Need to pull myself together for the children

[Simonfromharlow]

My husband left me 10 days ago. I feel so down. I'm being a shit mum to my kids as I can't pull myself together. This is so hard. I don't know how to cope.

Very hard. It hurts so much that he's so happy with himself now. Getting on with his life while I feel like this.

It’ll be easier on Tuesday. It’s harder when they’re there-but-not-there, and you can’t start to move forward.
Try to get out and about, somewhere where the kids can play with minimal input- take a ball on a picnic, soft play if it’s open, enclosed play park etc.
When he’s gone buy new bedding etc- make your room yours rather than one you used to share.

It will get better.

Give yourself time, allow yourself to grieve. Be kind to yourself.

It will get better.

No advice, but I'm going through the same and know how you feel. Mine left three days ago. So hard :(

I'm sorry you're going through this too @Cakepig

Happy Easter @simon.
I hope you and the kids getsso e chocolate today.

@Simonfromharlow thanks xx

@weekfour thanks x

I feel fine when I'm around other people but when I'm alone and at night i start to over think and dwell on things. Then feel really low again.

I remember it so well. No one understood because I was the one who did everything - XH couldn’t understand why I wasn’t up and about taking care of the DCs.

Time. It’s a cliche, but it’s true. Allow yourself some time. Then you will gather your strength, and you will be ok.

I hate this. I hate feeling this way.

So very sorry you're having to go through this, Simonfromharlow. You sound absolutely lovely. Like others have said who have been in your situation (me too) you will get through this, you have your lovely children and time does sort it out.

@Simonfromharlow it will get better I promise. You just have to keep getting up each morning and gradually the awful pain eases.

Oh love, you poor thing. You're still in shock I imagine. You will get through this but it's ok to be horribly upset right now!
As long as you're feeding the kids and giving them a hug they'll be ok. Honestly. And sometimes a cuddle with the kids can be the best medicine.
Take any and all support. You will soon feel so much stronger, please believe me. Keep telling yourself like a mantra that this pain is temporary.

I'm telling myself that but having trouble believing it.

One day at a time. That’s as good as it gets right now.

So many of us have been there. We’re all here to tell you it will be ok, even if you don’t believe it at the moment.

Don't be so hard on yourself - I didn't even love my ex but when we eventually split it was awful . Time will heal you, what you need to do now is fake it til you make it. Get outside with the kids- give them some fun - it's hard but not impossible.
You can do it my love, I promise you x

Thanks all! I'm going to do my best! Thanks for all your supportive words!

I love hearing stories of people who have come through the other side

This is a tough time for you Simonfromharlow, and I'm sorry for what you and the children are going through.

This may sound harsh, but I wonder if thinking about the hard practicalities of the separation would help you even a little bit? Like another PP I've found planning can help me get some form of control and help me think clearly.

Eg: Giving your mind tasks such as: what are your finances? Do you work outside the home or a SAHP? What access do you have to money - eg joint account? Do you, personally, have savings? What are the joint savings? What about the mortgage? Will you need to sell and each but somewhere smaller? You don't have to respond here - these are questions for you to consider for the next phase.

If you have not yet taken your own legal advice talk to your parents or Women's Aid for help and guidance.

You will need your own solicitor to help with the separation/divorce and a financial settlement.

He is still here until Tuesday but has been pretty absent.

Before he leaves and, I assume, takes all his documentation with him, gather and copy/photograph from your phone all relevant financial information when he's out, eg copies of his payslips, bank statements, pension statements for when you see your solicitor. Change the pin/passwords on your phone and other devices so he's unable to access correspondence about this situation.

Email the copied documents to a new email address you create which he is unable to access.

Do not tell him you are talking to a solicitor until you absolutely have to.

I'm sure you don't want to do any of this and maybe he'll be very fair but it will help you to focus on some of these practical issues a) to help keep yourself together and b) to ensure, when it comes to it, that you get the best financial deal for you and your children.

It will also help you have all this information if the split becomes less amicable from his side than it is now.

It hurts so much that he's so happy with himself now. Getting on with his life while I feel like this.

No I didn't see it coming at all.
He's had time (which you have not had) to think about and plan this. He is being practical about his next steps - you need to be too.

All this is easy for me to say and hard for you to do, so I'm wishing you strength for the future OP. 🌹

I'm sorry OP. I've been there too and like others I can tell you it does get easier and one day you will be on here saying the same.

It's harder when they are still there, as you can't get your head straight. Holidays are hard too as the kids are off and the usual routine is out.
Can you pack a picnic and take the kids out or leave the kids with him and you go out?

It's awful right now and feels like everything's upside down but it will get better.

My children's father walked out a couple of days before Xmas about 12/13 years ago and it devastated me. It was hard for a while in many ways, but it does change. I know this is easy for me to say however!

Also, ensure he's also parenting the children. He shouldn't be swanning off leaving you with them all the time. Leave him with the kids and head off on your own for some space and head time. See a friend/family, sit in McDs, whatever is possible. But get a couple of hours to yourself.

OP remember that he's been planning this for a while, whereas you've only just found out and it's a bolt from the blue. So don't beat yourself up about being in shock. You haven't had the time he's had to process it all.

Be nice to yourself and to the DCs, as long as they're fed and dressed that's good enough. And yes you WILL survive, but it will be painful for quite a while. Just remember that you've done nothing wrong and he's an arse.

He's got them today so I've used the time to make a parenting plan. Set it all out and I think he going to agree with it.

Feels good to have some control over something

Do you have shared bank accounts
If so take your share... You need a bulk head of cash, it is not the way people say to do it, but being broke stinks, when you see him living on the hog, as you were trying to be nice...
Oh you are allowed to be angry at him, for doing this.....