Things You Never Thought You'd Say Until You Had Kids [Edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

[WitheringEyeRoll]

Today's:

Do not poke me in the face with a chopstick

Take your hand out of your bloody pants!!!!

Hah I swear I say daily " I never that I would ever have to say that before kids "

Recent ones have included

"Don't chainsaw your brother " (toy chainsaw from a toy tool kit I swear but DP who had merrily and enthusiastically got a look for that one )

"If you want to be a train you can be you don't have to be batman"

To eldest
"No he doesn't have to be batman the joker won't win if he's a train "

Two minutes later

" No stop trying to ride your brother because he thinks he's a train "

And very regularly

" No ds1 your brother can't live in the garden "

Stop using your willy as a stylus.

She pooped? Oh thank heavens! What’s it like?

Don’t lick the bus

This, along with 'stop licking the bus stop'

*Please don't wrap your willy around the pencil'

I swear, I would love a shot of a willy for a day to see the fasctination.

Stop licking the cat.

Don't hit your sister with your toothbrush.

Don't fish-hook Mummy.

Don't lick the llama enclosure!

Don't vac your penis

"We don't use stampers on the cat. Or the curtains".
"Why have you Sellotaped the cat to the floor?" Stupid cat allowed it too. (Also, in 'things you didn't know you'd have to think about' - "how the fuck do I get Sellotape off a cat?”)

"Stop licking the window!" which was roared across Tesco by me at the checkout to DD1 who was old enough to know better.

There seems to be a strong licking theme on this thread.

why have you sellotaped the cat to the floor?

😂😂😂

I'm looking forward to Monday morning

Don't use your pants to clean the barbecue!

How do you get sellotape off a cat?

No imaginary lightsabers at the dinner table.

Can't think of anything to add but crying with laughter at these

publishGoodbooks fortunately DD's 3 year old fingers weren't very articulate so the Sellotape had got very twisted when she'd got it off the dispenser so not much was actually stuck to the cat. The cat was a greedy idiot and if her head was in her food bowl then we could've hosed her down and she wouldn't have moved. DD stuck one end of the Sellotape to the floor, over the cat and stuck it on the other side. God knows why she did it, never got an answer.

No kicking footballs at the lamp, no not even your squishy ball.

Did you just try and wee in the bath?

Ice cream can't be used instead of ketchup

Don't poo on the sofa!

Please stop smearing Marmite on the Penguin! Definitely a phrase I never expected to say!

Who put ham on the mantelpiece?

No, the dog does not want to eat your snot.
No, I don't want to see how long you can stretch your winky
Are you sure that's chocolate?
Yes of course (enter food name) will make you run faster than (enter today's imaginary competitor's name)
No you can't have a pet nit if you find one
Stop farting on the dog, and don't fart on me either!
No I don't want to smell it
I have no idea who did the biggest poo ever (nor do I care!)
Why did you poo on the bathroom floor?
Stop licking things!!

These are so funny!

Take these swimming goggles off the cat.

Take your willy out of the fan.