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Original poster

dh doesn't want me to take this job as he doesn't want to be a sahd

109 replies

itsamazing · 08/04/2019 10:08

Basically dh earns an ok average wage. I have always been in low paid and pt nmw type jobs which has been fine and I gave up working after having dc to be at home as working wouldn't be viable. The money I warned wouldn't even cover childcare. Youngest is 1. I saw a trainee job which I really really want and sort of just applied thinking I wouldn't get it. But I've been offered it to my surprise and I'm really happy.

Dh was supportive of me applying etc but now that I've actually been offered it I feel he's not as supportive anymore. It would mean he would need to be a sahd for around 18m to 2yrs whilst I train up. After which I could work pt and baby would be at nursery so childcare wouldn't be sorted and dh could go back to working ft.

After a few years of working once qualified and experienced I would be earning just under dh's current salary. So to me it's just a struggle for us as a family financially for a couple of years (which is very doable) whilst training but in the long term I think it will benefit us as a family.

DH doesn't want to even work pt which I've also suggested. I don't know what to do and feel really upset. I feel this is my only chance to have a career which I never really managed to do. These jobs don't come up often and I worry that I would resent dh as thus affect our relationship negatively in the long term.

Also to add- dh is fed up of his work at the moment and is currently looking for other jobs. So I thought it would be good to leave at this point for him anyway.

Has anyone been through anything similar?

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 08/04/2019 11:03

hear His wages?!

What exactly is your issue here?

Hearhere · 08/04/2019 11:04

My reading of the situation is that the OP has an opportunity to invest in herself and her earning potential, her partners instinctive response is to try and block her

SoyDora · 08/04/2019 11:05

I think we need to know whether the husband is happy about the idea of his wages being used to pay for childcare

If he’s not, he probably shouldn’t have had children. He knew they would need looking after.

SoHotADragonRetired · 08/04/2019 11:06

HINBU to not want to be a SAHP. I wouldn't either, for anyone. Being a SAHP is a serious proposition with lifelong financial implications potentially.

It also seems frankly bonkers for him to give up work and impair his long term salary potential significantly so that in 2 years you can make... less than he does now.

If you are going to retrain you need to find a way to juggle your training, his work and childcare like everyone else.

Nicknacky · 08/04/2019 11:07

He isn’t blocking her at all. He just doesn’t want to give us his job and that’s completely understandable.

InDubiousBattle · 08/04/2019 11:09

Can you clarify the situation op? You go to train, why does that mean your dh has to give up work for the 2 years?

Alb1 · 08/04/2019 11:09

It’s just the way you are interperating it hear she hasn’t said he’s saying she can’t take the job, or should be a stay at home mum. He’s saying he doesn’t want to give up working full time. Which he really doesn’t have to, if he earns over minimum wage he can use the wage he would be giving up to cover the childcare instead. OP obviously doesn’t want to spend money on childcare, and it may be that her DH doesn’t either. But it sounds like to get what they both want they will have to.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 08/04/2019 11:11

I'm a bit confused. Genuinely, not disingenuously.

At the moment you have his salary, X.

No childcare.

If you started training you would receive Y.

So as a family you now have X+Y.

How much would childcare be? Assuming that is Y is enough to live on it is enough to pay childcare while you live off X? Or is there not enough surplus in X to make up any difference? I don't understand how you could afford to live off a trainee wage alone, but not live and pay childcare when you both earn.

I think you would be unreasonable to expect him/anyone to give up work. But you absolutely should find a way of doing this.

SoupDragon · 08/04/2019 11:18

Has he actually said you shouldn't take the job?

I don't know what to do

You both look at childcare options, like many families do.

BrokenWing · 08/04/2019 11:19

I think we need to know whether the husband is happy about the idea of his wages being used to pay for childcare

While it is his wages, there would be his and her wages in the family pot. I was meaning his wages should be enough to cover childcare if her's can suppor them as a family. Obviously they would need to discuss and agree.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 08/04/2019 11:20

If I’m reading the OP properly even when qualified and has been working for a few years OP won’t even be earning what her DP currently earns so it is absolute madness to sacrifice his income for several years for this training opportunity. His salary is the main income. You don’t sacrifice that for something that won’t even be as much as it!

OllyBJolly · 08/04/2019 11:20

He doesn't want you to get ahead of him to have more status and to do better in life so he's doing everything he can to Sabotage you

Bit of a leap there! No one should agree to being a SAHP without a lot of thought and financial planning. Surely paid childcare is the answer here?

LittleChristmasMouse · 08/04/2019 11:22

OP your position doesn't seem to make much sense financially.

You want your husband to give up his job while you train. Yet you say once qualified and with few years experience you will earn just under what your husband currently earns. So, in 5 years time (2 years training + 3 years experience) you will earn less than your husband currently earns. This is without considering the drop in income while you are training.

There are no guarantees that if your husband leaves now that he will get another job when he tries to go back and not all jobs let you work PT so that may not be an option for him now.

Your plan therefore appears to be to make your family financially less well off for at least the next 5 years and there are no guarantees that your training will be successful or that you will get a job at the end of it?

I can see why your husband is reluctant.

Together you need to figure out a way for you to do the training that doesn't involve your husband leaving his job.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 08/04/2019 11:23

My reading of the situation is that the OP has an opportunity to invest in herself and her earning potential, her partners instinctive response is to try and block her

I kind of agree with this based on the way OP has presented what has happened: she has a fantastic opportunity that will benefit her and her family longterm, but it means some short term sacrifices for everyone ... and her DH doesn't want to play ball.

That is how it comes across. I hope I'm wrong. But he needs to help OP ... HIS FAMILY ... find a way to make this work for the long term gains. Be it him taking some time off from work, going part time himself, switching jobs and hours entirely to cover it, or paying for childcare while the OP trains so she can bring in a higher salary after the training is complete in six months. They need to sort this together, and that means DH may have to do something he doesn't want to in the short term so they all benefit in the long term.

sackrifice · 08/04/2019 11:27

I think we need to know whether the husband is happy about the idea of his wages being used to pay for childcare

Oh my. Can't make hubby unhappy now can we?

sackrifice · 08/04/2019 11:29

Seriously though OP, just get childcare.

Original poster

itsamazing · 08/04/2019 11:31

Thanks everyone. He isn't been abusive/ trying to block me etc. He genuinely doesn't think it's a good idea for all the reasons pp have mentioned on the thread - will he be able to find a similarly paid job being out of a job so long and also he's not keen on being a sahp. He's always worked and thinks he won't like which as you have all said is totally acceptable. I think it's the massive change that would happen if we were both to work that's sort off put him off. I never even thought about childcare etc at all when applying as I just did on a let me see what happens kind of a thing.

Juggling 3 kids/ school drop offs / clubs etc . Up until now i do everything. I guess a new change in life scares people.

The reason why we want a sahp is because we've always said for when the kids are round one of us would always be around. I know it sounds silly for saying that but that's how we personally feel about it. But I guess in the long run its something that we would need to sacrifice for our family.

Chilcare cost for youngest would be covered by my wages with a little bit of a loss. I'd have to work out older dc wraparound care which would be separate. We have lots to think about. I'm just worried we won't be able to make this work.

OP posts:

LittleChristmasMouse · 08/04/2019 11:34

while the OP trains so she can bring in a higher salary after the training is complete in six months.

The OP says that the training is 2 years plus a few years experience to end up earning what her husband currently earns which OP describes as " an ok average wage".

It sounds like the OP wants to put the family into a very precarious financial position and understandably her husband is worried.

Annasgirl · 08/04/2019 11:36

Loads of people manage to work with 3 children - really of you planned on being a SAHM for years why were you applying for jobs???? And if you plan on working, well, go ahead and find childcare.

Is there no one who could be a childminder for all 3 kids? Loads of mums at my kids school work full time and they all manage with either childminders (for the ones with young children) or after school care for the others with older kids.

The only way this will work is if the 2 of you work out how to manage childcare - and BTW your wages are not for childcare, you both made the kids, you both want to work, you both pay half of childcare.

Alb1 · 08/04/2019 11:38

Go on the gov childcare calculator, it sounds like tax free childcare could be a good option for you. I agree it’s scary but that doesn’t always mean bad! Accept the position and then set some time aside with DH to discuss how childcare will work together, once you have taken control of the situation together it will feel easier.

sackrifice · 08/04/2019 11:40

But I guess in the long run its something that we would need to sacrifice for our family.

Or you could just, you know, get a childminder like all the other millions of parents.

RomanyQueen1 · 08/04/2019 11:42

I don't think somebody should be made to be a sahp, whether male or female.
We chose a sahm because it was right for us.
We did go into it with an open mind though and at any time one of us could change our mind and the other be ok with it.
imo being a sahp is something you must really want to do, it's a full time job, for your family and children don't need to feel like an inconvenience standing in your way.

Yabbers · 08/04/2019 11:45

You’ll need to return to work at some point. If this opportunity is one you really want, you should go for it.

If DH thinks it’s too much of a change, just point out to him how much you have had to change your life since you had kids so if something impacts on him, that’s just what has to happen.

He doesn’t need to be a SAHD, you just need to arrange childcare.

FraAngelico · 08/04/2019 11:47

I think it's the massive change that would happen if we were both to work that's sort off put him off.

Juggling 3 kids/ school drop offs / clubs etc . Up until now i do everything. I guess a new change in life scares people.

Do you see the link between those two quotations? Up till now, having children has had no impact on his working life because you've done all the drops offs etc. When you work too, this will change. His life is going to get a lot harder. Which is, of course, no reason not to do it.

And all that 'we personally feel that the children should have a SAHP' only works as long as one of you actually wants to be that SAHP. Neither of you does, so you need to rethink.

Yabbers · 08/04/2019 11:47

The reason why we want a sahp is because we've always said for when the kids are round one of us would always be around. I know it sounds silly for saying that but that's how we personally feel about it.
Not “one of us” will be around. “You” will be around. He feels strongly about it, as long as that person is you.

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