Working mums - how do you deal with the ‘you never get those years back’ comments?

[AprilSpring]

So mums who do paid work as well as their mum job how to you cope with the head tilts and comments like
“They are only little once”
“And you’ll never get that time with your little ones again”
“The money isn’t everything you know”

Ive recently returned to work, so far so good on the major juggling act that has ensued. I’ve only been back a couple of weeks but I think someone has said something along those lines everyday!
I’m youngish for the position I’m in (but also had my first child in my 30s) so the women who are making these comments generally have grown up children.

I just smile and say ‘oh I know’ but today it’s unnerved me.

I’ve been known to say ‘yes but my DC wouldn’t want to spend all day every day with me!!’.

Ummm....watching CBeebies all day vs friends and fun at nursery-my DD does way more cool stuff at nursery. I know my limits

I suspect that lots of the questioning is because people are insecure and uncertain what is best or right.

Isn’t the nuclear family with mummy at home with the kid she really a very recent concept? Although women in the past often remained in the home, the children were either farmed out to nannies if you were rich or left out in the streets/working if you were poor ( simplification)

Perhaps you could say that women are no longer allowed to bring their children to work so you have no choice?

I’ve only ever had pt/SAH women say smug, negative and unsupportive things about being a ft worker. So I pity them as victims of the Patriarchy who have swallowed the Kool Aid and feel threatened if anyone else appears to be managing children, job, partner and hobbies well.
I had no option, but when I’m in that situation, my default is to look for the positives and act on them. Worked for us.

I bet the kind of people who say this kind of thing would be the first to bad mouth me if I actually did stop working and went on universal credit. I can be a neglectful career mother or a benefit scrounger, no pleasing everyone.

My husband works in the construction industry so is regularly unemployed..
My girls have seen both parents work and stay at home at various times.
They see me as very happy in my job and very fulfilled in what I do.
They have seen their Dad support me to do extra study to get here.
I also have retirement savings and have experienced career progression as a result.
I think this is very valuable for them.

For some women it’s their vocation to stay with their young ones. For others it isn’t, for any number of reasons.
That women idly ask such questions says far more about them.
In my case it was my male boss reminding me that my son ‘only has one mother’. Yep, I know, I was there at the birth. Twit.

My response was I thought I'd be jolly glad of my pension as it would mean a much nicer deathbed.
I like that 😬
I’ve never been asked that, but I suppose I’d say I thank god daily that there are lovely people willing to work in nurseries for probably not very much and spend the entire day corralling 3 year olds.

I have replied before telling people that's it's also not nice to live on the streets!, I've also told people to mind there own business. My children are very well rounded and happy and I've always worked

I say yes I know they are only little once and I love spending time with them. I'm so lucky to be a mum and I'm so lucky to have such wonderful children. My family is the best thing that has happened to me.

That's what I say and I say it with pride as it's the truth.

And so what if I'm working! Better to be working and able to give my dc a good life than to be struggling with money. And believe me I know what that is like as I was on maternity leave/sahm and we were broke and it was miserable.

So much better now having a full and rewarding life, with a job I enjoy, ability to pay for top quality childcare and nursery for my school when I can't look after them and then to be able to spend money when we have family time and really enjoy ourselves.

Just say well I would rather be home but my child has taken a liking to something called FOOD ..

Wow, people actually say that shit? Luckily not had it said to me, but I do find the attitude annoying... parents today often spend more time with their kids even than when mums were usually at home because it's only recently we've become so kid-centric. Our grandmother's generation was too busy cleaning the house to spend every moment with kids and babies - kids would be shoved out 'to play' and babies left in their cot while mum was working because the house was a bigger priority than interaction with the kids. Unless mum was rich, in which case he staff brought the kids up! There was no golden age when parents were more attentive/available than they are now

Luckily people never say it to me at work - it's pretty normal to be a full-time working mother in my field - but I get it a lot outside work. I had the week off this week so met up with some mat leave friends (all still on mat leave except me) and got loads of it - I'm not seeing them again! But I know that's not a solution if you have to see these people every day. Hopefully the interest/comments will calm down once you've been back a bit longer?

I couldn’t care less what people think about my family circumstances.

My mum worked and was incredibly successful I was in complete awe of her and what a brilliant mind she had.
That influence did more good for me than her changing my nappies ever would have

Meh. People will judge you whatever you do. Believe me. I'm a sahm, by choice, and I get judgement from all sides. From setting a poor example to my daughters, to 'living the life of Riley at home while DH works hard'. Because it's so easy being at home full time with her a toddler and baby, I'm positively lazy Its true not complex in the way some/most paid work is, but it's not easy.

Do what works for your family and sod everyone else. Tell people to mind their own business. Thinking about it technically, you will never get those years back. It's true. And I'll never get those important career development years back. Also true. It's just the choices we make isn't it. And not for anyone else to comment on. Also assuming you see your children in mornings/evenings/weekends you aren't losing years!

“Thank God for that hey? Little children are just horrid little bastards aren’t they?”
“Would much rather spend that time doing something I actually like! tinkly laugh”
“No shit”
“Mmmm...”
“Money pays for the gin that makes my child tolerable.”

I know people who are suggesting OP makes a joke about how intolerable her child is are trying to be funny, but as a mum in the same situation (baby, newly back at work) the thought of making these jokes is actually a bit upsetting. I don't love or enjoy my child less than SAHMs and I don't want to play along with any idea that I do.

In my experience, you never get those years back in your career either.

@NewAccount270219 equally it's boring to hear how much I'm expected to want to be at home with my children when actually I find it hugely mentally draining and have never had any desire to be a SAHM, shock humour works better IME to make people back off, but the fact it isn't a joke to me means I am supposed to believe I'm less of a mother? Everyone (myself included) needs to stop being so bloody pathetic about it all and just own the decisions we make.

This used to grind my gears a lot. Went back to work full-time when DS1 was 6 months and DH went part-time for a while. Then I worked 4 days/weekfor ages, then back to full-time. I have a demanding job but never found it half as demanding as being at home with babies/toddlers. Horses for courses. That was our choice, it worked well for us but I’d never judge women who do it differently. IMO, snidy comments like this reveal a huge amount of insecurity in their own set-up. My kids benefited hugely from me maintaining my mental health and our financial stability by working. Fuck the naysayers. You know best what suits you and your family.

OP those type of comments are made by very privileged people who don't know any better. Money isn't everything, well no it isn't when you have a rich husband who brings home in excess of £100K a year. most of us have to work to keep a roof over our heads and eat. And prefer not to rely on a man, anyway.

As for they're only little once comments - thank goodness. How horrible it would be if we all stayed in the baby stage (except if we did, we wouldn't exist, but you know what I mean).

Dont bother with witty replies .

"I dont recall asking for your opinion"

That should do it .
Wtaf do women put up with all this constant questioning and comments about what they do?

I dunno. Some people are just rude and like to stir the pot, some just can't see past their own personal choices and experiences, some aren't actually commenting on your choices and are just musing on how fast it all goes and how short a time children are little for (true whether you work/l or are a sahp).

Everyone has an endless list of opinions about others and how they do things. With the ones that feel the need to voice it, at least you know what they are thinking and can avoid chatting with them in future!

For the unsolicited critiques and suggestions I'd go with an "okayyyy... thank you for sharing that with me" and a confused, pitying smile before moving away.

@teallights I absolutely think it's good and fine for you to say that you actually prefer working, it's not sheer necessity - the same is true of me, too, and I find it as annoying when people feel sorry for me that I 'have' to work full-time as when they criticise me for it. But not wanting to be a SAHM doesn't mean you dislike your children and I feel a bit uncomfortable about playing along with the idea it does, even jokingly. It's a bit like if someone made sexist comments in the workplace - getting in there first with jokes about how shit women are might well work in a shock factor way, but it feels like it's reinforcing a negative and unpleasant attitude. I think saying 'actually I think I'm a better and happier mother when I work outside the home' is different and much better than saying 'ha, it's because I hate my child and find them boring!'. I agree that ultimately the best option would be if no one criticised OP and so she needed no comeback at all, though!

Thing is I love my kids dearly and really love hanging out with them. They are great little people to be around. But I also like my job! And I like me being me at work.
I truly agonised about returning, we could have just about managed on my dh’s wage but we would have had to make some big lifestyle changes and well... I didn’t want to make those changes!

When the next person comments I think I’m going to go with something along the lines of it’s working for all of us at the moment, we are all happy, if that changes, dh and I will change things.
In all honesty it’ll be dh that changes his role at work, he doesn’t like his job, I like mine!