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Original poster

I want a baby but my boyfriend wants to wait

135 replies

WelshFarmGirl · 08/04/2019 16:37

Hi, I'm not really used to posting this stuff so please bear with me.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years this year. We moved in together at the start of this year after a long battle to get him out of his mother's house. We are not engaged (even though he knows I want to be) but that's another story. We are 22 and 25 which I know is young.

Okay, so my parents were young when they had my older sister (they were 21) and had me at 25. My sister had her baby at 21 and my aunts/uncles/cousins have all started families young. I always said by the time I was 21 I would have had a baby. I understood that university needed to come first so i concentrated on that and am graduating this July and going to work straight out of university. My job means I am able to work from home. So having a baby is the next step for me. We are a settled couple. I had my fun drunk times in university so I'm done with all that.

My boyfriend on the other hand wants to wait. He's slow with commitment and doesn't want children until he's 30. I don't want to wait until I'm 27 to start my family. His mother had him at 35 so she convinces him waiting is better. He was an only child so it's not like she had to factor in more than one pregnancy. I would like 4 children if I am able to carry and have children. And so I'd want to start trying soon because I don't want them all close together.

I know I sound really needy and I do keep on at him about it a lot but I just don't know what to do. I really can't stop thinking about having a baby. I am on the pill and taking regularly (I don't want to fall pregnant accidentally in case he thinks I've done it on purpose). His mother does make comments on how I'm planning to trap him with a baby but if I wanted to trap him I would be done it 4 years ago! But every month I hope he'll say okay let's try.
What should I do?
Please help!

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 08/04/2019 16:42

He sounds sensible to me.

What would be your plan for working and paying for childcare? Since you’re not married continuing to work full time would be a good idea.

Given your ages and that you’re not married the odds of a break up would be much more than 50%. Many fathers don’t pay maintenance or co parent.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 08/04/2019 16:42

You don’t do anything. You wait until he’s ready unless you want to try and force fatherhood on him.

Your parents situation is influencing your thoughts just as his parents influence his. Neither is wrong. Personally i think it’s mad to have a baby before 25.

Nicknacky · 08/04/2019 16:42

You need to respect what he is saying and wait. Honestly, there is no rush.

You can’t force him into having a baby before he is ready. Stop going on about it and enjoy being a couple for now.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Loopytiles · 08/04/2019 16:43

If you want to be married and he doesn’t, you could either continue living together or move out. I did that in a relationship at a similar age (I had wanted DC in my mid 20s). We broke up because he didn’t want what I wanted: fair enough!

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/04/2019 16:43

You don’t want a baby with someone who have to go on at to get them to agree.

27 is plenty young enough to start having a family.

You’ve invested time and money in your education, enjoy the fruits of your labour and get your career established first.

You haven’t lived together very long. His mum sounds like a nightmare. A commitment phobe might not be who you want to have your children with.

You’ve got so much time ahead of you. Take a deep breath, focus on graduating and your new job. Stop panicking

TheCrowFromBelow · 08/04/2019 16:45

You two are not on the same page at all.
You want to be engaged, he doesn’t. You want a baby, he doesn’t.
It doesn’t even sound like he was that keen on moving in with you.
He’s been really clear about it, as have you, so unless one of you is going to compromise then maybe you should call it a day with him and try meet someone who shares your life goals?
It would have driven me mad if I’d said to DP I don’t want a child until I’m 30 and he asked me every single month whether I still felt the same.

LittleChristmasMouse · 08/04/2019 16:47

Neither of you are wrong (though I do think 22 is young) you just want different things.

Guess you need to work out what your priorities are - staying with this man and work to his timescales, or leaving and meeting someone else.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 08/04/2019 16:50

Ok so you had to drag him out of his mums house and he refuses to even get engaged to you, let alone marry you and yet you’re surprised he won’t make the biggest commitment of his life to either you or a child? If someone won’t commit to marrying you (a lesser commitment than having a child), then certainly don’t have a child with them. You’re leaving yourself very vulnerable by having a child with someone who is reluctant to do it and isn’t married to you.

OP he doesn’t want a child. You can’t do anything. You either accept it or leave and find someone who will impregnate you.

FWIW I think vowing to have a child by age 21 is bonkers and indicative of how incredibly immature you are. You certainly aren’t ready to have a child. I speak as someone who had a baby in my teens.

Andylion · 08/04/2019 16:51

We moved in together at the start of this year after a long battle to get him out of his mother's house

Did he not want to move out of his mother's house?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 08/04/2019 16:51

We are not engaged (even though he knows I want to be) but that's another story.

It’s really not, it’s all part of the same story and he is sending you very clear messages.

Gabrielknight · 08/04/2019 16:53

I agree with previous posters. Different pages entirely. Either wait for him...or leave and move on

Mumberjack · 08/04/2019 16:53

Sounds like your DP doesn’t know what he actually wants and is relying on his DM to tell him. On that basis alone he is too young. You may be ready now but he definitely isn’t.

Happyspud · 08/04/2019 16:55

I think you’ve a lot more growing up to do.

You have nothing in place beyond wanting a child. You don’t just want a child and then have one. You want a child, build a strong relationship with someone else who wants a child, try to have finances and emotional stability for that child in place and then carefully bring them into your family.

You have an unwilling boyfriend. Definitely definitely not even the basic starting point for considering a child. But people do it all the time and it’s your life.

Floralnomad · 08/04/2019 16:58

my job means I am able to work from home , it is not working from home if you are at the same time looking after a baby or indeed any child that actually needs looking after . If this man doesn’t want the same things as you , and it sounds like he does not then you need to have that conversation with him and see if it’s time for you both to move on . Frankly he sounds much more sensible than you .

ILoveMaxiBondi · 08/04/2019 17:01

No you definitely can’t work from home if you’re also providing childcare. Most WFH jobs won’t allow that. Unless you’re a childminder.

Jolonglegs · 08/04/2019 17:02

Doesn't there come a time when a boyfriend becomes a partner. The fact that he's still a boy friend tells me that you are both not ready to settle down to a serious relationship. Take your time: creating another human being is one of the most serious acts you can engage in, so don't do it until you are both ready.

SayNoToCarrots · 08/04/2019 17:05

at all the people saying he sounds so sensible. He sounds exactly the sort who'll keep you dangling til 30 and then say no anyway.

Original poster

WelshFarmGirl · 08/04/2019 17:05

I appreciate that some think I am incredibly immature. I have finances behind me and have my business already on its feet. I cared for my niece for over 6 months of her life (3-9months of age) and am prepared for a baby. We have our house, our finances, my job. Hes on a very stable an good wage. His mother is the driving force between him being a commitment fobe. She convinces him moving out was expensive and a wedding is expensive ECT. My family are wholly behind us if we should want a baby.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 08/04/2019 17:07

His wage isn’t relevant if you break up. How much does your business make and how many hours a week do you work?

V few women in their early 20s can afford a baby.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 08/04/2019 17:10

Why is his family wrong and yours right? Because they reflect what you want and his doesn’t?

He’s not ready.

ButtMuncher · 08/04/2019 17:11

Well, moving out and weddings can both be expensive. They don't need to be however.

I agree with previous posters here. Feeling ready and being ready are two different things, and unsurprisingly, your young boyfriend isn't ready. It sounds like he wasn't ready to move out, much less get married and have a baby. And you have to respect that, as difficult as that may feel or seem. Neither of you are wrong or right in how you feel, it might just be that you are on different pages at a very landmark time in your lives.

If you wait until he's 30, you'll still be very young - with a career established, money in the bank and memories of a life together before children. If you were to do it now, you've only lived together a short time, he's clearly not keen on the idea and it could end up breaking you apart if you keep pushing the idea.

Ultimately if you are convinced you need to have children sooner rather than later, you may have to face up to the fact this relationship isn't the right one. But I suspect you will find plenty of men of a similar age will be on the same page as your boyfriend.

Nicknacky · 08/04/2019 17:11

So you will be even more financially ready in a few years and he will be ready then. There is no rush.

OllyBJolly · 08/04/2019 17:14

His mother is the driving force between him being a commitment fobe

If he's not adult enough to make his own decisions he's not ready to be a parent. And why are you laying the blame at the mother's door?

No way should you be bringing a baby into such an unstable relationship. Yes you have the material things - finance, house, jobs - but you are not in a strong, mutually supportive relationship.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 08/04/2019 17:16

I cared for my niece for over 6 months of her life (3-9months of age) and am prepared for a baby.

You need to stop thinking of this as having a baby and rather what it actually is which is raising a child, then teenager, then young adult. Having a baby is never about having a baby, it’s about creating a whole life for someone else and the situation you choose to bring them into impacts their entire life and how that pans out. Both of the people responsible for creating that life should be wholly enthusiastic and excited about that prospect. You don’t have someone who is enthusiastic and excited about that so you absolutely shouldn’t do it. And pestering/whining certainly isn’t the way to get someone excited about it.

His mother is the driving force between him being a commitment fobe. She convinces him moving out was expensive and a wedding is expensive ECT.

You’ve fallen into the trap of excusing him for his own choices and placing the blame on his mother instead. I understand why, you love him and don’t want to accept that these are actually his own thoughts. This is also Something he is probably very happy to let you do because it takes your frustration off him and onto someone else. But he is 25, his choices are entirely his own. You need to see that. He is telling you what he wants, he didn’t want to live with you, he doesn’t want to marry you and he doesn’t want to have a child with you. Listen before you waste your child bearing years on someone who isn’t at all interested in committing to you.

SunshineCake · 08/04/2019 17:16

Do you want a baby or do you want his baby?

Sounds like he's listening more to what his mum thinks he should want rather than making his mind up.

My mother got pregnant to keep my dad. Didn't work. I ended up with no parents. Be mature and either wait for him if you know he genuinely wants a baby at some point or accept he doesn't want what you want and split.

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