Asked to take in 5 children if parents tragically die

[Crossfitgirl]

So DH and I got asked this some time ago and I'm genuinely interested to see what other people would have done in the same situation, as it came up in conversation at work recently and there was some debate!

A family member and her DH were sorting out a will and rang me to ask if, in the unlikely event both of them died, would we take in their 5 children.

At the time they were all under the age of 10. (18 months, 3, 4, 6 and 8). They were specific in that they would not want the children splitting up, it would have to be all 5 together. 1 of the children also has special needs.

To give context, we aren't massively close to this family member (as in wouldn't choose to socialise together etc) however we are what you would consider "close family" and see them a handful of times a year at birthdays, Christmas etc. and we would definitely have a sense of responsibility towards them.

At the time DH and I were living in a 1 bed terrace, no kids of our own however were thinking of starting a family of our own in the next couple of years. We both work full time and have good jobs.

We obviously gave this very serious thought and consideration before giving our answer and felt honoured that we had been asked.

But we also felt it was a very huge thing to ask which also would have very obvious life changing implications for us and our own future.

But they do have other family who see the children much more regularly, the kids are more familiar with etc in terms of thinking what's best for the children.

So I'm interested - what would you have done?

I'd also love to hear if anyone has asked the same / similar of anyone else, and what your thoughts were at the time?

Very different although similar lines - my sister asked me when I was in my early twenties and single/childless and working overseas. Her husband had MS so it was really if anything happened to her as he wouldn't have coped with two small children on his own. I said yes immediately and she wouldn't accept it until I'd given it serious consideration and kept saying that it would be a massive life change. Anyway that was about 25 years ago and she's still going strong.

Exactly, Give. Heroics and nobility don't pay the bills.

I would have said yes provided there were life insurance policies in place to financially take care of the children because there is no way we could afford to look after another 5 on top of our own 2. I would never see children who have just lost their parents go into care with people they don't know.

I asked my brother to be a guardian for DS in the event of my death & he refused. I'm in the position of he is my only relation other than my mum & I don't have any friends that I am close enough to who I would consider asking. I'm a single parent, DS's dad is severely disabled & DS doesn't get on with his dad's family. Thankfully DS is 15, so in 3 years time the need won't arise. I can't be the only person in this situation.

I'm looking forward to hearing how the practicalities would be managed! Should be insightful, @coffeeismyspinach

No way would I have said yes. I wouldn't even have had to think about it.

Cheeky fuckers!

You haven't even got your own kids!

Givemefiveminutes, I think that in such a life-changing circumstance, you wouldn't think so much about all of the details for the next 10 years so much as the immediate actions. Things like possibly getting money in the will for the children and extra tax credits or extra child benefit might eventually help but in the heat of the moment I'm sure it would be less than perfect, but still better than kids being separated to go into care. But I have a massive family where this has actually happened 2 generations ago, when money was very tight, no real safety net available, large family taking in extra kids and it all worked out because it had to. It isn't about achieving perfection.

I would never see children who have just lost their parents go into care with people they don't know.

It's not necessarily your decision, however. If you live in a 2-bed flat with 2 kids and low income it's not likely you'll be allowed to move 5 more kids in. If you have low income (and just about everyone's would be with 5+ kids to support), you can't feed, house and clothe 5 extra kids just like that. And the tax credits are long gone. It's UC now. Knowing how the DWP operates, there's a chance you'd get zero support at all for over 2 kids.

5 kids, na, not fair on my own. I've got it in mine that our kids go to DB giving them a total of 4, so I've made sure we have very good insurance policies that would allow them to buy a higher house, work less hours if needed, bigger car plus money for kids to inherit. Obviously all discussed! So long as they had the financial matters well demonstrated and in hand it would be considerable, but I wouldn't think it was fair to my own kids. If they had no where else to go that would be a different matter.

Lewes, there's no real safety net now. The tax credits are gone now. The council housing to house such a large family is gone now. And the 'just make it work' no longer applies because professionals involved will evaluate if it's in the best interests of all the kids to cram everyone into one home.

Of course I would say yes. Especially if we r talking about a sibiling. And I have 4 of my own. Would not be easy but where theres a will theres a way. No way i would let my nieces and nephews in care because bills!

1 child yes, 2 children maybe but 5? No, I wouldn’t want to but if the other option was that they go into care and get split up then I would do it but it would be with a heavy heart. I know it’s not ideal to split children up but if they’re all with different family members it’s not the same as being in care and I think when there are so many it might be best so that they can all get lots of one on one attention and of course they’d all keep in touch.

That's not really an answer as to how you manage things in the long term, @LewesHamilton.

I think a lot of people would be happy to step in on a temporary basis whilst a permanent arrangement was sought, but you cannot embark upon an arrangement to take in five children without having the finer details nailed down.

Saying that "possibly getting money in the will" and "extra tax credits and child benefit may help" doesn't explain very much.

Nor do you explain how you manage the impact on your own children.

I appreciate the sentiment, but it's just not practical for most people to agree to such a commitment.

In need, coffee. Social services rarely get involved if there is family.
Biscuit. Very stupid, it can and does happen.
Needs to be a lot more thought and discussion.

I am at stage when I would take in much more than 5 children but I would not have done that in my '20s for example. I would help anyone really, especially if they were to die and leave all their assets to their kids but for me to manage: after all I have to live too.

I teach Maths via a local charity to kids from disadvantaged background and I see some mums who cannot even speak English yet they have a high number of kids and I always wonder: what future do these kids really have? In several years, they will speak English better than their parents and will think they know everything about the word - no wonder they 'revolt' in such ways we are used to see in the media.

I've had this conversation with a friend about taking in my daughter. I was very clear that I would be giving her a nest egg to be kept until she is 21 and our house, which the family could decide to move into or rent or sell as long as 60% of the proceeds went into dd's account for her at 21. The house is worth over £550k, so I think 40% is fair for the 9 years left until dd turns 18. Would be interested to know if others think that isn't fair actually as it's a hard thing to guage.
5 kids is very different to have in a small house though. I'd probably only have agreed if a bigger house/other funds would have been made available. Otherwise it's no fun for anyone and the kids won't be happy.

@GiveMeFiveMinutes you'd have to ensure in the will while having the discussion that the children came with a pre arranged set of money (presumably via insurance) with terms as to how to be spent (ie what's for the guardians and what's to be left to the kids as they come of age for example).

I have four brothers. Three of them already have children (also a step sister but she’s only 19).

Two of them have one and two kids each. I would take these children without hesitation. They’re lovely kids (one has adhd but I could handle that) and I genuinely love them. The other brother has a lot of issues and has threatened my family before. He is a terrible father and his kids are turning out terribly. The five yr old attacked my youngest when he was three. Not their fault but I wouldn’t inflict them on my kids. I don’t feel love towards them and couldn’t pretend.

Anyway, I would say yes to five kids if there was provision made for a bigger house, financially providing for them in the will.

A definite no from me!

Ok, so let's presume the financials are all in place, @GoldenHour -what about the impact on everything else that I mentioned?

I don't think it's as easy as the "I'll take them, no bother!" people seem to think.

I'm not saying that it couldn't be done, but I am saying that it would be incredibly difficult, and would have long term impact on your own family / children and future choices.

Sorry thats not for me.

@LadyGregorysToothbrush

Yes if i couldnt take on 5 extra children then they would have to go into care. My main priorities are that the bills are paid, we have a place to live and that the children (I care for) have food and are clothed. I could take one one extra child but no more. A neighbour is a foster carer, she is great with the children and gets paid well. The foster children also have clothing allowances. The needs of the children must come first.

If you're talking about my siblings children, they both have severe special needs/disability (genetic). I would not be able to cope with them living with me forever. I already support disabled (with special needs) parents. Im prepared to get flamed, but you asked and thats the truth.

We have 1 child, and are approved adopters for 1 more. I have asked Dsis to agree to take both in these circs, which would make 5 along with her three.

However, I have also explained that all our assets would go to her as well, so she could (for example) give up work for several years.

A definate no from me too, it is a huge responsibility, and you are not even close, I don't know why they asked you. What did you say to them.

I would take in my sister's 2 kids, but wouldn't cope if she had more than those 2. Both DH and I work ft and we have 2 dcs of our own, and we live in a 3 bed semi. It isn't likely to happen because my sis is divorced from her kids dad so it's incredibly unlikely that both of them would die, and there's a step mum around as well who would step up if needed.

I would take in my sils 2 kids in a heartbeat. I'd love to be allowed to take them now!! She's mentally ill and her parenting skills left quite a lot to be desired even before this episode of illness. But social services say she's not bad enough to take the kids away, so the kids are just miserable instead.

5 kids would be a massive, massive deal to take them in. It's a huge ask for anyone.