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Original poster

Working mums - how do you deal with the ‘you never get those years back’ comments?

144 replies

AprilSpring · 04/04/2019 16:51

So mums who do paid work as well as their mum job how to you cope with the head tilts and comments like
“They are only little once”
“And you’ll never get that time with your little ones again”
“The money isn’t everything you know”

Ive recently returned to work, so far so good on the major juggling act that has ensued. I’ve only been back a couple of weeks but I think someone has said something along those lines everyday!
I’m youngish for the position I’m in (but also had my first child in my 30s) so the women who are making these comments generally have grown up children.

I just smile and say ‘oh I know’ but today it’s unnerved me.

OP posts:
DelurkingAJ · 04/04/2019 18:59

I have smiled and said ‘we’ve decided that’s a reasonable question the day my DH gets asked it’. Or, ‘we discussed DH staying home but he didn’t want to.’ (This is true).

AJPTaylor · 04/04/2019 19:01

I genuinely could say " I find staying at home 12 hours a day with small children incredibly boring. Maybe you have forgotten that."

SimonJT · 04/04/2019 19:03

I don’t get it which sadly isn’t surprising, instead I get “why doesn’t his mum look after him?” if I have to take time off for appointments or if he is ill. An ‘innocent’ “what mum?” normally makes them suitably uncomfortable.

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Families
CrunchyCrumpet · 04/04/2019 19:12

I've had from a male colleague that I shouldn't be at work as children need their Mother when they're small. His wife is just about to have their third child and will be quitting work to look after them, I pointed out to him that we wouldn't be able to afford to live unless I worked, he said well you make sacrifices so the wife can stay at home to look after the children. I've also said I'd have gone crazy at home, his response is that the child's needs should come first. Honestly he had something to come back to everything, one day I'll stump the fucker!

HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame · 04/04/2019 19:21

I’ve done both and everyone’s got an opinion. You do what works for your family and just tell the detractors to fuck off, even if it’s just in your head.

MuchTooTired · 04/04/2019 19:22

I’m currently a sahm, but have had comments from (generally) older people saying that it’s good I’m staying at home and they don’t understand why women have children if they’re only going to go back to work. I tend to reply that I’d love to go back, but the childcare for twins wouldn’t make it worthwhile which shuts them up.

I don’t actually think my staying at home with them will make any difference to them at all. As soon as I get the 30 hours free I’m going to go back, because I think it’s important for them to see me working, and it’ll bring in some extra money.

TowelNumber42 · 04/04/2019 19:29

I find a laughter and "what an odd thing to say to me" tends to shut it down. Most people spout stuff like that without thinking and back track pretty bloody quickly with that response, at which point I brush it off and talk about work or her dodgy knee or what her children are doing now or whatever. Persistent ones get the "You wouldn't say that to Bob."

Jessgalinda · 04/04/2019 19:36

Honestly he had something to come back to everything, one day I'll stump the fucker!

Ask him

'Wonder how you will feel like that if she decides to divorce you and you end up having to give her the house, child support and maybe spousal support and a good chunk of your pension'

Or

'Are you saying dads arent arent as good as parents as mums'

Or

'How come your first ones didnt need your wife at home full time? Those ones not as important'

Or

'Shame you dont care about your kids enough to go part time and share care with your wife's

Or

'You not concerned the kids will be close to your wife, but not you'

Or

'Karen Matthew's was a sahm. Didnt really do her kids any good'

It really depends in how shitty you want to be.

AnemoneAnenome · 04/04/2019 20:03

Have to say I've only had this from the older generation. I don't have any smart comebacks, I just say everyone's in the same boat these days, a mortgage takes 2 salaries. I think I only had 1 friend who stayed home when my children were at preschool. Have met a few more SAHMs at th school gate since, but they're fairly unusual round here.

BikeRunSki · 04/04/2019 20:07

On the flip side, my male line manage has said whistfuly a few times that he would have loved the opportunity to have more time off with his dc when they were younger, and that women get a far better deal/expectations/acceptance of PT working. He actively encourages expectant dads in our team to take shared parental leave and consider PT work.

masktaster · 04/04/2019 20:17

I'm a SAHP - that's my choice, it's not for everyone, I don't care what other parents decide to do as long as it's in the best interests of their family.

What I do want to add to the thread, though, is that I am the 28 year old offspring of a single working mother. I was with childminders from fairly early infancy, then nursery, then school with wraparound care, school holiday clubs, the works. And do you know what? We have great shared memories. We are close as adults. I don't begrudge much of my childhood (parts, but doesn't everybody?)

They're still your children. They still come home every day, and love you unconditionally. As long as you can look back and say "I did my best for them" - whatever that means to you ! - you've done the right thing

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 04/04/2019 20:25

'Are you kidding? DD/DS is a fucking nightmare. I can't wait to get back to work after the weekend.'

You can guarantee she won't ever speak to you about it again....!

user1494050295 · 04/04/2019 20:30

I travel for work and am often asked by FEMALE colleagues/mums at the school gate - "who is looking after ...insert name...". My response is usually "who do you think...her father". We live together. It's actually quite insulting to my partner too as if he is not capable

Original poster
AprilSpring · 04/04/2019 21:20

masktaster thank you Flowers

OP posts:
bourbonbiccy · 04/04/2019 21:22

I just pity people who have to make such comments at women ,whatever their choice may be, it shows they are clearly unhappy in their own lives to try and bring others down.

It's also sad that it is usually women who question/bring down other women for their choices.

You have obviously done what you think is best for your child, end of discussion.

Sammysquiz · 05/04/2019 15:03

I would just say “excuse me?” in an outraged tone and stare at them while they squirm.

If it’s any consolation I gave up an amazing job to be a sahp and get all sorts of judgmental comments about that, always from other women. You just can’t win - people like justification that they themselves made the right decisions, so put down anyone who made an alternative choice.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/04/2019 15:05

I’ve worked all if my dd’s lives (except 9 months each may leave), and no one has ever said that too me

WhoKnewBeefStew · 06/04/2019 08:34

You can appeal under exceptional hardship, but you’ll need a solicitor etc which will start at £3500 at least.

You have to prove that your ban will impact people other than yourself. Such as an elderly parent who relies on you, a disabled husband or dc. If it impacts you then that doesn’t count. You might be able to prove that you can’t get to work, which means you lose your house, which means your dc are affected.

My ban was in Scotland and their exceptional hardship laws are different so I couldn’t appeal. You might have more joy if you live in England.

First things first, you need to enlist a good road traffic solicitor and they are not cheap

CostanzaG · 06/04/2019 08:38

As the question is generally aimed at me I ask them if they'd like to also ask that question to my husband who has also chosen to work full time.
That usually shuts them up!

Eateneasterchocsalready · 06/04/2019 08:45

Well I wouldn't be defensive because it's true! They have experience and it's true the baby years fly by. I got told the same thing ( I didn't work) and it's gone in s flash and I'm back at work now.

QuaintDuck · 06/04/2019 08:52

I get this all the time. From my mum, the men I work with but never other women at work.

Yesterday I was asked by a male "why is working so important to you"

Without giving him my life story I explained that I worked long & hard to get to where I am now and I wasn't going to give that up. My DH and I have equality in our marriage and now it's time for him to be a SAHP"

I wanted to scream COZ IM NOT A HANDMAIDEN!!!! But chose not to Wink

Jessgalinda · 06/04/2019 08:59

Well I wouldn't be defensive because it's true! They have experience and it's true the baby years fly by. I got told the same thing ( I didn't work) and it's gone in s flash and I'm back at work now.

Is it not true for men then? But, You are saying the baby years fly by wether you are at work or not....so?

As someone else said, yeah you dont get those years back. Years of pension payments, career progression etc.

Bloody good job I didnt miss out on those years. My exh became abusive after 15 years of marriage. Then attacked me. Having those years of career progression made it a lot easier to start again.

Tealtights · 06/04/2019 09:04

Am I the only one who think thank fuck it goes quickly?! Honestly give me school aged children over babies and toddlers any day.

Meandmetoo · 06/04/2019 09:10

I ask them what exactly do they mean by it, then watch em squirm!

hen10 · 06/04/2019 09:12

People used to say to me ‘don’t you worry you’ll miss her first steps?’

I've actually answered this with "Luckily, she's done loads of steps since then, some at the weekend, so no."

Such a shame that women comment on other women's choices. Doesn't seem to have moved on the in the last 20 years.