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Original poster

Working mums - how do you deal with the ‘you never get those years back’ comments?

144 replies

AprilSpring · 04/04/2019 16:51

So mums who do paid work as well as their mum job how to you cope with the head tilts and comments like
“They are only little once”
“And you’ll never get that time with your little ones again”
“The money isn’t everything you know”

Ive recently returned to work, so far so good on the major juggling act that has ensued. I’ve only been back a couple of weeks but I think someone has said something along those lines everyday!
I’m youngish for the position I’m in (but also had my first child in my 30s) so the women who are making these comments generally have grown up children.

I just smile and say ‘oh I know’ but today it’s unnerved me.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 04/04/2019 18:19

If anyone is rude enough to speak to you like that to you you should be as barbed as you like. So sexist

The only time I ever said similar was a dreadful couple I met at a wedding who had a baby the same age as me and banged on and on that I was setting a bad example for not going back to work, wasting my qualifications, unfair on my dh (I was at a wedding abroad on my own where I only knew the bride and was pregnant so feeling abit vulnerable anyway) They wouldn’t drop it despite me politely changing the topic several times. I put the reasoning for our decision to them. By the time I’d finished they both looked like they were going to cry. Live by the sword die by the sword.

Hollowvictory · 04/04/2019 18:23

A lot of shams aren't staying home by 'choice' as they make out. They have poor careers and don't earn enough to cover childcare costs so have no option.
Nobody has ever commented to me in this way though.

Charley50 · 04/04/2019 18:24

I don't think I ever got snidey comments like that tbh.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Dohangoversgetworseasyougetold · 04/04/2019 18:24

“Yes, it must be awful to miss out on years of pension contributions, lose seniority and only realise afterwards that you’ve permanently damaged your future earning potential.”

Yes, this is spot on. All my mother's friends were SAHMs because she didn't want to associate with bad mother who "dumped" their kids to go to work. Many of her friends are now either divorced and facing a bleak old age in poverty, or they're stuck forever with the bastard husbands they always talked about leaving but could never afford to. They'll never get back the years when they could have been making themselves financially secure.

Obviously, I don't mean that as an anti-SAHM comment. If it's the best choice for you and your family, then that's great and you should go for it. But for God's sake, women should plan for the future and think about how they'd cope financially in all the different possible scenarios, because gooey clichés about money not mattering aren't a good basis for making a decision.

MsTSwift · 04/04/2019 18:29

It cuts both ways women get shit whichever they choose don’t let this thread descend into sahm bashing

MsTSwift · 04/04/2019 18:30

All my sahm myself included are now back at work in interesting proper career jobs for most it’s a few years out

DieCryHate · 04/04/2019 18:31

I've uttered both "love doesn't pay my mortgage unfortunately" and when it was commented I hadn't left to go home yet (wasn't late), "he's lucky in that he has two parents to take care of him".

My sympathies, it's a big mental shift going back to work let alone dealing with the ridiculous comments about your personal situation.

JassyRadlett · 04/04/2019 18:32

‘Yes - your husband must struggle that you aren’t sharing that time with him. Doesn’t he resent you for it?’

IntentsandPorpoises · 04/04/2019 18:32

I'd say I won't miss them. I love my job and often spend weekends looking forward to returning to the serene calmness of the office, where I am accomplished and appreciated. Rather than doing the drudge work at home and dealing with the boredom and hard work of small children

IntentsandPorpoises · 04/04/2019 18:33

I have also said that me and my children get on better when we see each other in smaller, regular chunks of time.

Jessgalinda · 04/04/2019 18:36

It cuts both ways women get shit whichever they choose don’t let this thread descend into sahm bashing

It's not. Its judging women who feel the need to make others feel like shit so they can feel better about themselves.

All my sahm myself included are now back at work in interesting proper career jobs for most it’s a few years out

If only that was the case for most sahps.

lionelduty · 04/04/2019 18:37

Someone said on here once 'you don't get those years back from your career either' which is probably true! (I went back to work after dc1 but being a Sahm for a bit after dc2)

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 04/04/2019 18:38

Be a dick back (I've found it works in most situations)

" Oh god, who'd want these years back anyways? "
"Thank fuck for that, can't wait until she's 18"
" I like money, plus I can buy lots of toys so they leave me in peace for 10 bloody minutes"

From experience,people either are stunned into silence,giggle nervously but the majority will definitely stop commenting. They might also start avoiding you,but that wasn't an issue for me as I don't like people much anyway.Grin

Tealtights · 04/04/2019 18:38

I hate this and I'd be lying if it didn't make me question myself, BUT, I remind myself that I HATED being at home. Maternity leave was an absolute chore to me, for me it's quality over quantity and I am a better mother for the time I spend with them. I have written diary entries of how being at home feels, so I can remind myself if I ever question my judgement (which would be easy to do when older and in a different stage of life) that I wouldn't have been happy staying at home. And the children don't remember anyway before school! In terms of what I say, I just say I wasn't cut out to stay at home, I usually mention how my DH isn't asked that. But tbf, I've very rarely been asked it.

MsTSwift · 04/04/2019 18:38

Yeah I get that but some of the suggested retorts were pretty nasty to read

SeaViewBliss · 04/04/2019 18:40

I worked FT after having my first child. When I started ML with my 2nd child, I rocked up for the school run and one of my ‘friends’ said - oh great, you get to be a proper Mum like us now. I just stared at her until she felt so uncomfortable that she walked off.

Gottalovesummer · 04/04/2019 18:41

I work as a cm and all my kids, even the 2 year olds, understand that my job is to take care of them when their parent/s is/are at work.

I am proud to work and earn money to help pay the bills and for holidays/treats for my own children.

I am proud to support other parents to go to work, knowing their little ones are safe, happy and well cared for.

OP, keep on doing what's right for your family and those that criticise you and sod right off.

CatGoals · 04/04/2019 18:42

“Sadly that argument doesn’t wash with my bank manager; I’ve tried!”

helzapoppin2 · 04/04/2019 18:43

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t! I had all these comments when I went back to work after DS1, precisely 35 years ago, and no, I was not the only working mum. There were plenty of us.
I concluded that people were just trying to make conversation, but it didn’t come out right. In fact, I got the opposite, as soon as I’d given birth it would be “When are you going back to work?”

Littlechocola · 04/04/2019 18:43

If I didn’t have children I might not need to work as much as I do.
I work for my children.

Jessgalinda · 04/04/2019 18:43

Yeah I get that but some of the suggested retorts were pretty nasty to read

Well if you want to act like a twat, expect it back.

Not you personally, but I have no time or sympathy for people who try and make mothers feel like shit.

MadgeMidgerson · 04/04/2019 18:45

When my son was a year old I went back to work 4 full days a week out of 5. On my day off, he went to preschool as he did every day, only it was me who brought and collected him after a morning session instead of his childminder.

Last year when he was 8, he was startled to discover that I had never been a SAHM with him; he was under the impression that I had been.

Any qualms I might have had about working during his early years evaporated. He is a happy guy, I have a pension, out family is doing well. Live life as it suits you best

Momzilla82 · 04/04/2019 18:45

A pointed look at the nearest clock/ watch- with a comment along the lines of just checking that we'd not time travelled back to 1970s

Weebitawks · 04/04/2019 18:47

Well I don't know about you, but being able to live indoors and afford food helps me appreciate these years all the more.

Also, it's all very well, but kids are expensive. Especially when they want to start playing instruments / going on school trips / playing sport.

The whole family shouldn't have to suffer so you can feel better about yourself by going to bill Bob jingles or whatever the fuck it's called.

Original poster
AprilSpring · 04/04/2019 18:57

This thread is not intended to be a sahm vs working mums thing. Everyone makes choices that are based on so many reasons, neither right neither wrong. For many it seems there is no choice.
I just don’t understand why women feel the need to question my choice to work. Why can’t they just say, ‘great to have you back April would you like a coffee? Let me bring you up to speed with what happened while you were off, but first let’s see pictures of your gorgeous children?’

OP posts: