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Original poster

I want a baby but my boyfriend wants to wait

135 replies

WelshFarmGirl · 08/04/2019 16:37

Hi, I'm not really used to posting this stuff so please bear with me.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years this year. We moved in together at the start of this year after a long battle to get him out of his mother's house. We are not engaged (even though he knows I want to be) but that's another story. We are 22 and 25 which I know is young.

Okay, so my parents were young when they had my older sister (they were 21) and had me at 25. My sister had her baby at 21 and my aunts/uncles/cousins have all started families young. I always said by the time I was 21 I would have had a baby. I understood that university needed to come first so i concentrated on that and am graduating this July and going to work straight out of university. My job means I am able to work from home. So having a baby is the next step for me. We are a settled couple. I had my fun drunk times in university so I'm done with all that.

My boyfriend on the other hand wants to wait. He's slow with commitment and doesn't want children until he's 30. I don't want to wait until I'm 27 to start my family. His mother had him at 35 so she convinces him waiting is better. He was an only child so it's not like she had to factor in more than one pregnancy. I would like 4 children if I am able to carry and have children. And so I'd want to start trying soon because I don't want them all close together.

I know I sound really needy and I do keep on at him about it a lot but I just don't know what to do. I really can't stop thinking about having a baby. I am on the pill and taking regularly (I don't want to fall pregnant accidentally in case he thinks I've done it on purpose). His mother does make comments on how I'm planning to trap him with a baby but if I wanted to trap him I would be done it 4 years ago! But every month I hope he'll say okay let's try.
What should I do?
Please help!

OP posts:
WBWIFE · 09/04/2019 09:50

He sounds like a man child that eidnt actually want to move out..

You cant force someone to want the same things as you, and forcing someone to move out most definitely never ends well.

Having a baby sounds fabulous but in reality it is hard and if your relationship isnt 100% now then it most definitely will not be after a child.

Having a baby was the most testing time for me and my DH and we were solid! We still are luckily, but I can see why people split after having a baby! It is so, so testing.

Well I found it was anyway having a baby with silent reflux, the sleep deprivation, feeling like me and DH barely saw one another or spent time together, the hormones!

Do not trap this man!! Its unfair on you, him and a baby.

If hes not ready he is not ready, you either wait or you go elsewhere.

FerdinandsMighyTesticles · 09/04/2019 09:55

I had to laugh at the poster who said you didn't expect us to be so much more mature than you. It sounds like something a 15 year old would say. I could mentally hear her flick her hair. We're like well mature round here.

Op I dont think yabu in wanting a child young. I had my first when I was 27 and I travelled extensively and did all the stuff you should do beforehand. But I think in a way it actually made it harder. Motherhood can really make your world very small sometimes after you've done a lot. I see a lot of older mothers struggle in a way younger ones dont. And there's no denying that you're fitter at 21 than 31.

It's also really not that young. It's quite a normal age really but because we've been pushing it back every generation we forget it is quite a normal age to have kids.

That said, I would leave. Your boyfriend has had to be dragged into everything. He uses his mother as an excuse.This will be your whole life. You love him but that's not all that matters. You need to be on the same page and you may well find that he needs dragging on every major life change (some people do). Some people don't like change.

FerdinandsMighyTesticles · 09/04/2019 09:57

I've watched too many friends stay with guys who weren't ready yet only for them to find out too late, that they would never be ready.

And then boom, he meets someone else and has a child when he wants to (Because he can)

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Jessgalinda · 09/04/2019 09:58

OP if wanted advice on how to get rid of the baby fever why did you post that you work from home, able to provide childcare, financially stable etc

Essentially putting an, albeit flawed, argument forward for why now was the right time?

FerdinandsMighyTesticles · 09/04/2019 10:04

Also OP most people with big families do start a bit earlier. You just need to think if this is something you need. If you won't be satisfied with life if not it's probably risky staying with him. If your family have children young and you wait it may also mean that you miss out on similar age cousins for your children.

SoHotADragonRetired · 09/04/2019 10:07

Like they say, nethuns tells you want you want to hear ('OMG hun you would make a great mum, he is soooooo unreasonable') and the nest of vipers tells you what you need to hear: he isn't the guy, you don't want the same things, and the way you write about this frankly shows that you aren't ready to have a baby.

Youngandfree · 09/04/2019 10:14

You see men are different to women they need to feel able to provide for a family, they need to feel stable and money, job and house are a HUGE part for them. The physical aspect of having the baby side is out of their control, what’s in his control is providing for that baby. If you love him and respect him you will wait for him to fulfill his needs and targets too. This will make it a more solid decision between the two of you, not just a maternal instinct decision that you have pushed on him. At 22 you are a baby, (no insult intended) you have PLENTY of time, relax, work a few years in you job and revisit it with him at a time that suits you BOTH. It’s not a decision you can or should force on him just because you are ready, so accept his feelings and focus on something else I PROMISE it will work out better because of it!

Youngandfree · 09/04/2019 10:21

I cared for my niece for over 6 months of her life (3-9months of age) and am prepared for a baby.

Also this... this is the EASIEST part of having a child!!! Believe me!! Your 6month experience of looking after your niece dies not compare, it’s not the same in ANY way shape or form, there is no emotional investment (believe me, because I know you’re thinking but she’s my niece I love her like my own!!) you don’t love nieces like they are your own!! Because they are not!! When caring for your niece you cared for her on a basic level, that was looking after a baby NOT parenting!! They are two COMPLETELY different things!!

Youngandfree · 09/04/2019 10:30

*does

Apoiads · 09/04/2019 13:33

If you want to get rid of the 'baby fever', you need to look at the facts.

You haven't yet graduated.
You don't have a job yet.
You had to force your boyfriend to move in with you.
Your bf doesn't want a baby
You're not married. Your bf doesn't want to get married.
You haven't really lived yet.
Everyone is telling you to wait
Your bf's Mum doesn't want him getting tied down at 25
Babies are hard work
If you were to have a baby now, your boyfriend would leave very quickly.

Does that help?

honeylane · 09/04/2019 13:48

I think OP is gone but just in case you aren't

You will drive him away if you carry on like this

septembersunshine · 09/04/2019 14:00

Op you can still have 4 kids if you start at 27! Idid. But just beware that if you wait for this magical age the goal posts may have moved.

Are you two happy together? Want the same things? I do think that your straight out of uni and a few years just to find your feet would be good. Op. Life with a baby is hard and relentless and you will never be as free as you are now. Yes, your family have all done the early family thing but find your own road.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 09/04/2019 14:11

If your boyfriend is not ready for fatherhood or marriage then respect his decision, he is entitled to hold this view and has been honest and clear with you about how he feels.

If you feel his decision is being influenced by his mother I can understand how that might be frustrating for you but it does not mean that his view is less valid.

If you keep on pressurising him after he has told you how he feels it is likely to cause a huge problem in your relationship.

You have two options, respect his decision and wait until he feels ready or end the relationship.

powershowerforanhour · 09/04/2019 14:19

Are you going to farm? That makes it a slightly different situation.

DavyCrocket · 09/04/2019 14:26

It's a massive commitment so you both need to be strong and up for it. When I say up for it, I mean the long haul not just when it's going well.

RedHeadC · 09/04/2019 15:28

Thanks for the advice. I just needed reassurance that waiting for him was worth while. I'm sorry to the people I came accross wrong too. I genuinely never meant I was going to trap him.
I just wanted a little helpful advice. I feel after reading the last few comments I've heard what I needed too. I wouldn't force him into it just wanted to know other people's opinions on how I felt and the situation. I'm new to this and just gave a bit of background info in my original post but it came accross wrong. I am a farmer and didn't put that in because I was sure if I would get abuse from people for it. That means I am more able to work with a child in tow like my parents did and they're parents before them. The only reason I said about why I thought now was the right time was to show my point of it that I wasn't just wanting a baby to just have a baby but that I thought we were ready and didn't get why he thought we weren't.
Just hearing other people's stories has settled me a little that I can wait a couple of years before bringing it up with him again and making sure we both want the same things in life.
I'm sorry again if I've offended anyone or come across wrong with my post. Really sorry!
Thanks for the advice

Apoiads · 09/04/2019 15:37

Just for reference, farms and children don't generally mix well.

www.hse.gov.uk/agriculture/topics/children.htm

Apoiads · 09/04/2019 15:41

I thought we were ready and didn't get why he thought we weren't.

WE aren't ready, because it's just YOU who wants a baby. There is no we in I.

Happyspud · 09/04/2019 15:42

OP you simply can’t farm and mind a baby at the same time for a variety of reasons. And I know a lot of women farmers.

barryfromclareisfit · 09/04/2019 15:44

Leave. He doesn’t want to have a family with you. Don’t waste the best years of your life on him.

emotionalaffair · 09/04/2019 15:48

He sounds sensible. You sound young and immature.

Jessgalinda · 09/04/2019 16:02

I am a farmer and didn't put that in because I was sure if I would get abuse from people for it. That means I am more able to work with a child in tow like my parents did and they're parents before them

If your entire families are farmers you will know, ita not the same as it was 30/50/70 years ago.

Farmers spouses often work out of the home, where they didnt before farmers have far less hands. Profit margins are lower. If you are the farmer and your boyfriend is our at work, who is looking after the baby so you work to make enough profit?

Apoiads · 09/04/2019 16:21

I suspect the OP has visions of the baby being carted around in a travel seat on the farm.

OP it's likely that the mother in the family stayed at home to mind the children while your father worked the farm. To think that you can farm with a baby in a sling or some such other notion, is lunacy.

Can you tell us how you think you're going to work this?

Given your user name, I'm guessing a sheep farmer. Where is the baby going to be while you're herding? In its car seat? What about dosing? Dipping? Lambing? A baby isn't supposed to be on a farm honey.

Apoiads · 09/04/2019 16:26

You don't see builders bringing babies onto a building site. The hazards are too much.

Is the farm you'll be farming, where your parents live? Will they take the baby while you're farming?

The risks are huge. Falls, getting pucked by an animal, getting run over by machinery, falling out of tractors, drowning in sewage tanks, being unsupervised for seconds can and has lead to 100's of fatal accidents.

ABC1234DEF · 09/04/2019 16:27

Jesus.

Farming is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. The hours. The lack of breaks. Something always needs doing.

Then I had a baby. That made farming look like a walk in the park. At least you can grab an hour to have a shower and a hot meal when farming...

Think how much work you think a baby is. Then double it. Then double it again.

You can't realistically do both with a young baby. There's a reason maternity leave entitlement is 12 months. You need time to recover from birth injuries, possible C-section, the sleep deprivation etc. before going back to work, never mind a strenuous job

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