Things You Never Thought You'd Say Until You Had Kids [Edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

[WitheringEyeRoll]

Today's:

Do not poke me in the face with a chopstick

FFS Things, not Thinks bloody phone!!!!

Why is there poo on the floor!!!!

Potty training is going well 🙈

Get your bum out of his face, please.

Can't think of specifics, but DP and I have at least one chat about DS's bowel movements every other day 😂

And now "We Do Not Throw Water in the Living Room".

Don’t lick the bus

Cheese strings do not go up noses.

Stop eating that mouse.

I don’t want your privates in my face! You are too old to be walking around naked.

(Me sitting on the half landing stairs as DS aged 11 ‘streaked’ past - bollocks at my face height - to get his pyjamas from his room.)

Also "No you can't just wee in the garden" (toilet is 10ft away)

“Don’t clean your willy with your toothbrush” , followed 5 min later with...
“Don’t clean your brothers willy with your toothbrush either!”

We don’t lick the dog
No, the dog does not want your half chewed cucumber.
Please don’t sit on my neck

There are more, these are just today...

In Fairness Kipper, out dog def would want it

Our not out. I am not winning at this today.

Also

Yes you can have cakefor breakfast, it's the weekend

Hold it properly otherwise you will lose your marbles!
(Meant literally as he was holding a bucket with marbles in it)

Don’t touch your widge then put your hand in my face!!

withering our dog doesn’t do veg, he does eat anything else! He had the part chewed apple...

No Gangnam Styling at the table.

Everyone must wear pants at the table.

Don't eat the sofa.

Do not put your sausage in your slipper!

Take the red nose off your willy

To 5year old DS

the poo is blue! result of 1 year old eating a crayon.

Do not put jellybeans up your bum.

Did you just lick that telegraph pole?

Stop trying to hit your sister with your penis

No swords in the kitchen!

Why is there a buffalo in the fridge?

Chocolate sauce on pasta for dinner? No!