Working mums - how do you deal with the ‘you never get those years back’ comments?

[AprilSpring]

So mums who do paid work as well as their mum job how to you cope with the head tilts and comments like
“They are only little once”
“And you’ll never get that time with your little ones again”
“The money isn’t everything you know”

Ive recently returned to work, so far so good on the major juggling act that has ensued. I’ve only been back a couple of weeks but I think someone has said something along those lines everyday!
I’m youngish for the position I’m in (but also had my first child in my 30s) so the women who are making these comments generally have grown up children.

I just smile and say ‘oh I know’ but today it’s unnerved me.

I'd say that I'm very happy to delegate shitty nappies and potty training at this point while I get the joy of being the one they love to see come through the door. Our childminder/whatever is excellent and he/she absolutely loves going. It means I get less of the drudgery and more quality time.

“Would you say that to my husband/a man?”

That usually shuts them up.

I have a professional job. My husband works part-time. That was our decision as a couple. He supported me when I was a student. I regularly get,

“Aren’t you lucky your husband is prepared to stay at home?”

Me: “well I think he’s very lucky to have such a clever wife, who earns enough money he can”.

It’s always women who get this crap. No one judges a man if he works all hours. If he goes part-time/stays at home he is a saint!

You are a great mother. You do not have to justify your decision to or to not work.

It makes me appreciate them all the more on my days off.

I'd also say, if you feel like it, that 'I love my job and I feel it's important to see that women can have it all - it must have been harder in your generation (dirty dig) when you were forced to stay at home - it's wonderful how life has progressed don't you think?' Followed by your own innocent looking Bambi-eyed head tilt.

I nod very soberly and say "Yes. Yes, it is a massive sacrifice I'm making."

I NEVER say "But work is my respite, where I sit on my arse drinking tea and have uninterrupted conversations with adults, and I get paid for it, and I have no intention of giving that up, potentially making myself unemployable in the future, and ensuring I'm poor in old age." But I think it though.

“You never get those years back!”

“Yes, it must be awful to miss out on years of pension contributions, lose seniority and only realise afterwards that you’ve permanently damaged your future earning potential.”

I really wish women would support each other in their choices. You would never find a group of men arguing amongst each other like this. You’re all absolutely right I bet men don’t get asked this.

The thing about this is the children don't remember 'those years' and the years they can remember are going to be more pleasant if you are financially stable.

I flip ‘em the bird.

You’re all absolutely right I bet men don’t get asked this

But also it's never been a man that's comment on my employment status vs parental status either. I am sure some men do.

But I cant work out why women love to be so arsey about working mums. If you wanna stay at home and weigh up the pros and cons, do it. I'll do what I think is best for me and mine

Honestly OP, I took some time out after kids for various reasons and all I got told every day was ‘and do you know MARY, she had four and straight back to work, of course she’s very ambitious and committed to work’ . Or friends going ‘oh I couldn’t bear to be at home, I just find it so boring personally’ (oh what so I’m a boring old dullard then ) etc etc. You literally CANNOT WIN.

On a low salary you basically have no choice!

I told people I didn't want them back thank you very much.
Of course I love my children, but it was bloody hard work!

Jesus Christ even on this thread some fucker comes on to try and make you feel bad about your decision. Not helpful!!

I actually was up to various things on the at professionally, ie working for myself but keeping it quiet as wasn’t sure it would work out... so let people assume I was a sahm. I honestly couldn’t believe the comments, so bloody demoralising and depressing.

My analysis is people just want to bring you down.

I always get "don't you miss your DC when you're at work all the time??!" Often said to me in front of all my male colleagues who have children around the same age as mine. Sometimes I respond with:

"Yes, but if I don't work my child will starve. Unless you're prepared to give me a huge sum of money so I can get back to him?"

Or

"Nope"

Thanks all!

Going to practice my best lines and head tilts! Might launch into a long soliloquy on the struggle for work life balance, teaching my daughters by example vs being there to physically pick them up from school and how it takes a village (not just mum) to raise a child!

Dd1 came home the other day saying “so and so says childminders are strangers” pissed me right off that her friend is clearly parroting what one of her parents have said! Shall be avoiding that mum or dad from now on!

I just used to say that I wasn’t cut out for full tie looking-after- children, and found it really boring. I got some . After my second ML I went back because DH had been made redundant. Both responses put an end to further questioning.,

My standard responses are something like 'working isn't my first choice but then being homeless probably isn't my son's first choice either' if I'm feeling snappy, or 'God no, I come here to get some peace!' If I'm in a better mood.

I did once say, 'oh come on, you wouldn't ask Bob that' (Bob has a kid same age as my ds) which just got me funny looks and muttering.

I don't care. Generally there was a choice for me and I did spend 18 months at home....
My family could choose: happy working mum with all the ups and downs plus extra 💰💰💰 for things like holidays, gadgets and days out OR miserable SAHM with lots of time and some things just out of reach or on a tight budget.

(... And don't forget the kids are actually at nursery / school while you work. Learning valuable skills that you are not able to teach.)

Agree with Harumphharragh. You cannot win. If you weren’t working you’d get criticised for not being financially independent, or asked “but what do you DO all day??” (With head tilt).

Respond with a bored sounding “really?” or “it’s what works for my family”, then immeadiate subject change.

They are saying these things because they are insecure about their own choices. Absorb that, smile enigmatically, and walk away.

I've had the "money isn't everything you know" once. I said something along the lines of "I know! Unfortunately social services tend to frown a bit when you don't feed and shelter them though..."

oh no, I took guidance from your husband who he told me he didn't regret working whilst the kids were young at all!

Being at home was boring as fuck. I was delighted to go back to work and dc was delighted to be entertained and have company. Each to their own but not working was never a choice for my own sanity.