Things You Never Thought You'd Say Until You Had Kids [Edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

[WitheringEyeRoll]

Today's:

Do not poke me in the face with a chopstick

[VelociraptorRex]

These have me absolutely crying
Don't lick the windows is a regular in this house.
No you cannot wee on the bed/carpet/toy
Stop eating the play doh!
No we do not poo in the bath.
Just because daddy does it doesn't mean you should (when 3yo DS copies DP farting then scooping the smell towards me )

[doris9034]

Do not dunk your poo in your milkshake!

[DelurkingAJ]

No, DS2, we do not lick tube trains.

Followed by (two days later) a spectacular stomach bug

[amusedbush]

"Get your hand out of your pants"

"Stop winding the dog up, he'll bite you and you'll deserve it"

"Stop eating my food off my plate"

...me to DH

[cottonwoolbrain]

Stop cuddling the lamp posts - they are not lonely

No your poor teacher will not want to hear about the size of the poo you did last night

[Reaa]

"Who coloured in the dog?"

The white patches on the dog have been coloured in more than once over the years.

[WitheringEyeRoll]

"It's vagina, not pagina, and please don't sing a song about it"

[Mcflybumbum]

Daily-"please stop strangling your brother" and often "please don't drown your brother ". This is said to my youngest son 🙈
Youngest son is autistic and very sensory, so licks bloody everything..."please stop trying to lick your willy...stop stretching it so you can lick it..NO, your brother cannot lick your willy!" He's only 4
I once said to my eldest "please don't put your foot in my coffee again".

[jigsawmaniac]

Bolognese is not finger food... to toddler ds.

[crosstalk]

You haven't done your homework and I'll do it for you #don'tevergothere

Yes you can have a dog/hamster/petrat #dontevergothere

Yes of course you can go to a sleep-over and I'll collect you when you're having nightmares after watching something nasty and inappropriate and you then are too tired to do homework #bansleepovers

[Brocks1981]

The shelf is not there for you to parkour on. After DS 6 ripped it out the wall trying to do a stunt jump froom his chair onto the shelf. Leaving a gaping hole.

Much as it is a skill son, dont mouth one thing while muttering something different thats not fair too daddy when he is deaf and relys on lipreading.

Dont make broken washing machine noise when I have just put a full load of washing in.

[1Supersonic]

Can I get some sleep please!

[SurgeHopper]

Why did you give the dog a fringe? hmm


^^

[Whitelisbon]

Why did you put the Lego man's head up your nose? (Dd, then 4)
Why did you swallow a magnet? (Different dd, age 16 last week)
Why did you not think to mention you'd swallowed a magnet until it wouldn't flush?
Her teachers tell me she's intelligent. I beg to differ some days!

[Viebienremplie]

Oh and a more vintage one - how long has the loom band been up your nose? (There was a trickle of blood at this point, teatime and it had been up there since early morning...

[Viebienremplie]

Don't kiss the cat on her eyeball. Yuk.

No bum crack talk, seriously stop talking about bum cracks!

...Just two from today...

[elQuintoConyo]

Fingers aren't for bums. No, peas aren't for bums either.

Stop drinking the dog's water.

Why did you give the dog a fringe?

[Bringmevino]

Please don’t wrap your willy around my wrist.....whilst reading bedtime stories to DS then aged 4

[LittleDoritt]

Spit the snail out.

We don't kiss public bins. Or any bins!

Both DD2. Little minger.

[Port1ajazz]

" How did the bead get up your nose"? "I pushed it there of course " !

[Nats1606]

For the love of god stop flossing when I’m trying to tell you off!.....

don’t lick the trolley/till/the car/the window/the park bench

Stop smelling your brother’s bum in the bath

[TheEntertainerr]

When potty training DD, I had tried get her on the toilet before she'd done a poo but I was too late, she was soiled. I placed her on the toilet whilst I cleaned the mess in the bedroom.

No, don't touch your bum and noo noo.

(Whilst getting up off the bedroom floor and dashing to the bathroom) Don't touch anything. Don't wipe your hands round your face. DON'T PUT YOUR HANDS IN YOUR MOUTH!

DD's reply - mmm delish.

I can't wait to tell her she ate her own poo when she's a teenager.

[Rico08]

No I’m not doing the conga round the supermarket with you.

Who’s left the plug in the sink and put toilet paper in the overflow (whilst cleaning up a flooded bathroom)

[EggysMom]

On the licking theme, ours was 'Don't lick the lamp post!"

[Tiptopj]

Don't decapitated yellow ducky!