Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Working mums - how do you deal with the ‘you never get those years back’ comments?

144 replies

AprilSpring · 04/04/2019 16:51

So mums who do paid work as well as their mum job how to you cope with the head tilts and comments like
“They are only little once”
“And you’ll never get that time with your little ones again”
“The money isn’t everything you know”

Ive recently returned to work, so far so good on the major juggling act that has ensued. I’ve only been back a couple of weeks but I think someone has said something along those lines everyday!
I’m youngish for the position I’m in (but also had my first child in my 30s) so the women who are making these comments generally have grown up children.

I just smile and say ‘oh I know’ but today it’s unnerved me.

OP posts:

Clutterfreeintraining · 06/04/2019 21:02

I hear it a lot (I'm a childminder) and am constantly defending my childminded children's mothers and their choice to go to work.
I frequently trot out the line that small children are quite fickle and as long as they have someone to feed, change and cuddle them, they don't really mind who it is.

Theredjellybean · 06/04/2019 21:08

I used to say to all comments like "their only little for a short time" or "you won't get these years back"... With a firm snooty "thank fuck for that, I hate this stage"

That stopped everyone in their tracks

abracadabraba · 06/04/2019 22:05

Look them straight in the eye and say 'being honest I'm not mad keen on the little fuckers'.

Don't crack a light, don't back down, just smile sweetly. Walk away when appropriate.

Get your kids and cuddle them up knowing that while you would love to spend all your time with them you are a wonderful role model and provider.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Xenadog · 06/04/2019 22:51

OP, I honesty don’t know how you stop saying Fuck Off to to the dimwits when they say this.

Maybe the best response is, “I don’t recall asking for your opinion on how I should raise my child.” And then just stare the fuckers down.

My DD is now 5 and thriving at school mainly because she went to nursery early (so no separation anxiety like I have seen with. Number of friends’ and family’s children) and learned not to wholly rely on me. Whilst staying at home works for many parents for just as many others it is just not practical or desirable.

Other people’s opinions really don’t matter.

thewinkingprawn · 06/04/2019 22:58

I love ‘thank fuck for that, I hate this stage’ from a PP. That genuinely made me laugh.

Youngandfree · 06/04/2019 23:13

I spent 5 years at home and suffered silently with PND (I think because of it) I felt like there was something wrong with me for not enjoying spending every.waking(and sleeping)moment.with my DC. I had a huge personality shift (which is still there at times 😢) and didn’t enjoy them (my children) at all... the second I went back to work it all changed (mostly) so....clearly staying at home is not always the best for your children. I am very open about my sahm experience, motherhood can be so lonely sometimes.

floribunda18 · 07/04/2019 05:12

Mine are 14 and 10 years old and I do not miss them being little!

RainbowWaffles · 07/04/2019 06:48

It’s ridculous and as pp have said I doubt men are ever questioned in this way. The one thing I find so strange about having children is how everyone has an opinion on everything that I do with them from how I feed them to how they are taken care of. Pre children all these people didn’t offer a never ending stream of life advice. I suppose it’s because most people have children so it’s a common ground. Our children all mean so much to us and we all desperately want to be sure we are doing our best for them so it makes us a bit defensive of our own choices and thus critical of others. With parenthood there is no review mechanism to reassure us we are doing the right thing so mostly this is borne out of insecurity or anxiety. It would be great if women could just support each other but sadly most people aren’t secure enough for that.

We are all different with unique children and circumstances so make choices that suit our own families. Sometimes the choices aren’t even really choices but driven by necessity. You can’t really compare. Some people are natural stay at home parents, some find it boring or can’t cope, some people can’t afford to return to work, some people hate work, whatever... I don’t know why it is so hard for a lot of people to understand that we are all different.

DailyMailSucksWails · 07/04/2019 10:08

I bluntly tell people that I "went back to work so I could see less of my children." Quite open about that.

icannotremember · 07/04/2019 10:16

I say "it's nice to have a roof over our heads and food to eat and clothes to wear". I go to work because we need the money. Anyone who struggles to understand that must be rather dim.

BWatchWatcher · 07/04/2019 10:20

You don’t get those years back.
My kids are older now and I am sad that I wasn’t there for them more when they were very small.
On the other hand, they would have been sadder if we’d been homeless and had parents bickering about money.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 07/04/2019 11:43

I'd be just as rude back and state that children need good role models and it's a basic to financially support a child and then ask if they feel showing their child it's ok not to work and let others pay the financial support for that choice? Maybe they won't ask again in future then. If married point out to them they should ne asking their husbands the same question.

BalloonDinosaur · 07/04/2019 14:53

I work full time, DP works part time and looks after DS the rest.

I never had those particular comments, to be honest, although someone once said, on hearing our plans,
"Ooh aren't you modern?!"
To which I replied, "No, not really, I earn more, and love my job, DP hates work"

Maybe I have missed things, but as a PP said, that can happen when you nip to the shop. And I'm sure my DS would rather be able to eat/have clothes/toys than have me at home with him 24/7

rockingthelook · 07/04/2019 18:46

When other people pay my bills, then they have the right to comment, until then, they can mind their own business

RainbowWaffles · 08/04/2019 13:46

I thought of this thread when I read this article in the FT. It’s subscription only so I have attached a screen shot rather than a link. The thrust is that men increasingly feel like they are missing out by spending so much time at work and want to spend more time with their children. Obviously men aren’t getting asked why they don’t spend more time with their children as per the thread, but they are demonstrating more and more that they want to. It’s certainly the tide turning in the right direction. It does, however, also say that many men aren’t taking up paternity leave for fear or being passed over for promotion or not taken seriously etc. at work. So the burden often continues to fall on the mother. This issue needs to be addressed for real equality gains to be made.

Working mums - how do you deal with the ‘you never get those years back’ comments?

BlingLoving · 08/04/2019 14:02

Even if you are only back at work because of the money, I don't like it when women feel they have to justify the decision as being purely financial because it suggests that yes, it would be better for the children if mum was at home and this is just a sacrifice they all have to make.

DH was a SAHD. I had a lot of people asking how he felt about that and whether I felt I was missing out. Depending on the person and the tone, my response varied from, "it's funny how no one asks a man how his wife feels about being a sahm" or similar to "I love my job and am good at it while earning good money and DH hated his job so this made sense to us". I did also regularly also point out that DH was much much better at dealing with the children when they were tiny. He was (is) always happy to play endless games with octonauts figures or repeat the game where they jump out at him and he pretends to be scared 5000 times in a row.... And I think that's true for a lot of parents (male and female) and why nursery/childminder/nanny can work so well for them.

DD has a nanny one day a week. For various reasons, they often stay home the whole day but DD is absolutely shattered by the end of it. Because basically there's interactive play the whole day. It cracks me up every single week that she can be more tired from a quiet day at home than if we've spent a day out doing a million things.

RomanyQueen1 · 08/04/2019 14:14

This is what I say when people ask me why I didn't work post dc.
I don't offer it if not asked and wouldn't judge anyone else for what they have to do to raise their dc.
I think fair enough if you ask, I'm not going to lie about my feelings or opinions.

Original poster

AprilSpring · 08/04/2019 18:54

RainbowWaffles thank you for the screen shot, interesting to hear the other side of the coin. It’s one I can identify with as my DH would say exactly the same.

I’m a bit more reflective about it all after a weekend to cool off. That and two tired happy dc after a day at the childminders together. I suspect these comments are made with good intention, just the wrong tone and definitely wrong timing!

My workplace can’t be all bad as one of my seniors gave me what I’m now calling the alternative welcome back, which involved acknowledging the difficult decision and complex emotions returning after mat leave presents but in the same breath welcoming me back and cracking on with work.
Maybe she’s a mumsnetter.......

OP posts:

CostanzaG · 08/04/2019 19:38

This ^^

So many people ( usually women) told me how dreadful it was that I'd had to come back to work full-time. It wasn't dreadful and I didn't have to. I chose to because I love my job and had plans for progression. I'm not ashamed of that.
My DS has a mum who is happy and has been promoted into a role that offers soooo much flexibility that I never miss a school event and can often be there for pick up.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6