Asked to take in 5 children if parents tragically die

[Crossfitgirl]

So DH and I got asked this some time ago and I'm genuinely interested to see what other people would have done in the same situation, as it came up in conversation at work recently and there was some debate!

A family member and her DH were sorting out a will and rang me to ask if, in the unlikely event both of them died, would we take in their 5 children.

At the time they were all under the age of 10. (18 months, 3, 4, 6 and 8). They were specific in that they would not want the children splitting up, it would have to be all 5 together. 1 of the children also has special needs.

To give context, we aren't massively close to this family member (as in wouldn't choose to socialise together etc) however we are what you would consider "close family" and see them a handful of times a year at birthdays, Christmas etc. and we would definitely have a sense of responsibility towards them.

At the time DH and I were living in a 1 bed terrace, no kids of our own however were thinking of starting a family of our own in the next couple of years. We both work full time and have good jobs.

We obviously gave this very serious thought and consideration before giving our answer and felt honoured that we had been asked.

But we also felt it was a very huge thing to ask which also would have very obvious life changing implications for us and our own future.

But they do have other family who see the children much more regularly, the kids are more familiar with etc in terms of thinking what's best for the children.

So I'm interested - what would you have done?

I'd also love to hear if anyone has asked the same / similar of anyone else, and what your thoughts were at the time?

You felt honoured to be asked ?
I'm not sure I'd feel honoured as such , it's probably the least bad option, ie better than care.
In reality I'd say yes to my sister but not for anyone else and I would expect some financial provision for the children.

For me it would depend on the specific additional needs of the child you mentioned. If they were cope-able-with I would say yes. But then I want to foster/adopt anyway, and at least with family you know what you're getting. I do find it strange they asked you when they're closer with others, but maybe they already asked them and were turned down, or maybe you just would have been 'third-down-the-list' or whatever if you'd said yes?

Categorically yes, no matter the number of children or provision left for them. I would feel it my duty towards the children, regardless of my relationship with the parents.
My lifestyle would have to change, but the children's welfare would come first.

I'd say yes but then again I love my nieces and nephews and cousins' kids etc and couldn't imagine making them go somewhere less suitable. Plus Michelle Duggar has proven that you can give birth to 19+ children and look after them all, so it is theoretically possible I guess! I'm so glad DB didn't turn us down despite already having 4 of his own. I'd have been devastated.

No I wouldn't. I'd take my sister's child and vice versa. But I wouldn't take in five children for a relative I wasn't close to.

In some ways it could end up better for them in care than with a resentful relative, living in a very dodgy income situation where there's not enough to go round for all these children and stressful and pressured carers. In any case, social services would thoroughly vet the person/couple concerned and their family and make their decision based on what was best for those children so even if the person/couple were willing to take them on, if SS thought it was too much or a multitude of other reasons, they'd be able to veto any such plans (as I understand it).

It would be the worst scenario I think to be in the care of one or two people who felt in some way put upon, resentful, not genuinely caring for the children or who potentially (not saying this applies in this case) only said yes as they knew about the financial provision.

I'd say no to adopting them or whatever (but I'm 53 and a single parent so it wouldn't be the best idea I wouldn't have thought and I know I'd be unable to work and tend to 5 children plus my own two) but I'd possibly offer to be guardian (once I knew specifically what that entailed).

At least she asked!! My now ex friend came back from her solicitor's announcing she had named me as guardian for her 2 dc's!! One has SN and I have a house full of my own dc as it is!
Curious what happens now we have fallen out...

Those who would say no: would you let your close relative’s (sibling, I presume) children go into care rather than take them in yourself?

Even if those were the only two choices (and they wouldn’t be), if we were talking about taking five children into a household where there are already two children and one of the adults is away on business for 70% of the year, then yes, I would still say no.

Probably would have been a no without some other help in place tbh.

There's no way we could have afforded or managed 5 kids of our own-hence why we didn't do it.

5 kids, definitely not. i would only look after my own sisters children and that's it.

5kids = no, not even for close family.

1/2 kids for close family yes.

Interesting and very sensible comments.

There was no discussion or mention whatsoever of what provisions would be in place financially, or how we would manage, what we would to to accommodate enough room, they also live over an hour away so considerations of either taking them all out of school or moving miles away from our current lives, other close(r) family, friends and jobs.

It was just a "would you agree to do this if we died, you don't have to say yes but take your time and get back to us" kind of conversation. There was no all sit down together as a family and work through what a feasible plan would be.

We've never even babysat really or had the kids overnight. It's very much a heart says yes head says no kind of one! In principle, of course, family comes first and who cares about anything else as long as the children are looked after. In reality, very different.

I did wonder if it was essentially due to us being financially pretty OK compared to other people. And the fact we don't have our own kids, whereas lots of their friends also have kids. We want maybe 2 of our own, so considering another 5 on top would significantly reduce our chances of ever being able to have our own family if the worst did happen imminently.

It's really given me a good insight into how I would plan this for my own family one day!

@Easterbunnyiscomingsoon 😦😱😲 that is shocking!! Bloody hell!

Definitely a no from me! It's a HUGE consideration and would actually wreck the rest of your life.

Our parents had the guardianship deal with some friends who weren't actually their closest friends, but it was only 3 kids a side. I wouldn't ask anyone who didn't obviously have the space and resources to deal.

We still need to finalise our will, but would probably say our kids should go to BIL because they are near enough that kids could easily stay in their schools and have cousins a similar age. It might in some ways make more sense to go to my sister, as they've only been able to have one child, but they are slightly further away so schools etc would be more of a schlep.

I would do it. It’s unlikely to happen, but to lose both parents, then to be either split up or felt unwanted would be tragic for the children. It breaks my heart and its not even happened.
Yes I wouldn’t do it. Practical issues I’m sure would arise, but would be dealt with.

I'd have said no. It's all well and good to have nice sentiments, but money isn't magicked out of nowhere nor is time or energy.

And Easterbunny, you don’t have to agree just because someone has put it in their will (which you probably know already, just saying 🤗)

I've thought about this before (though no one has ever asked me) and I think I would always say yes. Obviously it would be a major upheaval and it would not be how I have chosen or planned to spend my life. But in those circumstances, nothing would be anyone's first choice. It certainly wouldn't be what the children had hoped for, but nor is it their fault. They would deserve someone who would do everything they possibly could to care for them, all together, as a family. And I would try my very best to do that.

Those who would say no: would you let your close relative’s (sibling, I presume) children go into care rather than take them in yourself?

Yes. Because there is no way on this Earth I could afford to bring up 5 kids without huge provision. I also have a child with SN and have to put his needs up there, too.

Some people do LadyGregory’s. One of my friends took in the children of another friend who was no longer able to care for them. She took them in when all the family of their mum couldn’t care less if they went into care.

I always thought that I would be happy to take in my sister’s children even when are not close. Now I know she wouldn’t take mine in, I wouldn’t go into the trouble for hers either, at the end of the day, we may be connected by blood but apart of birthdays and the odd Christmas, we do not talk to each other.

They do not know my child, I don’t know theirs, all the kids would be better placed with someone who knows them better.

5 is a lot - most people would agree to look after 1/2 friends/relatives children

but 5 is a different ballgame

any family should think about what happens if both parents die, to make sure they have life insurance and be able to have a roof over their heads

@HogMother

Most people would be upset for the children in those circumstances.

But in all situations like these, you have to do what’s best for the children, not what’s best to prevent the adults from feeling guilty.

There are a few people saying that they would take on 5 children for close family, no matter what. That it would be tough, but they would cope.

Can I ask one of you to explain how you would cope, exactly?

Where does the extra money come from for the bigger house, the bigger car, the additional groceries, clothes, shoes etc?

Would you uproot your own children, in order for the orphaned children to retain some stability? Or do you uproot the orphaned children in favour of your children keeping their home / schools?

Do you think it would be in the best interests of your own children to take in five others?

Do you think that your children would resent you for the missed school trips, extracurricular activities, family holidays, one on one time with their parents?

I would have said yes.

It sounds like this is a sibling so saying no would taint your relationship.

It‘s very unlikely that it would happen - so why risk a definite chance of a tainted relationship against a remote possibility of this happening?

Even if you were wholeheartedly in favour of this at this stage, your circumstances could change ( death, illness, divorce, child of your own with disabilities etc) or the children’s circumstances might change (a16 year old might want to stay with friends/other relatives) so you would only be able to take a definitive decision at the time.

Agree they should have life insurance/financial provision in any will.