Things You Never Thought You'd Say Until You Had Kids [Edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

[WitheringEyeRoll]

Today's:

Do not poke me in the face with a chopstick

Don't kiss the cat on her eyeball. Yuk.

No bum crack talk, seriously stop talking about bum cracks!

...Just two from today...

Oh and a more vintage one - how long has the loom band been up your nose? (There was a trickle of blood at this point, teatime and it had been up there since early morning...

Why did you put the Lego man's head up your nose? (Dd, then 4)
Why did you swallow a magnet? (Different dd, age 16 last week)
Why did you not think to mention you'd swallowed a magnet until it wouldn't flush?

Her teachers tell me she's intelligent. I beg to differ some days!

Why did you give the dog a fringe? hmm

^^

Can I get some sleep please!

The shelf is not there for you to parkour on. After DS 6 ripped it out the wall trying to do a stunt jump froom his chair onto the shelf. Leaving a gaping hole.

Much as it is a skill son, dont mouth one thing while muttering something different thats not fair too daddy when he is deaf and relys on lipreading.

Dont make broken washing machine noise when I have just put a full load of washing in.

You haven't done your homework and I'll do it for you #don'tevergothere

Yes you can have a dog/hamster/petrat #dontevergothere

Yes of course you can go to a sleep-over and I'll collect you when you're having nightmares after watching something nasty and inappropriate and you then are too tired to do homework #bansleepovers

Bolognese is not finger food... to toddler ds.

Daily-"please stop strangling your brother" and often "please don't drown your brother ". This is said to my youngest son 🙈
Youngest son is autistic and very sensory, so licks bloody everything..."please stop trying to lick your willy...stop stretching it so you can lick it..NO, your brother cannot lick your willy!" He's only 4
I once said to my eldest "please don't put your foot in my coffee again".

"It's vagina, not pagina, and please don't sing a song about it"

"Who coloured in the dog?"

The white patches on the dog have been coloured in more than once over the years.

Stop cuddling the lamp posts - they are not lonely

No your poor teacher will not want to hear about the size of the poo you did last night

"Get your hand out of your pants"

"Stop winding the dog up, he'll bite you and you'll deserve it"

"Stop eating my food off my plate"

...me to DH

No, DS2, we do not lick tube trains.

Followed by (two days later) a spectacular stomach bug

Do not dunk your poo in your milkshake!

These have me absolutely crying
Don't lick the windows is a regular in this house.
No you cannot wee on the bed/carpet/toy
Stop eating the play doh!
No we do not poo in the bath.
Just because daddy does it doesn't mean you should (when 3yo DS copies DP farting then scooping the smell towards me )