Why is the one popular/lively/extrovert girl in every group dislikes me, all my life?

[Borelis]

Hi,
I am a mid-20s female and felt throughout my life, e.g. at school and at every work place, say there's 30 people (15 guys and 15 girls), the 15 guys will generally be really friendly or at least nice enough to me. In the 15 girls, at least 12 or 13 of them would be really friendly or at least neutral with me. However, every time there's usually a short but loud, lively, extrovert girl (the type who leads group convos, laughs at every joke loudly and generally thinks she's the leader, very opinionated etc) will almost instantly take a dislike to me (without any argument etc occurring as I'll be fairly civil and normal with her) but I could tell as she'd then bitch to the other girls behind my back about me to the point where they start avoiding me too and she'd openly disagree with anything I have to say etc. and then the news will spread to the guys and some of them will also take a step back..

I don't know why this happens at EVERY school and work place I've been to. 90% of people will be fine/very friendly with me yet that one short, loud, female just will not like me for no reason that I can think of.

P.S I am also short but considered "pretty" I guess and above average intelligence (based on grades, work performance etc.) but I don't show off about this at all. I'm not a shy introvert but I'm definitely not a loud extrovert either (I wouldn't speak a lot in group settings/meetings) - I am exactly in the middle (which surely should be the easiest type for most people to get along with?). Most men seem to like talking to me, even as friends, more than with other girls. I am the type to always be very smiley, friendly, agreeable and helpful but I know I can come across slightly "cold" with females, just purely out of being a bit nervous of them and their possible rejection but I'm still very helpful and kind with them. It's not even that these loud extrovert girls like only loud people as they'll happily get along with both loud people and those that are much much quieter than me.

I just hate that this one person always ends with me losing everyone's popularity at every place I go to. I can't pinpoint exactly what causes this

Are you one of those women who sometimes self declare that they 'only are friends with men and find women really bitchy'?
Have you said this to people?

It may be harsh but if as you say it happens every time it’s either your fault or your imagination.

Very weird that they’re always short with such similar personalities!

You say you can be cold to females which could have something to do with it.

Also you have such a clear physical idea of what this objectionable person will look like, maybe you’re even colder to shorter women in the group?

I don’t think this is a universal rule so the common factor does seem to be you somehow.

Or its that there is one person in the office that likes to belittle or put the new person in their place.

There has been one in every place that I have worked, people step lightly around them as they do not want to be in the receiving end of the of this persons attitude or pushed out of the clique.

You won't want to hear this but you are the common denominator so you need to think about your behaviour.

Obviously we can only go on what you've typed here.

But you do sound quite disapproving and a bit judgmental of the women you're describing, so maybe they can sense that?

It sounds like you think they might be jealous. As someone who is pretty, popular with men, went to Oxbridge, good career etc. I can tell you that I have lots of friends who sound like the ones you describe not liking you and many female friends in particular.

It does sound like your nervousness may be giving off vibes which put them off. But if the rest of the group then dislikes you, are they really worth sticking with? Can you pick off the individuals who are nice and work on building friendships with them?

It's probably you not them...

No idea. But tbh, in a group of 30 it's not a big surprise if one person doesn't take to you. It's just life. Give it a few years and you won't give a fig.

Yep it's you. You have a problem with women and it sounds like you see these particular women as being a threat. You convince yourself that they are the problem but they've taken a dislike to you because of the way you interact with them.

Try to think about "short, loud, popular" women. Is it more likely that every woman that fits that description has the same personality and will all take a dislike to the same person? Or is it more likely that the common denominator here is you?

Do these women tend to rule everyone around them? Are they the intimidating type that people generally just follow? Maybe if you're the type of person who is more shepherd than sheep they can see that and don't like it. Which I'd be proud of by the way 😉

By the way I'm a huge introvert and tend to find extroverts very irritating and tiring to be around. If you feel the same way maybe they just know you don't like them?

Ah, it's that secret agreement between short loud women Heard a lot about this. Funny, because if there's someone loud but tall, or short but quiet, it doesn't seem to happen.

It will almost certainly by a dynamic you are either creating or imagining. Perhaps after the first time it happened you project those behaviour patterns onto women who vaguely remind you of the first girl and they pick up on your hostility. Perhaps it’s a certain type of woman who picks up that you’re the ‘prefer men’ type. Perhaps you just don’t like this type of person or see them as a threat and it’s then easier for you to imagine that they’re the one with the issue.

I always think in whatever situation, be it work or social, there will always be one you just dont see eye to eye with. It doesnt mean anthing, its just life. It doesnt have to be a big thing, and I never make a song and dance about it but yes, "theres always one"! Im sure im sometimes "the one" in other peoples minds although Im never mean to anyone or anything, as I say its just life that you dont see eye to eye with everyone unfortunately. As long as you're pleasant and polite try not to worry

There might be some element of you carrying something over into each group that these people are picking up on. There might also be an element of the queen bee type figure you describe perhaps not knowing what to make of you. Perhaps your face belies some kind of reserve towards them until you know them better, or comes across as you see through them and don't particularly like that type of loud person. Maybe a mix of the two. Perhaps you make them feel insecure in some way.

I think you've gone over these relationships and tried to find the common denominators in their behaviour, being as honest as you can to give us as much information as possible to try and work out what it is. I don't think we can though. I don't know what you can do about it.

You sound judgy and a bit bitter/jealous

From most of the replies here, you've managed to get people's backs up with just one post.

I'd hazard a guess that you're doing much the same in real life.

Well you’re the common denominator so...
do you think maybe you are expecting the short (wtf?) pretty girl who is an extrovert (how you manage to make that sound like an insult is strange) to take a dislike to you, therefore you’re colder or stand offish to her?

I stopped reading at short but loud. Oddball.

I would hazard it has become a self fulfilling prophecy You have perceived (whether correctly or incorrectly) that there is a certain type of woman who doesn't like you. Consequently you don;t like a certain type of woman and you will be iving off that vibe whether you know it or not. People pick up whne someone is wary of them or doesn't like them.

If you read back over your post, you will see how ridiculous it sounds. You keep mentioning these women are short. Surely you can see that being short is a complete irrelevance - but already you made it clear you are wary of short women and make certain assumtions about them. As a fellow short woman that would get my back up, and if someone said to me ' you are one of those short women who .......' I would think they were totally mad. You are also short but of course you are an exception to the short stereotype.

You are betraying your prejudice in some obvious and very probably some more subtle ways. Try treating each new person you meet as an individual. Even the way you describe the ways men and women treat you betrays an underlying fixed conception (men are nice enough, women are neutral). Before you even know people you are categorising them and interpreting their behaviour to fit your prejudices.

I also think you are projecting these negative traits onto every short, loud, popular woman you meet.
The statement about preferring men's company to women s doesn't bode well.
Think about it.
If you entered a room and told everyone, nothing personal but I tend to get on much better with white people, do you think the black or Asian people in the room would gravitate towards you, or give you a wide berth?

It's actually not the first time the OP has posted about getting on better with men and women being jealous of her.

I too think it's possibly projection. Could be delusion though, it's really difficult to say without knowing someone in real life.

Sometimes these things have a lot to do with body language too.

Thanks for the ones who posted kind replies.

Just to make a few clarifications:

1. Yes I do realize I am the common denominator of course, which is WHY I made this thread to work out what it might be about me and which is why I wrote about my personality etc to see if anyone can figure out what it is about me that's causing it.

Obviously, I think my behaviour is fine (otherwise I'd have changed it by now) but quite clearly it's not but I can't read these people's minds and asking them hasn't helped either (they usually deny treating me different) which is why I've asked here as perhaps others have been the loud type who have thought this about another woman like me so you might know what it is that "turns you off" I guess.

I know I can't exactly capture my entire personality in a post and that me reporting on my personality is incredibly subjective but that's the best I can do.

Also, I am definitely not saying all short women are loud.. esp considering I've said I'm short but not extremely loud. I am just pointing out that these are the only common traits between the females who've behaved that way towards me.

• I definitely do not go around saying I prefer men's company etc. because I really don't and even if I am talking to a man and a woman at the same time, I often look at the woman a bit more than at the man when I talk to both as I know a lot of women can pick up on little observations and I'd worry they'd wrongly believe I was ignoring them, not paying much attention etc. and I quite honestly do prefer the company of women if anything but for me, it seems to take far too more work/effort to build the friendship and it doesn't naturally develop whereas with men it naturally gets there (and no it's not always because they want to sleep with me as a lot of them are married and happily speak about their wives, partners etc to me).

And to the person who sarcastically said don't tall loud women or short quiet women behave this way - answer is: yup they really don't. I know that's incredibly odd but I've met loud tall women and they've been ok with me as well as introvert short women. I'm not saying this is a world wide rule of course but it has applied to me in every job and every school, uni, etc. I've been at.

OP your description of the "type" you don't like shows who you are.