Things You Never Thought You'd Say Until You Had Kids [Edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

[WitheringEyeRoll]

Today's:

Do not poke me in the face with a chopstick

"No, we don't stick our thumbs up our bum"
Which DS(3) thought was absolutely hilarious and then launched in to a standard tirade of "BUT WWWHHHYYYYY?!".

“Why are all your toys on the roof”?

“What did you think would happen when you hammered your mobile with a screwdriver?”

“Who ate the raw turkey strips that were for tonight’s tea?”

“Why are there 12 broken eggs on the patio?” (within 5 minutes if my unpacking the groceries and preparing to bake)

“So, why did polar bear cut all the cords on the blinds?”

Shouting ' you can't have any more salad until you've eaten your pizza' in a restaurant.

“Why does the cat smell of haggis?”

“Why is the cat sparkly?”

“For the love of god will you stop sniffing the cat!”

Poor cat

Don’t put your hands down your pants (or down the toilet) then try to lick your fingers!!!!

There's also quite a cat theme!

‘No I do not want a glass of wine!’

Ds (2) has seen me drink once I generally wait until he is in bed . Since the ONE time he saw me have a small glass of red at a friends, all I hear is
‘Glass of wine, mummy?’

I’m sure that everyone I know thinks that I am trying to cover up a problem.

Don't put Smarties up your brother's bum. Or in your bum.

He (3yo) shoved it up his nose instead 😣

DS, please don't shoot any more cannonballs into the fishtank, you've hit Petunia Chowder!

--After DS shot the ball-bearing-like "cannonballs" that came with a model trebuchet he and his friend had just put together into our cichlid tank and hit one of the fish.

Mine are all bodily related unfortunately, I only grew up with a sister, I've got 3 boys now.....
"No bare bottoms on the sofa please!"
"No Willys on the dining table please boys"
And for 50 million times per am and PM " will you PLEASE go and BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!!!!!!!!"

Please take the red nose off your willy, you are supposed to wear it on your face.

You don't need to take the lizard to the toilet

New toys have to go everywhere apparently 🙄

Also, "has anyone seen littlebees hearing aids?" For a hundred times a day and also hearing "mummy!!!! Rupert is chewing little bees hearing aids!!!!"

At costa: don't lick the ashtray. No don't lick the windows either

At the park: stop spilling ur drinks on the swings and then licking them

Also at the park: nooo don't eat the thing u just took out of the bin! 🙄

Don’t put your willy in the watering can.

No ham didn't draw on the carpet.
No the bbq did not trump in the car.

Don't decapitated yellow ducky!

On the licking theme, ours was 'Don't lick the lamp post!"

No I’m not doing the conga round the supermarket with you.

Who’s left the plug in the sink and put toilet paper in the overflow (whilst cleaning up a flooded bathroom)

When potty training DD, I had tried get her on the toilet before she'd done a poo but I was too late, she was soiled. I placed her on the toilet whilst I cleaned the mess in the bedroom.

No, don't touch your bum and noo noo.

(Whilst getting up off the bedroom floor and dashing to the bathroom) Don't touch anything. Don't wipe your hands round your face. DON'T PUT YOUR HANDS IN YOUR MOUTH!

DD's reply - mmm delish.

I can't wait to tell her she ate her own poo when she's a teenager.

For the love of god stop flossing when I’m trying to tell you off!.....

don’t lick the trolley/till/the car/the window/the park bench

Stop smelling your brother’s bum in the bath

" How did the bead get up your nose"? "I pushed it there of course " !

Spit the snail out.

We don't kiss public bins. Or any bins!

Both DD2. Little minger.

Please don’t wrap your willy around my wrist.....whilst reading bedtime stories to DS then aged 4

Fingers aren't for bums. No, peas aren't for bums either.

Stop drinking the dog's water.

Why did you give the dog a fringe?