dh doesn't want me to take this job as he doesn't want to be a sahd

[itsamazing]

Basically dh earns an ok average wage. I have always been in low paid and pt nmw type jobs which has been fine and I gave up working after having dc to be at home as working wouldn't be viable. The money I warned wouldn't even cover childcare. Youngest is 1. I saw a trainee job which I really really want and sort of just applied thinking I wouldn't get it. But I've been offered it to my surprise and I'm really happy.

Dh was supportive of me applying etc but now that I've actually been offered it I feel he's not as supportive anymore. It would mean he would need to be a sahd for around 18m to 2yrs whilst I train up. After which I could work pt and baby would be at nursery so childcare wouldn't be sorted and dh could go back to working ft.

After a few years of working once qualified and experienced I would be earning just under dh's current salary. So to me it's just a struggle for us as a family financially for a couple of years (which is very doable) whilst training but in the long term I think it will benefit us as a family.

DH doesn't want to even work pt which I've also suggested. I don't know what to do and feel really upset. I feel this is my only chance to have a career which I never really managed to do. These jobs don't come up often and I worry that I would resent dh as thus affect our relationship negatively in the long term.

Also to add- dh is fed up of his work at the moment and is currently looking for other jobs. So I thought it would be good to leave at this point for him anyway.

Has anyone been through anything similar?

It really isn't that much of a dilemma. This situation is faced by many many couples. Woman stays at home with children, couple having agreed they both like this approach. After a while the woman decides that being SAHM is no longer what she wants. Woman goes back to work. Children have childcare. Life is more awkward for the man because he has to negotiate pick ups, drop offs, late working etc. Everyone is frazzled half to death at first. Then it settles down and everyone is happy with the new normal.

The transition is hard. Finding the right childcare is difficult and time-consuming but once you've got the right setting you'll be glad of it. His transition to having to plan and compromise will be annoying for him, which is fine. Feel free to sympathise and moan together as people who are in it together (be sure to never act like this is you doing something to him/the family, no guilt, no blame, it just is what it is).

It'll be fine. You know you'll be happier. Happy working parents and 2-3 hours after school at a childminder are far better for children than grumpy resentful parents present for an extra 2-3 hours after school.

It'll be fine. You've always got MN for advice when you are confused about your options.

This thread would flow better if you came back and engaged with some of the points raised Op

I think the 2 of you need to hammer out how this could work with the option of your DH going a bit PT. I think that's the best chance you've got of reaching a compromise - maybe he has Fridays off for a couple of years and DC are in childcare M-Th. I hear you saying he doesn't like that option but it is better for the DC than you both working FT if your ideal is having a SAHP, and I think a SAHP is a luxury you can't afford while training. If your trainee salary doesn't even cover childcare, how would all 4 of you live on it if your DP gave up his income?

I think you're going to have to make your peace with using childcare if you are going to accept the training role, I'm afraid. Whether your DH goes PT or stays FT is a separate conversation.

Not “one of us” will be around. “You” will be around. He feels strongly about it, as long as that person is you.

This.

So you have to decide if you like the 1950s model of a family or not. Lots of children thrive in childcare. Lots of children don't with an unwilling, unhappy SAHP.

Up until now I do everything

Oh well, that's it then isn't it? He'd rather it stayed that way and not have to do any of it himself.

I do think it's a little unfair to accuse the husband of basically forbidding OP to work.

It sounds like financially OPs idea for her to be a trainee and her husband to give up work just isn't viable.

I don't see her husband not wanting to risk the financial security of the family as him being controlling. If anything it sounds like the OP has gone off half cocked and applied for this job without considering the practicalities.

Don’t miss out on this opportunity. Both WoH and pay for childcare.

“we've always said for when the kids are round one of us would always be around”.

This wish needs to be weighed against other factors, notably the family’s finances and each parent’s personal finances and economic independence, in the medium to long term as well as the short term.

I’m a sahm to an 18m old (and a 3 year old). I don’t see how it would be more beneficial than a nursery or childminder for your toddler if your DH doesn’t WANT to be a sahd.

I chose this life and it’s still boring and unfulfilling and frustrating sometimes. If your DH isn’t fully on board then I doubt he’s going to make every day a wonderful experience for a preschooler.

Not to say he would neglect your child, but is it really better to be at home with an unhappy parent v in childcare with fulfilled parents?