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Original poster

dh doesn't want me to take this job as he doesn't want to be a sahd

109 replies

itsamazing · 08/04/2019 10:08

Basically dh earns an ok average wage. I have always been in low paid and pt nmw type jobs which has been fine and I gave up working after having dc to be at home as working wouldn't be viable. The money I warned wouldn't even cover childcare. Youngest is 1. I saw a trainee job which I really really want and sort of just applied thinking I wouldn't get it. But I've been offered it to my surprise and I'm really happy.

Dh was supportive of me applying etc but now that I've actually been offered it I feel he's not as supportive anymore. It would mean he would need to be a sahd for around 18m to 2yrs whilst I train up. After which I could work pt and baby would be at nursery so childcare wouldn't be sorted and dh could go back to working ft.

After a few years of working once qualified and experienced I would be earning just under dh's current salary. So to me it's just a struggle for us as a family financially for a couple of years (which is very doable) whilst training but in the long term I think it will benefit us as a family.

DH doesn't want to even work pt which I've also suggested. I don't know what to do and feel really upset. I feel this is my only chance to have a career which I never really managed to do. These jobs don't come up often and I worry that I would resent dh as thus affect our relationship negatively in the long term.

Also to add- dh is fed up of his work at the moment and is currently looking for other jobs. So I thought it would be good to leave at this point for him anyway.

Has anyone been through anything similar?

OP posts:
Hearhere · 08/04/2019 10:38

I may be guilty of a certain amount of hyperbole
I mean no offence and I apologise for any that is caused 🙏

AnotherEmma · 08/04/2019 10:38

Why on earth does he have to stop paid work and become a SAHD?
Just use childcare like every other working parent!
You might be entitled to help with childcare costs via universal credit and if not you can sign up for tax-free childcare.
Congratulations on the job by the way! You should definitely take it.

Alb1 · 08/04/2019 10:39

hear you are basically just trolling the OP, unless you no the OP and her husband you are really jus being dramatic for the sake of winding the OP up. How could you possibly no that he’s emotionally abusive? What a rediculous suggestion.

Alb1 · 08/04/2019 10:40

Cross post with hear, atleast you didn’t mean to come across that way!

Hearhere · 08/04/2019 10:42

Namaste everyone I mean no offence 🙏
(I think I'm trying to take a sort of devil's advocate role here)

angstridden2 · 08/04/2019 10:42

Blimey Hearhere, that’s a bit of a stretch....some projection going on? Maybe she applied without thinking the practicalities through, maybe they just need to talk about the best way for both of them. Certainly losing an income sounds dodgy, but perhaps childcare costs are unaffordable. They’ll find a way through if they discuss it.

eddielizzard · 08/04/2019 10:43

Well you must absolutely take that job. No question about it.

But if your DH doesn't want to be a SAHD then it would be a mistake to ask him to. What about a compromise? You need to work together to find a solution here. But you absolutely must take that job.

SoyDora · 08/04/2019 10:44

Childminder? Nursery?

Hearhere · 08/04/2019 10:44

But does my point really not stand at all?
why would he be supportive of her applying for the job but then change his tune when she got it?

SoyDora · 08/04/2019 10:44

I don’t think anyone should have to become a SAHP against their will, male or female.

ScatteredMama82 · 08/04/2019 10:45

I don't understand why he has to be a SAHD, but is it not very risky to propose that he leaves a secure job and income while you are a 'trainee'? What if your traineeship doesn't work out, you can't assume he can just walk straight back into work. How will you cope without his salary? I suspect he wants to support you but not at the expense of financial security for the whole family.

BertrandRussell · 08/04/2019 10:45

Did you discuss how it would work before you applied for the job?

MaybeitsMaybelline · 08/04/2019 10:46

I don’t get this, loads of people both work and the children go into childcare. All my wage went on childcare for years but I still worked because I was still getting NI and pension contributions and moving up the pay scale.

I also worked for my own sanity.

I can’t see why it has to be either, either or?

Nicknacky · 08/04/2019 10:47

hear There are other ways to be supportive rather than give up his own job or go part time.

He just doesn’t want to be a sahd which is perfectly ok.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/04/2019 10:48

Just book childcare. Sheer madness to expect him to quit work when he doesn't want too. You do realise that thousands and thousands of families have two working parents. Nobody needs a SAHP. It's also madness to give up a job that's pays more when there are children to support.

He will be putting himself at great risk, he will have no recent experience which will make finding a new job hard, if the relationship breaks down he cant support himself and if your training doesn't go to plan and they dismiss you you have no income as a family.

Very silly to apply for a job when you don't want to pay for childcare, expect another to quit work and have less household income. You have responsibilities which only your husband seems to realise hence he won't quit work.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/04/2019 10:50

Why can’t you get childcare? Both of you want to work. I think it’s unfair to expect him to stop working especially when right now his wage is higher. It’s said to be easier to get a job when you’re in a job.

Alb1 · 08/04/2019 10:53

hear the obviously didn’t properly discuss it, maybe he didn’t realise her getting it would mean she’d expect him to give up his career instantly? Maybe they both just didn’t consider the childcare implications and so supported her without thinking it all through. He could have thought she wouldn’t get it, but she wanted to give it a go anyway knowing herself she probably wouldn’t get it so why wouldn’t you support that? It’s all irrelevant really, they just need to figure out how to make it work now.

ltk · 08/04/2019 10:53

Take the training post. That comes first. It is not just an investment in your family, it is an investment in YOU that will benefit you for your whole life. And you absolutely need and deserve that. It will also benefit your dc, even if it means more time in childcare.

Pay for childcare if necessary, even if it costs well more than you bring in. The key word is investment.

You matter. Your future matters. Your stability, your financial independence, your sense of accomplishment, your enjoyment of a working life. Compromise on how it will be accomplished, but don't compromise on that training.

FraAngelico · 08/04/2019 10:55

I would look at childcare rather than force a reluctant SAHP situation.

Absolutely. But the childcare is a shared responsibility (and a shared financial commitment) -- not just yours to research and fund.

No one should have to be a SAHP if they don't want to. Personally, I would never consider it, even if I were working for £2 an hour, and DH was on a six-figure salary. Both of us have always worked, and used childcare.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 08/04/2019 10:55

Unless childcare is more than he is earning then it doesn't make financial sense for him to stop work to look after the kids. Unless you don't want them in childcare for some reason, which may be perfectly valid but you haven't said.

FraAngelico · 08/04/2019 10:56

Pay for childcare if necessary, even if it costs well more than you bring in. The key word is investment.

And this, absolutely.

Eliza9919 · 08/04/2019 10:56

Imagine if this was a man posting saying that they wanted their wife to be a SAHM because it suited them. That's not on. Same goes here. You both need to pay for childcare if you are going to accept the position.

And I don't see how he can't be on board with that. Same way he doesn't want to be a SAHP, neither do you.

BrokenWing · 08/04/2019 11:00

If you can afford to live on your trainee wages dhs wages can pay for childcare for the 18 months keeping his job secure. Anything else is too risky.

MotherWol · 08/04/2019 11:02

Look into whether you'd be eligible for any help with the cost of childcare - tax credits, tax free childcare vouchers etc. Personally, if it meant the first 12 months were tight, but once your youngest is 2 you got 15 hours, increasing to 30, by which time you'd be trained in a job with good prospects, I'd say that's worth it. As you've said, opportunities like this don't come along very often, and provided you can keep a roof over your heads, you can cope with a financially tight year.

If he doesn't want to be a SAHD he doesn't have to be, and your children deserve better than to be at home with someone who doesn't want to be there. But equally, you have a responsibility to your children to be able to provide a stable future for them, and part of that is being able to earn a living. If your DH was no longer able to provide for you, you'd need an income, and this is a good opportunity for you to get that.

Hearhere · 08/04/2019 11:02

I think we need to know whether the husband is happy about the idea of his wages being used to pay for childcare