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Original poster

dh doesn't want me to take this job as he doesn't want to be a sahd

109 replies

itsamazing · 08/04/2019 10:08

Basically dh earns an ok average wage. I have always been in low paid and pt nmw type jobs which has been fine and I gave up working after having dc to be at home as working wouldn't be viable. The money I warned wouldn't even cover childcare. Youngest is 1. I saw a trainee job which I really really want and sort of just applied thinking I wouldn't get it. But I've been offered it to my surprise and I'm really happy.

Dh was supportive of me applying etc but now that I've actually been offered it I feel he's not as supportive anymore. It would mean he would need to be a sahd for around 18m to 2yrs whilst I train up. After which I could work pt and baby would be at nursery so childcare wouldn't be sorted and dh could go back to working ft.

After a few years of working once qualified and experienced I would be earning just under dh's current salary. So to me it's just a struggle for us as a family financially for a couple of years (which is very doable) whilst training but in the long term I think it will benefit us as a family.

DH doesn't want to even work pt which I've also suggested. I don't know what to do and feel really upset. I feel this is my only chance to have a career which I never really managed to do. These jobs don't come up often and I worry that I would resent dh as thus affect our relationship negatively in the long term.

Also to add- dh is fed up of his work at the moment and is currently looking for other jobs. So I thought it would be good to leave at this point for him anyway.

Has anyone been through anything similar?

OP posts:
FraAngelico · 08/04/2019 11:48

Not “one of us” will be around. “You” will be around. He feels strongly about it, as long as that person is you.

Hard to avoid this conclusion.

PurpleDaisies · 08/04/2019 11:49

Plenty of parents make it work. No need for him to be a stay at home dad.

DistanceCall · 08/04/2019 11:55

The reason why we want a sahp is because we've always said for when the kids are round one of us would always be around.

I'm sorry, but that's absurd. After a certain age, your children will be in nursery and/or school. Is one of you supposed to stay at home all that time just so "you are always around"?

It's not bad for children if their parents work. It's bad for children if they feel unloved and that their parents don't care about them. You are with your children in the evening during the week, and the weekend is the time to spend quality family time together.

My mother was a SAHM for a long time and resented it hugely. I wish she had gone back to work much sooner. Happier parents make for happier children.

eddielizzard · 08/04/2019 11:56

You've got to do your best to make this work. Everything is a compromise, and in the past it's always been the woman - compromising career, job choices, staying at home - to facilitate the family. It's time for both parents to make compromises for the long term good of the family IMO. Surely PT for a couple of years for your DH isn't the end of the world?

howabout · 08/04/2019 12:06

I a SAHM of 20 years standing. Given the changes in the expectations that both parents are working and the move to 30 hours nursery / childcare for 3 year olds and tax incentives I would be sorting out childcare in your shoes.

The quicker you make the jump and establish yourself in your new career the easier it will be to build in flexibility later (highly desirable for the volatile teen years)

SVRT19674 · 08/04/2019 12:09

I don't want to be a SAHM and neither does my husband a SAHD. Why should we? so we pay for childcare. End of.

Kaykay06 · 08/04/2019 12:14

It’s nice to be home for your kids, but this will be at your expense if you don’t take up this training opportunity. There are ways of being flexible so one of you can pick kids up a day a week or work 4 days or whatever.

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you were expected just to give up your job so your husband could take up an opportunity & you didn’t want to be a sahp. It’s a choice and some of us enjoy being at home full time with kids and make it work and some of us like to work and try and get a balance. You and your dh qre equals in your marriage and parenting so you need to decide what is most important to you and both do equal amounts work/childcare etc so you can achieve your training and your kids are happy and cared for.

formerbabe · 08/04/2019 12:18

So confused.

What's the point of him giving up his job so you can train for 2 years to earn less than he does now?!

Confused

That's madness. What would you live on?

mushroom3 · 08/04/2019 12:31

As anyone above, I would suggest the childcare route, also as your children are young, does his employer/your training contract offer some flexibility eg early start and early finish once or twice a week?

InDubiousBattle · 08/04/2019 12:32

Me too former. I just don't see how you can afford to do this as a a family. First scenario, you take the trainee job, your dh becomes a SAHD, how can a family of 5 live on a trainee salary? Second scenario, you take on the job and pay for childcare, you said your wages will cover the youngest at a small loss (is that your trainee wages?), so out of your dh's average salary which you presumably live on now, you would have to fund the loss on your baby's childcare plus wrap around for the older two. Can you afford that out of your dh's wages?
I think you need to wait until your youngest qualifies for funded hours.

fruitbrewhaha · 08/04/2019 12:40

I'm another who can't see how you have worked this out OP.

If your trainee salary is less than fulltime childcare cost, how couldyou live of that much if your DH gave up working.

Take the job and sort out childcare. See if there's any flexibility for your DH to finish in time for school pick up one day a week. See if there are any other families you could share some of the mornings with. There a some ways of saving on childcare.

slug · 08/04/2019 13:01

Do you have daughters? What message are you giving them by denying yourself your dream of financial independence and a fulfilling career in the face of a man's opposition?

Look at this as an opportunity.

An opportunity to have some financial security if your DH loses his job.

An opportunity for your children to start taking responsibility for more of their own needs e.g. learning how to cook and taking care of their laundry.

An opportunity for the two of you to reset the household dynamics and make the burden of housework more equitable.
An opportunity for your children to learn what an equitable household looks like and what the role of a modern woman is.

GreenTulips · 08/04/2019 13:06

I think you need to give it a try - see if it works

You need to discuss with DH how he intends to step up and help out if he’s not wanting to be home with the kids

The ‘we’ said one needs to be a home is fine when you first have them, then realise it’s actually hard work

SteveTheSpiderPlant · 08/04/2019 13:22

It seems crazy to me for your DH to become a stay at home dad given that it would take you years to reach his current earning.

Childcare is really the only option here. look into tax credits or tax free childcare and see if you qualify.

juneau · 08/04/2019 13:26

Yes, it will involve changes, compromises and juggling, but if it's what you really want then you'll have to make it work. As for the two of you agreeing that one of you would always be there for the kids - well it seems that you're the only one that actually meant that! Now that push has come to shove your DH has shown that he'd rather be at work. So if he'd rather be at work and you'd rather be studying then you'll have to figure something out.

Hollowvictory · 08/04/2019 13:31

Nobody should be forced to be a sahp. That way lies MH issues, depression etc. You both want to work so both should work. Pay for childcare. Also if even qualified you won't earn as much as he does now, it doesn't make sense for your family to take a big income cut.
You need to find a solution that works for you both. Which is likely to involve childcare. Yes its expensive. But so if your dh giving up work!

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 08/04/2019 13:41

This seems completely barmy op. Why on earth would dh give up a job so that you can have one that pays less than the one he's given up? It makes no sense at all.

How will you afford to live whilst you're training?

AWishForWingsThatWork · 08/04/2019 14:13

The reason why we want a sahp is because we've always said for when the kids are round one of us would always be around. I know it sounds silly for saying that but that's how we personally feel about it. But I guess in the long run its something that we would need to sacrifice for our family.

And by we your DH means you.

TBF, financially, it doesn't sound like it makes sense for him to stop working for any length of time; your family can't afford that. But it does sound like it would make sense for you to retrain to do something that will pay more in the long term, as you've said. So he will need to do more of the 'home' and 'child' stuff to facilitate this, be it altering his hours, finding a different job himself, and/or paying towards childcare.

He doesn't want to be a SAHP. Great. Fine. Understandable. But he can't make you be one either so he doesn't have to give up things. He needs to find a way to work with you on furthering your own career prospects if that's feasible, for your sake and your family's. Especially important for you should your marriage break down someday...

SoyDora · 08/04/2019 14:20

How are you planning to afford to live while training if he gives up his job?

ChipsAreLife · 08/04/2019 14:45

Can I just ask you to explain a bit more about one of you being at home? What's the benefits to one of you starting at home and what are the benefits to both you working?

If you want to go get a career then go for it, I think it's unfair to deny your DH the same privilege and also I'm confused how you'll survive whilst you train?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/04/2019 14:51

Another poster here who is confused on the finances- how could you afford to live on a trainee salary but not afford childcare on two salaries ?

InDubiousBattle · 08/04/2019 15:00

You need to take your dh's salary now and see if you can live on it when you take away the shortfall for your youngest's childcare plus wrap around for your older two dc. If you can't then you'll have to wait until your youngest gets a bit older or look for another, better paid opportunity. It's all well and good saying childcare is a shared expense etc but if the household budget can't stretch to 3 sets of childcare then someone has to SAH and it just makes sense for it to be the lower earner.

Caterina99 · 08/04/2019 15:11

I’d take the job and pay for childcare personally. Your child is over 1. It’s very normal for toddlers to go to full time nursery or child minder

But make sure your DH is on board with the juggling that is going to ensue. It’s definitely not sensible for him to give up work if he doesn’t want to. SAHP is soul destroying enough when you chose it. If you felt that strongly about your children being in childcare then you wouldn’t have applied for this job.

Just make it clear that it will be hard now, but this is the best option as a family. In 2 years you’ll be on double the income with a big drop in childcare costs. He just has to do his part in the sick days and holiday care and PE kits and all that stuff you presumably do as a sahm

ItWasHim · 08/04/2019 15:19

But the intention is for you both to work in 2 years time - so what's the difference between you both working now?

SleepingStandingUp · 08/04/2019 15:22

Say for example your trainee salary is 15k, he earns 20k, your eventual salary would be 19 k and chidlcare is 1 k more than your salary pa after tax.

If you can afford to live on just your 15 k whilst you train, you can afford to pay for the childcare essentially from his salary so you'll still have all your salary and a hit left over from his.

Now obvs childcare is a shared expense but I'm terms of worth it, it works.

Plus you only qualify got 30 free hours if you both work so that's another saving down the line.

He wants to work. He's entitled to that choice.

So are you.