Asked to take in 5 children if parents tragically die

[Crossfitgirl]

So DH and I got asked this some time ago and I'm genuinely interested to see what other people would have done in the same situation, as it came up in conversation at work recently and there was some debate!

A family member and her DH were sorting out a will and rang me to ask if, in the unlikely event both of them died, would we take in their 5 children.

At the time they were all under the age of 10. (18 months, 3, 4, 6 and 8). They were specific in that they would not want the children splitting up, it would have to be all 5 together. 1 of the children also has special needs.

To give context, we aren't massively close to this family member (as in wouldn't choose to socialise together etc) however we are what you would consider "close family" and see them a handful of times a year at birthdays, Christmas etc. and we would definitely have a sense of responsibility towards them.

At the time DH and I were living in a 1 bed terrace, no kids of our own however were thinking of starting a family of our own in the next couple of years. We both work full time and have good jobs.

We obviously gave this very serious thought and consideration before giving our answer and felt honoured that we had been asked.

But we also felt it was a very huge thing to ask which also would have very obvious life changing implications for us and our own future.

But they do have other family who see the children much more regularly, the kids are more familiar with etc in terms of thinking what's best for the children.

So I'm interested - what would you have done?

I'd also love to hear if anyone has asked the same / similar of anyone else, and what your thoughts were at the time?

I would probably have said no.

I think I would have to have a very close relationship with the parents and the children if I were to consider entertaining the possibility.

I'd also want to discuss what financial provision they had made for the children, such as do they have life insurance, will they leave explicit instructions that the proceeds of any policy / house sale etc would be used to fund the upbringing of the children.

Agreeing to something like this would be a huge undertaking. Although it is unlikely that anything would happen, what if it did, and all of a sudden you are faced with raising 5 grieving children (plus your own), and suddenly EVERYTHING becomes a logistical nightmare;

You would likely need to arrange a fast move to much bigger accommodation

You would need to arrange to remove the children from everything they know (school, hobbies, friends) if you don't live close to their area

You would need to get a minibus for transport

Life admin would become a much more challenging prospect -arranging counselling appts, gp, dentist, schools, childcare, hobbies, etc

Bills would be huge for groceries, clothes, shoes, holidays, etc

-the point is, it's not a question that can be asked and answered without a hell of a lot of time spent thrashing out the details.

The fact that it is stated in their will does not mean it will happen. If social services did not think it would be in the best interests for the children they would find alternative guardians

I would have said no. You're not even friends with them, so presumably you are very different people - why would their children want to live with you, and vice versa? What about finances? What would they have planned there?

But an extra five children, when you are not close to their parents, is too much to ask of anyone, I think. I wonder whether they'd already asked and been refused elsewhere?

It’s a no from me, never wanted kids of my own so certainly would not want to take on anyone else’s. Give has explained the massive implications perfectly.

Hmm I think if my sister asked, we'd give it serious consideration. Anyone else would be a straight out no. It's a huge thing to ask someone.

I would have said I'm happy to take the role of legal guardian and would do whatever I thought was in their best interests at the time.

I would've said no. Five children is a monumental ask, especially as you aren't close. I already have two children of my own. We'd have to move to take on another five!

I'd do it for my brothers (so nieces and nephews) when they have children, and my cousins as shes like a sister to me and our children are close. That'd be a maximum of two children I would imagine though.

Other than that I wouldn't do it, sorry to say.

I don't think anyone who knew me would ask, but in the unlikely event they did, I'd say no straight away, whether it was one child or several. I've never wanted children and would make a terrible parent-figure/guardian.

I had an opposite sort of issue when thinking about this with my 3DC. All 3 of my siblings started squabbling over who would get them When in reality it would be ExDPs brother and his DW who had them if me and ExDP both died That was awkward...

But no, I wouldn’t take on 5DC.

I would have said yes, because it’s so unlikely to become a reality but peace of mind for now is important.
You can’t tell how circumstances change over the next few years so if they did need looking after I’d deal with it then. I mean I’d decide if it was possible.
This all presumes no current serious illness of the parents and the children aren’t told who will look after them if parents die.

Close family- yes.

It's a difficult one and would depend how close I was to them and what other provision they had made for the eventuality.

Eg I have 4 children am a single parent so put a lot of thought into this when they were younger. I took out enough life insurance to cover the cost of a home big enough for them and an au pair/nanny as well as other costs so that my friend, who was the person that had agreed to have them if I died, would have the means to do so. I also made provision for what happened later re inheritance of any property bought with it etc. It was very complicated but I was very conscious that it needed to be done properly and had guidance from a solicitor. It really isn't as simple as just asking someone to take on your children in the event of your death so my answer would probably depend on how much thought they had put into it.

I was asked as well, but 'only' for 4 children, and to be guardian. I agreed to be guardian.

1. it's quite unlikely that both parents will die at the same time whilst the dc are small
2. even if guardian, you are not necessarily the one to house the dc
3. circumstances change, maybe it would be better for dc to be housed separately, especially if that would allow for specialist care for disabled dc

I would have said I'm happy to take the role of legal guardian and would do whatever I thought was in their best interests at the time.

This ^

I would have said no.

I only had one dc as I felt I couldn't cope with the stress of having more kids, I'm lazy and with that amount of kids you'd spend all your time cooking, laundry duties, taxi duties, etc. I work full time at quite a high powered job and like having time to concentrate on my career.

I think I'd end up divorced and having a breakdown with 5 more kids.

I would have said no to 5! I am down to take care of my niece and nephew if anything happens - this is more likely as only one parent is still around. I sat down with their mum and we worked out what the insurance/income would be, what lifestyle she’d want them to have and whether there was enough money. Plus where near me had good enough schools and houses to make it feasible. We drew up a rough plan so that it seemed more manageable for me in my head before saying yes. I then felt able to accept it without panicking!

I think it depends on the alternative really.

Would I want to take on 5 kids, including one with SN? Christ no. But I couldn't live with a close relative's kids ending up in the care system.

Those who would say no: would you let your close relative’s (sibling, I presume) children go into care rather than take them in yourself?

Hell of a thing to try to decide. One or two, close family, I would feel obliged if we could financially cope. To take on five though, however close, would for me be an ask too far.
If I had 5 I would have to talk to all of the family to come to an alternative. Splitting them up obviously isn’t ideal, but I think expecting one couple to cope is asking too much.

We said yes to everyone who asked us therefore potentially 8 children (four different families, 3 x siblings plus best friends), and have three of our own. It’s s really hard thing to say no to those you love.

I asked my sister initially but we then had more kids and so did she so I have since changed it. It's difficult to choose someone you would trust with your kids. This couple must think a lot of you. However if they died in a car crash would you really be able to take on the care of their kids who would be traumatised? While its unlikely to happen, it's certainly not unheard of. I don't think I'd have been able to agree to it.

My sister has agreed to take my children if DH and I both died.

She knows there would also be around £1.5m in life insurance to allow for a bigger home and the expense of raising 3 extra children.

I would have said no because I wouldn't be able to afford to move home, change cars, extra child care nor provide (food&clothing) for them all including my own children. I think it's too big an ask. If it were one or two children, it would be more manageable. But 5 plus your own?! It might be better to split them up amongst the family so one or two each? So at least they remain safe and within the family.

I'd have said no

Five children is a massive ask. It's interesting, I'd not considered what parents of many DC think about guardianship etc

I'm sure lots of people would consider taking in 2, but 5?!

Close family yes definitely, I would expect it to be a reciprocal arrangement too.