don't want to trigger any unwanted requests for neighbourly favours or any moaning about your overhanging bush (so to speak)

Just play dead!! We've just found out it's the answer to everything!

Secret could you wait behind the door for the next leaflet? When they push it through, push it back. They push it through again, push it back. And so on. The important thing is to remain absolutely silent during the process to make it as weird as possible. Do not speak

Great idea Project, or you could push back a different leaflet, along the idea that they're advertising e.g. weight loss, you could interest them in those weird catalogues of things you never knew you needed, like grout whitener, or a stick for picking things off the floor without bending, or a foot muff(?). (I spend too long looking through those ones).

I would like a bending refusal stick DT

I really dislike my postman. He’s a bastard. I might start silently pushing everything back through the letterbox too.

DT???

Dog!!!

You could push stuff back at him using your long grabby stick, then you could wait til he had turned away before silently extending your morning offering and catching him unawares.

I miss the Innovations Catalogue.

Do we think Thigh might have been scared up a tree by a chicken during her visit to the countryside? Was it this week? I hope she has weapons because she'll have no mobile phone signal.

I miss thigh i hope she makes it back down from the tree. Although more likely a friendly child scared her up it than a chicken.

Why don't we have a second letterbox fitted but in reverse on the inside so that when the postman posts the leaflets through, we can post our own leaflets right back at him simultaneously!

We could send him Arse Cards!

Rather than a stick I might use an amusing glove puppet.

Hopefully she's fashioned her slanket into a hammock and is relaxing.

Ooh yes. Just a chute really. So they put the letters in, and then they spit back out at the poster.

That’ll teach you, bastard postman.

Maybe we should send thigh and Arse card to let her know we are Thinking Of Her.

Yes we should!

Reg please can you knock together an Arse Card for thigh in case she's forgotten her thisters?

I really do hate letters, they never say anything nice do they, it's either boring like spam or mildly annoying like a mortgage balance statement or just plain bad news like a speeding fine!

Is there a way to ban letters?

woohoo oooowooohooo still dead but patrolling battlements a la Banquo or Hamlet's dad? Can't remember anything from 'o' levels apart from "Out, damn spot!" and stage direction, 'Bear exits left'.

Time for formulate revenge tactics Secret, make it personal. Perhaps you could mock up some leaflets along the lines of "Worried about your personal hygiene - do you smell?", "Top 10 indicators you have Galloling Gonorrea" or "Litmus test for bad breath; lick square check if you're 1 to 10 or FFS, GET TO A DENTIST NOW!"

we could seal up our letterboxes?