Need to pull myself together for the children

[Simonfromharlow]

My husband left me 10 days ago. I feel so down. I'm being a shit mum to my kids as I can't pull myself together. This is so hard. I don't know how to cope.

That’s really positive. I found it really helpful to take practical steps. Made me feel as though I had some control.

Also recommend you look at entitledto.com, and call HMRC for tax credit forms. Even if you think you don’t need them, get the ball rolling just in case.

So glad you are feeling a little better.

I've applied for universal credit and have an interview on Friday.

I have some of our shared money that I can access if needed.

I've felt strangely calm today. Im expecting a huge low on Tuesday when he leaves but then hoping slowly slowly it will start getting better.

I still feel a bit like it's a dream and I'll wake up and it will all be back to normal. :(

Think a PP suggested new bed linen? Maybe have it ready for Tuesday? Make sure you are in self-care mode. Wrap up, look after yourself, stay close to home, have food ready for the DCs.

It’s ok to close the curtains and weep if that’s what you need to do.

Do you have friends and family around for support?

Yes my friends and family have been absolutely fantastic. Obviously they can't be here all the time so I have my low points. Feel better when others around.

Mumsnet is your best friend . We will stop you doing the wrong thing, and we do all want your life to get better..
Finding a new hobby is a good idea, maybe make some bath bombs are take up baking... Something fun, you can share with your children..
You will enjoy showing off your efforts and have an end result to show for it.

Look after yourself op. It must have been such a shock.

I'm no expert on this and hopefully someone who knows what they're talking about will come along, but I wouldn't want to leave money in shared accounts as he could literally empty the account and leave you with nothing.

I'd personally be setting up a new separate account and emptying exactly half of the shared money. Why is he so chipper? I don't mean to cause you any upset by asking, but do you think there could be someone else?

I'm in a similar situation OP although it was a mutual decision and I'm the one who moved out. It's shock and it sucks. This is my first day in my new place without the kids and I won't see them until weds now. I feel really panicky when I'm alone - and I feel so so alone I had the kids last night and ended up shouting at them as I just have no capacity to cope with their behaviour at the moment - when they need me most.

Everything I've read states that the kids will be okay if you are. No pressure then

We can do this and come out stronger the other side

It's shared money but only I have access to it so if he tried anything i would be ok for a bit.

Mumsnet has been fantastic. This thread is keeping me going. It's like getting a text from a friend when i see another post!

I have asked him multiple times if there is someone else. He says no and I think I believe him.
I have been discussing with my mum actually I think he is so chipper because the reality of this hasn't hit him yet. I think reality will hit when he's in his old single bed in his parents house and he realises he won't see the kids for a fortnight. I think currently he's happy as he thinks he's getting what he wants and it's all working out but he's not actually left the family home yet so it's not real.

@Misty9 I'm finding the same with shouting at the kids

Feel like such a shit mum. I will be glad then they are back at school and nursery as won't have to be 'on' all the time

Huge hugs 💐
Don't beat yourself up about your parenting at the moment X

MN was a bloody marvel when I went through it.

So good to hear of people who have come out the other side

Like quite a few of us here, I'm dealing with a H whose announced he wants out too. It's really hard without the complication of young kids. Get help from where you can and work out interim money as soon as possible with him. C Beebies won't hurt for a few days, or try going to somewhere new, without memories.

Do not expect answers, you will do your own head in trying to reason why....
He is doing this because he is a twat, and he can. Accept this as why it happened.
There is nothing you can or should do to change this .
However accept that a lot of men coming begging to return home, then three weeks later, do this again..
Do not let him back.. what ever he thinks is wrong in your relationship will still be there ..
Oh and be happy, do not sit in a room and cry, it stokes his ego, in he was such a catch you can't bare to let him go . Instead just accept your life post male, will be easier... A big bed, the children will do what you want, rather than having to check what another adult wants to do .
Book a small weekend away, with the children, plan points on the calendar, so you have a count down to a treat.

Hi Simon just wanted to check u r ok. Well done for getting through the day. Your friends / family and kids will be your strength . Do something positive tomorrow even if it's half hour out of the house with bikes or scooters or even playing in the garden for a bit. You will feel better for it . I'm not quite through the other side yet ( logistically) but it's already so much better than when it first happened and much better than being in that terrible relationship. You will find your strength when the panic and fear subsides. You have to go through that first it's only natural .

I’m a year on from where you are. I felt exactly like you. It turns out there was another woman waiting in the wings which explained why it was so easy for DP to leave - like yours did not appear u happy at all. I think now a year on, I have the DC most of the time and ex sees them less than 24 hours a fortnight. I never ever thought I would be in this position BUT I am ok. Doing well in fact. The DC have found it hard, particularly the youngest. I have got through by doing the bare minimum at times. Feeding them and loving them. The rest has gone to pot a bit. Housework undone and dishes left. But I prioritised the children and myself when they were at school/nursery.
You can get through this. I promise with every day, week and month it gets less painful. Keep posting on here

I'm going to try and keep this post going as it has been such a help. My family have been doing what they do best And making fun of me tonight which has been a nice bit of relief. Friends and family are so important.

I've been there too, left with young children. My solace was that although it was hard work, I still had the joys of spending most of the time with my DC's when my DH had to settle for seeing them less. (EOW)

I focused on my work and on making sure we were very organized at home. We ( kids and I) worked together as a team, life became quite calm, it was all about them and me. Life relaxed eventually and actually we had more fun together.

You can do this, you will be fine. Actually now I look back as our split being for the best.

On another note, ( and as an educational professional), please have a quiet word with school/nursery when the DC's return. Staff will be supportive and will be able to make appropriate time for your DC's. They will be able to understand any changes in behaviour too.

Thinking of you!

Going back to school, will help your eldest, as their friends will be able to remind them that they won't be the only ones.
You may suddenly get a Disney Daddy ..
All fun and no rules... Just decide what you want.

My advice is don’t focus on what your XH is doing. Don’t go after answers you’ll never get. Don’t put your energy into him. Your energy is precious and you need it for you.

Focus on what you are doing. Focus on your children. Let the pain and hurt come, then let it go.

I found counselling very helpful. Particularly when it came to setting boundaries.

XH felt he could come and go as he pleased, still
Viewed the family home as ‘his’. That was a tough one, but crucial for me.

The very fact that you are on here, asking for support, means that you are NOT a shit mum. A shit mum doesn't come on Mumsnet to seek help. A father who fucks off though......well, that's a different story.

Cut yourself some slack and do whatever it takes to get through the next few hours/days/weeks. Beans on toast and chippy dinners, early bedtimes to give yourself some space, lazy mornings in bed, TV on, whatever you need to do to make it work for now.

I know what you mean about MN being a great help. I could not discuss in RL , so this was a source of real comfort.
Sympathy , advice , empathy and also constantly being told it would be OK.

Eventually, I even post about non relation ship things now! Because I am so much better place now. And this is only since January - but yeah , a bit different in that we stayed together. No DCs to consider , as an older couple.

You are NOT a shit Mum. To be able to get up each day, tend to your DCs and be there is a HUGE task. And your DCs will later appreciate how strong you were for them , while going through such a tough time. And you will continue to be a great Mum, as they will ALWAYS have you and DH will only ever now be part time. Very much his loss.

Take all the help and support you can from family and friends. It is OK to get upset, cry if you need to . As so many MNers are saying, it truly DOES get better with time.Hope that thought gives you comfort.