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Original poster

I want a baby but my boyfriend wants to wait

135 replies

WelshFarmGirl · 08/04/2019 16:37

Hi, I'm not really used to posting this stuff so please bear with me.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years this year. We moved in together at the start of this year after a long battle to get him out of his mother's house. We are not engaged (even though he knows I want to be) but that's another story. We are 22 and 25 which I know is young.

Okay, so my parents were young when they had my older sister (they were 21) and had me at 25. My sister had her baby at 21 and my aunts/uncles/cousins have all started families young. I always said by the time I was 21 I would have had a baby. I understood that university needed to come first so i concentrated on that and am graduating this July and going to work straight out of university. My job means I am able to work from home. So having a baby is the next step for me. We are a settled couple. I had my fun drunk times in university so I'm done with all that.

My boyfriend on the other hand wants to wait. He's slow with commitment and doesn't want children until he's 30. I don't want to wait until I'm 27 to start my family. His mother had him at 35 so she convinces him waiting is better. He was an only child so it's not like she had to factor in more than one pregnancy. I would like 4 children if I am able to carry and have children. And so I'd want to start trying soon because I don't want them all close together.

I know I sound really needy and I do keep on at him about it a lot but I just don't know what to do. I really can't stop thinking about having a baby. I am on the pill and taking regularly (I don't want to fall pregnant accidentally in case he thinks I've done it on purpose). His mother does make comments on how I'm planning to trap him with a baby but if I wanted to trap him I would be done it 4 years ago! But every month I hope he'll say okay let's try.
What should I do?
Please help!

OP posts:
PineapplePatty · 08/04/2019 18:19

Your family are behind you although they know he's not ready? Isn't that nice of them.

Also working from home and having a baby... you know you can't just leave it in a basket and take it for a walk twice a day don't you? Wink

ReginaGeorgeous · 08/04/2019 18:22

OP, aside from the obvious reasons as to why you shouldn't have a baby by somebody who doesn't want one, you're being incredibly naive if you think you can work from home productively with a child about.

Think about it; for the first year you could have a baby that never sleeps and you're so shattered you barely know your own name. Then you have a toddler. Toddlers have no sense of self preservation; they are into everything and you cannot take your eye off them for a second. Then you have a preschooler. Preschoolers talk and ask questions continually and you need to stop what you are doing every three minutes to get them a drink or snack, or to wipe their arse.

XXcstatic · 08/04/2019 18:24

So having a baby is the next step for me. We are a settled couple. I had my fun drunk times in university so I'm done with all that

Sorry OP, but I would have run screaming from any partner who said that to me in my early 20s. Your vision of your future sounds so dull: working from home and settling down from the age of 22, because you're done with fun Hmm. If that's really what you want, you need to find a bf who wants it too, because your current one doesn't.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Hollowvictory · 08/04/2019 18:25

You were with your bf throughout uni.

JenniferJareau · 08/04/2019 18:28

I always said by the time I was 21 I would have had a baby.

You are not on the same page. Find someone who wants the same as you do.

You sound like you don't care how you have a baby, you just want one.

duckduckgoose2 · 08/04/2019 18:35

I do know someone who got married in their early 20s and are still together n years later but it’s rare and for everyone like that I know more that split up when they were 40 as they married too young etc. The people that got married young and stayed together - it was what they both wholeheartedly wanted.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/04/2019 18:51

Id be telling my son to run for the hills so no wonder his mum is giving him advice. I'd also be advising him to take control of contraception himself.

It's all about you and you're wants. You've barely lived together and are still a student, you don't have the means to support one child let alone four Hmm

Jessgalinda · 08/04/2019 19:27

Which is it?

Going straight to work out of university.......or have your own business already on its feet and work for yourself?

You reference a job as well. Can you clarify your job is working in your own business?

For a start, trying to run a business and look after a baby, is near in impossible. You also wont get SMP. Only MAT allowance, if you are self employed.

His wage doesnt really matter, if you arent married, have a baby when he doesnt want one and end up splitting up.

You will get CMS and that's it, plus your income.

It doesnt matter if his mother is influencing him. He has made his decision and it's no better or worse than your decision or your families view.

If having a baby, younger worked out for your sister so well, why did you look after the baby for 6 months?

HeddaGarbled · 08/04/2019 19:42

You decided that you wanted to get married and have children by some random age you made up for spurious reasons.

You have found a candidate (victim?) who you intended would give you these things. He doesn’t want to.

He didn’t want to move in with you, he doesn’t want to marry you and he doesn’t want to have a baby.

I don’t think he has a problem with commitment. I think he has a problem with your selfish and domineering life plan and timetable. I suspect he’s a nice guy and does care about you, which is why he hasn’t dumped you yet.

If you don’t start regarding him as something other than the cardboard cut out husband and father in your fantasy life, he will dump you one day.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 08/04/2019 19:55

If having a baby, younger worked out for your sister so well, why did you look after the baby for 6 months?

Indeed, especially with all that other apparently supportive family around, why was it left to the young university student to do?

motherofdxughters · 08/04/2019 20:50

Do not, and I repeat do not, have a baby with this man until he is ready to commit to you. I'm talking not just a ring but a marriage. He doesn't seem to want to settle down with you and, I'm not being funny, but if he wants to, he'll ignore his mother and do as he pleases.

He. Doesn't. Want. To. Marry. You. Or. Have. A. Baby. With. You.

Yet is by the by. You want it now. He wants to wait. I suggest you break up and find someone on the same page. Your emotional abuse by hounding a man who has stated his preferences is all wrong and then to blame his mother who did things differently as the reason for his behaviour is simply abysmal.

He is a grown man. He knows his own mind. He doesn't want to settle down. Go find someone who does.

hidinginthenightgarden · 08/04/2019 21:01

I always said I would have kids young like my parents did. And I did just thta. AT the age of 26 I was married, nice house and two beautiful but bloody hard work kids. Everything I ever wanted.
I have spent the last couple of years wondering what next? Lif with kids is pretty monotonous. I wish I had had some fun first I really really do. It's not just the partying - its the everyday stuff like finishing work and going for a drink on the way home intsead of trying to get to the nursery before I get fined for being late! Having a lie in on a saturday morning and watching adult shit on the TV instead of getting up at half passed fucking 5 and watching peppa fucking pig and some shit on youtube until 8pm and then being so bloody exhausting you go to bed yourself.
I am only 29 - I wish I had lived.

helpmum2003 · 08/04/2019 21:09

You and your bf want different things. You either need to split up or stop hassling him. It would be disastrous to have a baby in this relationship currently.

JenniferJareau · 09/04/2019 06:36

Has the OP left us?

Jessgalinda · 09/04/2019 07:25

Has the OP left us?

Probably expected a forum with loads of mums to tell her to get pregnant 'by accident'or how to convince him to get pregnant.

She clearly didnt expect any of us to live in the real world or be so much more mature than her

RedHeadC · 09/04/2019 09:18

Hi yes I did delete my profile and spent most of the nights upset and wondering what I said that came across so wrong to get hounded like that.
I never said I was going to have a baby without him fully wanting it.
I want to have a baby with the man I really love when he's ready for one.
What I came onto this forum for was more sort of advise on how to squish this baby fever I've got not abuse on how immature and nasty I am.
I understand to some I may well have come across completely different to what I meant to.
Yes he didn't want to move in with me at first but now he says it's the best thing he's ever done but that's a different situation to marriage and a baby. I wouldn't push him with those cause they're his choice.
I don't pester him that much about a baby and I'm trying to stop bringing it up so I'm not pestering him.
For some of you to say he should dump me or take charge of my contraception, I already said that I don't want an 'accident' because I would never want to put him in that position . I'm not that type of girl. I couldn't lie to him. And for some of you to say I'm just looking for someone to impregnate me.... that hurt. I don't want a baby just to have a baby I want a baby with the man I love and to start a family with him
I really didn't expect this backlash and I thought women were meant to support each other not hound each other.
I really dont understand how my post could have come accross like i expected you to tell me to just get pregnant or how to pressure him. Thats not what i wanted. I wanted advise on how to squish my baby fever and perhaps just advice on how to handle waiting because I really do want to be with him and I'm willing to wait as long as I can just for him. This was my first ever post so it may not have come across how I meant to. I'm not used to writing this stuff down or telling people.
All I wanted was a little advise.

I'm truly upset that I've come accross as someone who just wants to be impregnated.
There's nothing wrong with wanting a family young. Everyone does it differently.
I'm so sorry if I've offended anyone.
Sorry. I won't be posting again.

Jessgalinda · 09/04/2019 09:26

What I came onto this forum for was more sort of advise on how to squish this baby fever

That's not what you said. You moaned about how he wont change his kind and it's all his mothers faults how you family support you and ot worked out for all them, except your sister whose baby you had to look after for 6 months.....for no apparent reason.

Women do not support other women, purely because they are women. Theres no rule on that.

You came across badly because you seek so convinced you are right. You didnt see his point at all and kept banging about how great your family were and how their way of doing things is the right way

Trying to change this to 'I want to know how to overcome baby fever' is just an attempt at manipulating

BlackPrism · 09/04/2019 09:27

Sorry but I agree with your boyfriend, you don't know how work will go yet and you should have savings and a couple of years good working experience before TTC. Just my opinion.
But, I also understand your desire. At the same time you can't force or trick him as that isn't fair so your options are:

  1. wait and try to persuade him to have one a couple of years earlier
  2. leave him and find someone else to have a baby with.

Those are the only ethical choices.

RedHeadC · 09/04/2019 09:32

I'm not trying to mani0ulate I genuinely was just wanting some advise on how to fix my baby problem. Like I said I've never done anything like this before. I did explain that he wanted to wait u I'm he was 30 and how I didn't but I wasnt saying I'm going to get myself pregnant anyways.

I'm sorry I didn't make it clear I was looking for advise for me to stop all this but I've never written a post before and kind of presumed that's were my post would lead the reader to think.

Rumbletum2 · 09/04/2019 09:33

If he were my son I’d be advising him to finish with you. You clearly want a baby far more than you want him to be happy 🤷‍♀️

SoHotADragonRetired · 09/04/2019 09:35

We've told you how to fix your baby problem though. Concentrate on other things like graduating and working. Or break up because currently your goals seem incompatible.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 09/04/2019 09:38

No-one suggested he should take control of your contraception, they said he should take control of his contraception. (Which means abstinence, vasectomy or condoms)

OP I’m afraid it really did come across as though you were asking for help to persuade him to have a baby. There is nothing at all in your first posts asking how to stop feeling like you do. It was all about how financially stable you are, how your family are fully supportive and how you have cared for a baby already. Your OP was basically a pitch.

motherofdxughters · 09/04/2019 09:45

I agree with the other players, OP. Nowhere in your OP did you say you wanted advice on dealing with baby fever for a few years. You blamed his mother, stated your family were amazing and it was all very you you you.

Women support women. Women can support women while calling them out.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/04/2019 09:46

I always said by the time I was 21 I would have had a baby and I don't want a baby just to have a baby I want a baby with the man I love

Those two statements don't go together.

It's all about you, there's nothing about him and what he wants.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 09/04/2019 09:48

OP support doesn’t mean smiling and nodding when someone is talking about doing something that is a bad idea. Support sometimes means telling them what they need to hear rather than What they want to hear. And that goes for men or women.