Asked to take in 5 children if parents tragically die

[Crossfitgirl]

So DH and I got asked this some time ago and I'm genuinely interested to see what other people would have done in the same situation, as it came up in conversation at work recently and there was some debate!

A family member and her DH were sorting out a will and rang me to ask if, in the unlikely event both of them died, would we take in their 5 children.

At the time they were all under the age of 10. (18 months, 3, 4, 6 and 8). They were specific in that they would not want the children splitting up, it would have to be all 5 together. 1 of the children also has special needs.

To give context, we aren't massively close to this family member (as in wouldn't choose to socialise together etc) however we are what you would consider "close family" and see them a handful of times a year at birthdays, Christmas etc. and we would definitely have a sense of responsibility towards them.

At the time DH and I were living in a 1 bed terrace, no kids of our own however were thinking of starting a family of our own in the next couple of years. We both work full time and have good jobs.

We obviously gave this very serious thought and consideration before giving our answer and felt honoured that we had been asked.

But we also felt it was a very huge thing to ask which also would have very obvious life changing implications for us and our own future.

But they do have other family who see the children much more regularly, the kids are more familiar with etc in terms of thinking what's best for the children.

So I'm interested - what would you have done?

I'd also love to hear if anyone has asked the same / similar of anyone else, and what your thoughts were at the time?

I'm one of the folk who mentioned impact on lifestyle and it had nothing to do with money and everything to do with day-to-day life - e.g. I got up this morning and did a workout DVD while my DS sorted his own breakfast and then we all went to see a film (at kids club so a total cost of £6 for the 4 of us) that we all enjoyed. if i had 5 extra kids to look after that wouldn't have been how this morning went!

That's fine and I understand because I love quite weekend mornings as well but I would be willing to give it up to know that 5 children who had lost their parents were in a loving home together, instead d of in care and possibly (very likely) seperated.

when posters say there'd have to be financial provision - it would have to be a hell of a lot wouldn't it? I'm not sure how much the average life insurance policy would pay out, but to take on 5 children would involve moving home for most people and that's just the first cost I think of.

coffeeismyspinach

Why do you sound so angry about this subject?

@Grace212 absolutely. But if you think each parent is insured it's plausible, we are insured separately for this reason so if we die together it pays twice. If we die together we have over £500,000 in policies and a house to sell too. But yes they'll need good cover for 5 kids, we only have 2!

@Crossfitgirl my mum is raising 3 grandchildren, and is part of a 'community' of people that have taken on family members children due to many reasons one of those being death! 5 children is a HUGE ASK, my mum struggles with 3 so I would say NO!

Its easy people telling you that you should of said yes but that is absolutely cruel and you would be guilt ridden if it did actually happen.

My DD would currently have to move 5 hours away to my SIL if anything happened, but as she gets older I would consider other options to not take her away from her life if I passed away.

Unfortunately, the full impact of UC and what it will have on working poor families has been largely buried by Brexit, but not for long as more and more are moved onto it.

understandingUC

Why do you sound so angry about this subject?

I think everyone should be angry about the introduction of UC and its impact on all families and the kinds of decisions they can make, don't you, Drogon? Odd that you're not. It's in no way angry to correct the erroneous assumption that people can still claim tax credits to take in children and that they are somehow morally inferior for not doing so due to budget constraints, when it is simply fact that new claims are UC and that by 2023, all benefits claims will be UC.

Although I have to say I'm surprised at how little ire there is towards the government for sneaking in that sly cut off of Pension Tax Credits. That is a particularly low blow with the pension age now being 67 on top of that .

when posters say there'd have to be financial provision - it would have to be a hell of a lot wouldn't it?

Two lots of life insurance, a house with equity, savings, etc. is a lot of money...but I agree, it wouldn't go especially far with 5 young children.

If they're older, it might suffice.

A friend of mine took in her niece and nephew after her sister was very tragically murdered (by her ex husband so the dc lost their Mum and Dad is in prison). She unfortunately has struggled massively as she really doesn't like them much.

It's very very difficult to watch but she felt she had to do it out of guilt / pressure. She has no maternal love for those children. The financial side has been crippling as has moving them into an already cramped house. I would not commit to taking on any children unless I genuinely loved them. Kids are hard work but if you don't love them then it's a million times harder.

I would have said I'm happy to take the role of legal guardian and would do whatever I thought was in their best interests at the time

This ^

This is what we did when drawing up our will, when the dc were small - asked two people (not a couple) to "make the best decisions in the interests of the children, at the time".
Obviously you hope it will never happen, but if it were to, then you have no idea what stage of life the dc would be at, at the time. Nor does anyone have a clue what else has happened in your life since the request is made - illness, accident, breavement, or positive things like winning the lottery or promotions or starting a family of your own, etc etc etc.
The 'making the best call at the time' seemed the best way forward for us.

One particularly helpful passage from our glorious DWP on the subject of transfer to UC:

If you receive these benefits or tax credits and your circumstances change in a way that would have meant you would make a new claim to one of these benefits, you will now need to claim Universal Credit instead.

UC is a shower of shite and a reality if you take in 5 children and cannot afford to support them with your own salary.

Oh right Crossfitgirl better be honest now so that they can find someone who will take them, or make arrangements, than say yes and not mean it. I personally could not, we have 2 kids with SN and I find that very hard, let alone an extra 5 kids.

I agree, Aero. Am also the parent of a child with SN and aside from finances, would not have the emotional capacity to take on another. Best to be honest about that.

Noway could I Coffee that would render me 6 ft under, I just haven't got the strength to take on 5 kids especially if we are not close, no. I can bearly cope with mine, and have no support network apart from dh who works long hours.

I expect that that if SS were involved, the kids would have to split up, as I don't think they would have many offers to take in 5 kids.

I don’t understand why people think it would always be the better option to house five grieving children with a family who already have children and commitments, and to suffer house moves, poverty and stress within this family, simply because they are related.

And how many people saying “Yes! I’d take them in a heartbeat - wouldn’t even have to think about it” would ever actually have to follow through on that? So easy to say it knowing you would never have to.

Same here, Aero.

WE have 3 DC, we had 2 when we write our wills. We asked and then named a cousin a# guardian for our children. She has 2 of he4 own, the younger 6 months older than my eldest. They went through nursery and primary school together seeing each other 6 days a week. The children see their aunt a minimum of twice a week.

We own a large party property that could be sold or rented, plus approximately ;£800k life insurance if we both go. So the childrenwoukd come with sufficient funds for moving house, bigger cars, continuing their activities.

We appointed a separate financial guardian.

I would struggle to take 5 additional children. I work full t8me, and am currently struggling with travel required with 3DC.

My mum was asked to take my 3 cousins as children, on top her own 4. She said she couldn’t take them all, but did take 1 for the short term. The other two cousins weren’t put into care. A tragic situation.

Sorry, typo, cousins were put into care.

I would say yes to a close relative or best friend.
Surely they have life insurance?

I would take my nieces or nephews but there are only two of them per couple. I wouldn't take 5 - I think that's a big ask

If I were the only family member and she were say, my sister, then I would do my damn best. However, it would probably mean that I couldn't afford any of my own. A big sacrifice.
It'd be much better if I could take 2/3 and my mum or brothers take the others just for money's sake. If I were to be left their money and assets to afford to raise all 5 then yes I would.

In your case it's have been a no.

I think the first thing I would ask if how much life insurance they have. My husband and I have x15 of our individual salaries, for three kids. We got it when we had our first son and were in our twenties so the monthly payments are cheap. Hopefully this would be enough for their guardians to raise all three, and pay for their university. Id take in my nephews if they needed, but couldn’t afford to without life insurance payouts.

I’ll be taking in 4 of my much, much younger than me siblings (some younger than my eldest child) if my own parents were to pass. Deep down I’m not too sure if they’d manage to take on my 4 if the worst should happen to me as I don’t know if they would actually cope. It’s why I often tell them that they better not be going anywhere lol.

If you decide to go ahead I’d make sure you tell them that financial provisions will HAVE to be in place for them as you can only claim universal credit (which is what everyone will be on eventually) for 2 kids and unless your very comfortably well off 5 kids could be a major struggle to afford.

I couldn’t do it.

One of my best friends is a single parent, no contact with her family and has 2 sons one of whom is closest to my eldest as they were born a week apart. She asked if me and DH would be guardian if she was to die- we had to refuse.

We have 3 of our own children, are cramped in a 3 bed terrace, both work 60+ hour weeks and felt we wouldn’t be able to provide the care they deserved.

I think she was a bit pissed off but unfortunately reality has to take priority.