Ffs. I cannot cope with my almost 13 year old.

[losenotloose]

I've had enough. It's the same shit every weekend. He doesn't have anything to do at the weekend and he refuses to do anything. I end up having to threaten him to get him to go out. I don't want to be stuck inside all day and I don't think it's good for him either. Some of you may think just let him stay at home but I'm fed up of feeling like he can dictate our life. He did swimming lessons for ages and every fucking Sunday involved a massive row about going. Not just normal I don't want to go like ds2 but massive, relentless shit. I just want to cry and throw him out right now.

Wow, that sounds dysfunctional. Why does he need to 'Do anything'? I don't feel like doing much on my days off either! What would you like him to be doing? Is it that you want help with chores, or that you'd like him to join in with 'family time', or that you're worried his inactivity is unhealthy?

Is he on screens and doesn't want to come off whatever he is doing?

Just leave him at home and go out yourself.

He's a tennager (nearly) they want to stay in their pit and message their friends. He'll emerge from his cocoon a beautiful butterfly in about 5-7 years.

He's old enough to be left behind if you want to go out. So go out and leave him at home.
We never did loads with our DSs - financial reasons. Let him game or ride a bike or read. Or just have down time. But you go out and do your own thing if you want to.
It's not worth the battle, truly.
Have some . Hope you feel better soon.
They do get better with age.

No judging from me, feel exactly the same, and was going to start a similar thread.

I’m sitting here thinking that I don’t get any pleasure from being his mum right now, every single thing is a battle.

When he is in the right frame of mind we can talk about my expectations - which in my opinion are pretty low, homework done and bag ready for the morning by 8.30, get up and get ready for school/football without an argument. Yet every single day, it’s a chore to get him to do the simplest things.

He said, I need to stop reminding him, he knows what needs doing, and he’ll do it. So on Thursday, I spoke to him once about what he needed to, said I won’t be reminding him, I know he’s capable etc. Of course, 9.45, meltdown because he had homework to do and was too tired to do it!

Actually breaks my heart, because when he has a break from the stroppy teenager, he is the kindest, sweetest boy. I read something on the teen girl thread, where someone’s mum said to them as a teen, that I’ll always love you, but doesn’t mean I’ll always like you/your behaviours, and I think that sums up my feelings.

No advice I’m afraid, but reassurance that you’re not alone in feeling like that.

My son is 14, we have dropped the weekend swimming and tennis lessons over the last 6 months os so as it was causing too many arguments. I stopped when I realised it was me creating the situation and the argument not him.

He doesnt dictate my life. I have been shopping this morning and done some gardening, in the next half or so I'm off to the allotment for a few hours and then to the gym. Yes he will be on the PS4 this afternoon but he has done his paper round, changed his bedding and put his washing on and done an hours homework. So he wants to chill out now, pointless creating a situation out of it.

I think you need to look at why you want him to do things. He's growing up, life changes and moves on, I think its hard for parents to accept that sometimes but you can't control them forever.
Family life needs to evolve. Yes we are spending most of our day apart but we always have nice brunches at the weekends so have a gossip and tonight we will either watch a movie or the athletics together.

Thanks for the replies. It's not just about the going out. He's just so unreasonable. He fights against any rules e.g. one day a week tech free. He has to have things his way or he's relentless. I can't relax around him, sadly.

Would he say your rules are reasonable, do you think? We've dialled stuff like that right down, especially at the weekend. For eg today he HAD to get an eye test and a haircut, which he moaned about, but did. So the rest of the day is his to do with as he likes. As long as he clears the table after he's eaten and fed the dog, his weekend is essentially his time.

Were the rules agreed or imposed?

@Myfanwyprice

See homework IS something that needs doing! The way to a teenagers heart is usually through the wifi. Have you tried changing the password on a Saturday morning? When his homework is completed to a high standard you can change it back and he can zone out the rest of the weekend.

He will do things like tidy his room etc but he doesn't want to go out. And it's the same in the holidays, so we can end up spending three days in the house. Ds2 is 10 and much more amenable but if ds1 insists on staying in ds2 wants to as well.

@losenotloose

Is their dad around? Does he back you up? What sort of thing would you like to go out and do? When I was 13 my parents idea of a great day out was an art gallery or a National Trust property. The thought of which actually made me want to die. A waterpark or Go Ape or bowling, on the other hand would have been great!

furry you would think so, but at his most stubborn, he would rather sit in silence with no phone/x box than admit that I’m right and it’s best just to get on and get the homework done. It is definitely a battle of wills with him at the moment. Lots of conversations about how he can’t just cruise through school and needs to put an effort in.

I’m thinking about back to basics and drawing up a schedule with rewards if he sticks to it, has anyone had success doing this with an older child?

He fights against any rules e.g. one day a week tech free.

That’s a pretty strict rule. Is there a reason for it? I would hate to have something like that imposed on me.

When you say things have to be his way, what do you mean exactly?

I don't think one day a week tech free is strict at all. I think more kids could so with being much more tech free.

I’m not saying there shouldn’t be limits on screen-time. But a whole day?
What do you achieve other than pissing him off?

It's one day out of seven. One day.

I think the thing about one day tech free is it seems totally arbitrary. 'I have decided you will do this because it is good for you.' That would grind my gears and I'm a reasonable adult who can recognise that being unplugged is good for me.

I think you have to pick your battles with teenagers, OP. Does it really matter if he doesn't want to go out? Just leave him to it.

I understand that he pushes back against rules as well, and that's not great, but can you stop and reflect on whether the rules are actually reasonable? Does he understand the reasons for them, or does he just see it as a battle of the wills which he will inevitably want to win?

Its so hard isn't it, my DS is a year younger than yours and it gets so frustrating when they dont want to go out. I was where you are a year ago (he was then coming up to 11). I also have a younger DS who has just turned 9 and typically on a Saturday neither of them want to do anything. These days I am having to let it go though, DS1 has some anxiety/anger issues and I've come to the conclusion that its a case of picking your battles. Luckily they both do football on a Sunday, as well as twice during the week. Think the not wanting to go out thing is fairly typical, my nephew is13 and doesn''t usually get up before 3 on a Saturday.

I think twelve year old children don’t get to dictate the rules but it might become easier if there was a family activity as part of a routine. That could be once a month we all go to the cinema on a Friday evening, that every Saturday afternoon we go for a walk together and every Sunday we all help cook the Sunday lunch with the children taking it in turns to choose and cook pudding.
I absolutely don’t think a screen free day is unreasonable or overly strict but it might be better to limit to two hours a day.

I do feel your pain. I've been through it with mine. I gave up on banning tech (apart from bedtime in the week) and insisting we go out. Life is so much better and because I pick my battles I've got much more sway when things HAVE to be done.
I'm really outdoorsy and when my children were little I couldn't wait to get them indulging in my passions... thing is they were MY passions. Now I just ask if he has any plans other than sitting in his underpants on a weekend

It's his home, I don't see why he should have to go out if he doesn't want to. My son is a couple of years older and although he will sometimes go out with friends to the cinema for example, he doesn't want to just hang around the street. I don't blame him and I'm pleased he doesn't. He spends a lot of time at home on his computer. However, he's a good lad who is nice to be around.

Can I ask why you have a day where no tech is allowed? Is it maybe a bit of a pointless rule? I wouldn't want to be told I couldn't use my phone or iPad on Saturdays, just because. I can see why he's not happy with that rule. I think it would be better if you said he could have X amount of time on tech each day and not ban it for a whole day, it seems pointless. Most people, especially kids will argue with pointless rules.

Our rules are that as long as homework and revision is done on time, he visits family with us, does anything I ask like feed the pets, make his bed, then his time is his own. He knows that he has to have a break from screens every couple of hours. He's happy with this and we don't really have any issues.

Is the no tech rule just for him or does it apply to everyone in the household? Including you?

To be honest if you're feeling like you want to throw him out because he won't go on outings at the weekend and wants to be online, you have some pretty major issues you need to sort.

He tidies up after himself and wants the same as most other teens - a lot of parents would give their eye teeth for a kid like that.

Why is it an issue for you?

Non-negotiable things are keeping clean, doing homework, behaving at school, taking an age-appropriate responsibility for something at home. Outings and an internet free day, whilst nice if everyone benefits, are pretty awful if one person is creating so much that their parent wants to throw them out.

Do you all eat together? Can you have a family meeting over a pizza and you all agree to house rules - and the kids get to make some rules up as well?

But seriously don't force him out of his room other than for mealtimes if he doesn't want to. Sounds like you need to re-evaluate priorities now that he's beyond the young child stage.