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Original poster

dh doesn't want me to take this job as he doesn't want to be a sahd

109 replies

itsamazing · 08/04/2019 10:08

Basically dh earns an ok average wage. I have always been in low paid and pt nmw type jobs which has been fine and I gave up working after having dc to be at home as working wouldn't be viable. The money I warned wouldn't even cover childcare. Youngest is 1. I saw a trainee job which I really really want and sort of just applied thinking I wouldn't get it. But I've been offered it to my surprise and I'm really happy.

Dh was supportive of me applying etc but now that I've actually been offered it I feel he's not as supportive anymore. It would mean he would need to be a sahd for around 18m to 2yrs whilst I train up. After which I could work pt and baby would be at nursery so childcare wouldn't be sorted and dh could go back to working ft.

After a few years of working once qualified and experienced I would be earning just under dh's current salary. So to me it's just a struggle for us as a family financially for a couple of years (which is very doable) whilst training but in the long term I think it will benefit us as a family.

DH doesn't want to even work pt which I've also suggested. I don't know what to do and feel really upset. I feel this is my only chance to have a career which I never really managed to do. These jobs don't come up often and I worry that I would resent dh as thus affect our relationship negatively in the long term.

Also to add- dh is fed up of his work at the moment and is currently looking for other jobs. So I thought it would be good to leave at this point for him anyway.

Has anyone been through anything similar?

OP posts:
Original poster
itsamazing · 08/04/2019 10:10

Ugh. Sorry for all those typos! I hope it makes sense.

OP posts:
Phillipa12 · 08/04/2019 10:13

I would point out that they are his children too and why does childcare automatically default to you. The least he could do is go part time esp if in the long run you as a family are going to be better off financially. In short hes being a dick!

juneau · 08/04/2019 10:15

Would paying for childcare be an option? After all, is he's a SAHD then you're losing his wage anyway, so what's the real difference if he's working and bringing in money, but it's being paid out for childcare? If it's the only thing that will allow you to take this opportunity then it's worth considering all the options.

TowelNumber42 · 08/04/2019 10:15

Why would it mean him becoming a SAHD?

SarahAndQuack · 08/04/2019 10:17

I think it's out of line for him to support you in applying and then reverse his position. I would feel very hurt by the implication that he didn't think you'd get the job/didn't think the time and effort you spent applying was important enough to respect.

That said, I'm not clear why the children couldn't go into nursery and have both of you work?

I think I would feel nervous about giving up a well-paid job with the promise that my partner would stand to earn slightly less after training. I could understand it if you were set to earn as much as him (or more) right now, but won't this be quite precarious financially? What if he comes back in 18 months and can't get a job again?

CabbageLeaf · 08/04/2019 10:17

I think it's fair enough he doesn't want to be a SAHD, but he really should be okay with going part time. It's an investment into the future of your family and he should make sacrifices for that too! Especially as it's only for a relatively short space of time!

WinterHeatWave · 08/04/2019 10:18

What do the finances look like for DH to work, you to train, and baby go to a childminder or nursery?

GreenTulips · 08/04/2019 10:19

Look at childcare options.

Childminders etc and you may get some help with costs

GregoryPeckingDuck · 08/04/2019 10:19

If you will be earning less than him anyway then it doesn’t make sense to compromise his career for the sake of yours. Can’t you use the money you earn from this to pay for childcare?

Hercules12 · 08/04/2019 10:21

why does one of you have to be at home? surely in the long term it's better for you both to work.

AuntMarch · 08/04/2019 10:23

How will household costs be covered if you are in a trainee position and that's the only income?
How many DC? Childminder rates seem to be about £5per hour per child so if just the youngest, it might make sense for DH to work school hours and then collect any older DC?
I know you say he doesn't even want to go PT, but if you have a few examples of how things could work in reality if he
A) stays full time and you train
B) goes PT and you train
C) SAH and you train

Don't entertain option D), where you don't train, unless after proper discussions as a partnership, you come to realise it can't work.

Beargrin · 08/04/2019 10:23

Did he know when you were training that this would mean he would have to be a SAHD or work part time? I think it's fair enough that he doesn't want to be a SAHD, I wouldn't want to be a SAHM - I would find it really difficult.
I think you need to come up with a different plan, maybe look into childcare options?

Beargrin · 08/04/2019 10:24

Can you get childcare support, there are a few different government schemes that can sometimes help?

blueskiesovertheforest · 08/04/2019 10:24

I it's fine he doesn't want to be a sahd just as it should have been fine, and still is, if you don't want to be a sahm.

Surely he can continue working and you can use childcare though. Even if he's "working for nothing" because all his salary goes on childcare that's legitimate if he doesn't want to sah.

However he absolutely must take as much responsibility for childcare as you do while your training - equally sharing taking off children's sick days, doing pick up and drop off etc.

As your career's taken a hit it's not unfair to expect him only to consider family friendly jobs when he searches for a new job, given especially that he wants to change job anyway.

Nicknacky · 08/04/2019 10:24

I don’t think expecting him to give up work is a solution, I think you need to look at childcare options.

I wouldn’t want to give up work just because my partner wanted me to.

Hearhere · 08/04/2019 10:25

He doesn't want you to get ahead of him to have more status and to do better in life so he's doing everything he can to Sabotage you

desparate4sleep · 08/04/2019 10:25

it doesn't make sense for him to quit for you to train up to something that would earn you less money. DP should stay in work, you take the job and pay for childcare. Yes, this will mean working for no money for a while but would pay off in the long run.

TowelNumber42 · 08/04/2019 10:26

Neither DH nor I would ever ask the other to become a SAHP. It's not what either of us want for ourselves. This has changed career options for both of us.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 08/04/2019 10:27

I would look at childcare rather than force a reluctant SAHP situation. That will breed massive resentment.

Megan2018 · 08/04/2019 10:27

YABU to expect your partner to give up work if he doesn't want to.
I'd not give up my job for DH - but I'd support him to find another solution to enable us both to have what we want..
Take the job and get childcare. Plenty of people do this at a financial loss for a few years for the long term gain.

Hearhere · 08/04/2019 10:31

He supported you applying for the job because he thought you would apply and not get the job therefore the experience of applying would be a negative thing for you, make you feel like you couldn't get a good job, and that would serve him because it keeps your down, keeps you oppressed.
He was happy for you to enter the race because he was confident you would lose, I thought you would be demoralised and that would put you off of it a trying again therefore he be safe in the top position as head of the household the person with the best job who earns the best money

Unfortunately for him you won, you got the gig, so he's got his foot on your neck, he's not going to give an inch, he won't go part-time, he doesn't want you stealing his crown

MyKingdomForBrie · 08/04/2019 10:33

The only thing that actually makes sense is childcare. Silly for your dh to not work.

Nicknacky · 08/04/2019 10:34

hear You are being ridiculous and really unfair to the op’s husband.

Alb1 · 08/04/2019 10:37

You just need to sort childcare, youl get tax credits or universal credit, or tax free childcare to help out. My part time job doesn’t leave us with more money, it basically just covers the childcare, if I didn’t work and the kids stayed at home we wouldn’t be better or worse off financially, so it’s just a life choice to work and not really make any money from it. I do it for future prospects (it could be harder for your DH to find work again after taking a career break), and because I don’t want to be a SAHM, my husband supports that because we are a partnership, just as your should support your husbands wishes.

Palominoo · 08/04/2019 10:38

Choose your marriage or your job training/job if he won’t give up his job in order to look after the children if that is what you are saying.

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