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Original poster

I want a baby but my boyfriend wants to wait

135 replies

WelshFarmGirl · 08/04/2019 16:37

Hi, I'm not really used to posting this stuff so please bear with me.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years this year. We moved in together at the start of this year after a long battle to get him out of his mother's house. We are not engaged (even though he knows I want to be) but that's another story. We are 22 and 25 which I know is young.

Okay, so my parents were young when they had my older sister (they were 21) and had me at 25. My sister had her baby at 21 and my aunts/uncles/cousins have all started families young. I always said by the time I was 21 I would have had a baby. I understood that university needed to come first so i concentrated on that and am graduating this July and going to work straight out of university. My job means I am able to work from home. So having a baby is the next step for me. We are a settled couple. I had my fun drunk times in university so I'm done with all that.

My boyfriend on the other hand wants to wait. He's slow with commitment and doesn't want children until he's 30. I don't want to wait until I'm 27 to start my family. His mother had him at 35 so she convinces him waiting is better. He was an only child so it's not like she had to factor in more than one pregnancy. I would like 4 children if I am able to carry and have children. And so I'd want to start trying soon because I don't want them all close together.

I know I sound really needy and I do keep on at him about it a lot but I just don't know what to do. I really can't stop thinking about having a baby. I am on the pill and taking regularly (I don't want to fall pregnant accidentally in case he thinks I've done it on purpose). His mother does make comments on how I'm planning to trap him with a baby but if I wanted to trap him I would be done it 4 years ago! But every month I hope he'll say okay let's try.
What should I do?
Please help!

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 08/04/2019 17:17

I’m always surprised when these threads come up that young women in early 20’s always seem to be financially secure even while stil at uni, have their own homes. It’s fantastic if that’s the case, enjoy the fruits of your labour then settle down

irnbruforlife · 08/04/2019 17:18

Leave him and find someone who wants the same things you do. There is nothing wrong with wanting a child in your position. If he is dragging his heels now, he'll probably drag his heels in 5 years time. The whole other commitment issues you say he has would make me run for the hills. Find someone who shares you ambitions, not someone who will hold you back.

SilverySurfer · 08/04/2019 17:21

It's irrelevant at what age assorted family members had their first child. Your BF sounds sensible to me and all the reasons in your last post are irrelevant if he doesn't want one.

You need to choose what is more important to you - your relationship or having a baby. If it's the latter and you're not prepared to wait then you will have to leave him and find someone else who does want a baby now - who knows how long that will take.

There's so much to experience in the world and you're still young that I don't understand why you're so desperate, unless it's other family members have babies so you want one too which isn't the best reason for parenthood.

As others have said wfh is not compatible with looking after a baby so that won't work.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 08/04/2019 17:22

What a ridiculous thing to say @irnbruforlife he’s 25! He’s not dragging his heels to not want a baby now.

PurpleDaisies · 08/04/2019 17:25

If he is dragging his heels now, he'll probably drag his heels in 5 years time.

What a load of rubbish. Hmm

moosesormeece · 08/04/2019 17:27

Regardless of who's right about the best age to have a baby, setting out to raise a large family with a man who puts his mother's wishes above yours is a recipe for disaster.

duckduckgoose2 · 08/04/2019 17:28

Neither of you is wrong, but you either wait and see or leave him and find someone else.
You need to decide if you think he will be ready in a time frame you can accept, or move on.

Apoiads · 08/04/2019 17:34

You sound entirely mismatched to me. You want a large family - does he?

OutingOutlander · 08/04/2019 17:37

Hi OP,

I'm 23 and my DP is 28, and we've just had our first baby. Our baby was planned and very wanted, but it was something we BOTH wanted. I also had my own place (rented) and am dealing with long term health issues so uni or a job were never options for me. We now have a baby on a single wage (my DP's) and are waiting to move on the housing register as we currently live in a very small 1 bed.

What I'm trying to say is that even though we planned for our baby, it's a tough situation. Our baby was my 4th pregnancy due to previous miscarriages. I only felt ready as I worked in nurseries for 2 years total beforehand. You can't hand your own baby back.

Yes I am young but I'm still doing well and feel like my baby is content and happy and loved. But we (my DP and I) both look after our baby, both pitch in and both wanted this. We BOTH wanted to live together, both wanted to be engaged and both 100% wanted this baby. If you're not on the same page it just doesn't work. I know even if we split up (and the odds aren't in our favour) that he would be involved and I can trust him with our child. Can you honestly say the same?

Also, due to living alone from just 17, at 23 I was confident in my abilities to manage my home/life and a baby has disrupted that, but thankfully having that much experience of doing it alone means I knew I'd be okay and my home is still tidy and clean, my pets are still looked after, I just fit it all around my baby now. I'd say get some more experience of what it means to run your home before introducing a baby to the mix.

DioneTheDiabolist · 08/04/2019 17:38

He's slow with commitment and doesn't want children until he's 30. I don't want to wait until I'm 27 to start my family.
Then leave him. He has made it clear he doesn't want children yet.

I always said by the time I was 21 I would have had a baby.
He has messed up you baby at 21 plans because he doesn't want to have any children until he is 30.

But every month I hope he'll say okay let's try.
He's not going to do that because he doesn't want a baby yet.

I... ...and am prepared for a baby.
He isn't.

My family are wholly behind us if we should want a baby.
But you (plural) don't want a baby. Your DP doesn't want a baby until he is 30. That's another 5 years away.

OP, in the kindest way, YOUR DP DOESNT WANT A BABY YET. So unless you leave him, you're going to have to wait and do other stuff instead.

HotChocolateLover · 08/04/2019 17:40

Please please don’t have a baby now!! I love my son to bits but I was only 19 when I had him and it was far too young, I think that 28-32 is the perfect age to have babies. You’re still young enough to run around after them but hopefully all your party days are behind you. Plus you should have some money saved up. You only get one chance to be young, carefree and childfree so ENJOY IT!!!

Wolfiefan · 08/04/2019 17:41

So he doesn’t want to get engaged yet you want to marry?
He didn’t want to move out of his mum’s?
He’s a boyfriend and not a partner?
So you are not in a relationship you should be bringing a child into.

TapasForTwo · 08/04/2019 17:46

You clearly haven't thought this through properly. Why is having a baby now so important to you?

You are only 22. You have your whole life ahead of you. Why don't you make the most of your freedom - travel, indulge in child unfriendly hobbies, enjoy other experiences that aren't compatible with parenthood?

There is much, much more to life than being a parent. I can totally understand why your boyfriend doesn't want to be tied down so young.

And please read this thread about children not necessarily improving your life.

Apoiads · 08/04/2019 17:53

You haven't even got a job yet. There is usually a minimum time in a contract before they will pay maternity leave.

Your boyfriend is only 25. Who would want to be lumbered with nappies and up all night with a crying baby at that age!!! Your twenties should be for having fun! Not being forced into becoming a father!

His mother is being sensible as is he.

ooItsAoBeautifulDayNow · 08/04/2019 17:53

He isn't ready.

He is being totally honest about that.

You feel entitled to pressurise someone as regards the biggest decision of their life.

Your plan was kids at 21. Why does your plan overrule his plan?

So your options as an adult, taking into consideration the feelings of another adult with an equal say in this decision, are:

  1. Stay together and keep talking as equals without pressure but know it isn't fair to push him into planning a child when he has been absolutely clear he is not ready
  1. Break up because you aren't on the same page at all - doesn't mean either is right or wrong, just that you have incompatible timelines and expectations
  1. Be a bully and continue to make someone feel bad for not being ready yet to change their life forever and being honest about that with you

I feel really bad for him :(

Gertie75 · 08/04/2019 17:55

Just echoing what others have said in that you and your boyfriend are both right, you can't force him to have a baby same as he shouldn't tell you you're wrong in wanting one.

You should respect his decision and admire his honesty then decide whether you're ok with waiting or would be happier moving on, I think you'll find it hard to meet someone willing to have children so young though.

Jessgalinda · 08/04/2019 17:55

What relevance is that your job will allow you to work from home?

You do realise working from home means working not doing childcare?

Especially with a baby or young child.

Tealtights · 08/04/2019 17:57

Working from home still requires childcare. And finishing your clubbing days is not the main prerequisite to parenthood despite every broody young woman's belief!

Apoiads · 08/04/2019 17:58

I can't see this working out for you long term at all. You have totally conflicting life plans and it's not going to work.

Sleepyblueocean · 08/04/2019 18:01

If being married is important to you then do that first. If he has no plans for that then having a baby with him is probably a bad idea.

Lorrainekellysaccountant · 08/04/2019 18:01

Do you want a baby or do you want to start a family with this chap?
If it's the latter then you need to learn compromise and not to get your own way all the time. If you had to drag him away to get him to move in, he's already compromised. Where's your compromise? Either: decide on a compromise, decide he's not for you or bully him into it and expect to be a single parent in a short space of time.
You don't mean to, I'm sure, but you're coming across like Verucca Salt.

TheCraicDealer · 08/04/2019 18:02

I have worked from home and looked after my (at the time) 3 month old neice for two hours to help my sister out, and an afternoon more recently now that DNeice is 17mo when DSis was in labour. DNeice is an angel-child and I managed, but it was hard and I had to make up time later. It's not something you could do every day without something giving, whether that be the quality of your work or the amount of downtime/sleep you have in the evenings. Anyone I know that WFH and has kids uses childcare unless in exceptional circumstances like illness.

You're in very different places in your respective lives and tbh it sounds like you should call it a day and move on before you start resenting each other. It's not unusual or unreasonable to want to wait until 30 to have a family, so perhaps you should find out pretty sharpish where your next partner stands on timelines before you find yourself in the same position with a different fella.

Sleepyblueocean · 08/04/2019 18:04

Since you are graduating in July I think you should be concentrating on your degree right now.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 08/04/2019 18:07

If I had known what motherhood/parenting entailed before I had my first child I would have delayed it until at least my 30’s. I would have established a career (and I don’t just mean secured a job out of college- I mean stepped up a couple of wrungs on the ladder), created a healthy cushion of savings, travelled extensively, be sure I had done all the things I wanted to do that couldn’t be done after having children, gotten married and been 100% certain I was choosing an excellent, willing and committed father for my children. Raising my children is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. There are definitely things I could have done differently before having them that would’ve made it a lot easier for me and crucially, for the children.

Hollowvictory · 08/04/2019 18:09

You both want different things at the moment. That may change in time. Stop nagging him. Focus on your career.