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Original poster

Ffs. I cannot cope with my almost 13 year old.

114 replies

losenotloose · 02/03/2019 14:22

I've had enough. It's the same shit every weekend. He doesn't have anything to do at the weekend and he refuses to do anything. I end up having to threaten him to get him to go out. I don't want to be stuck inside all day and I don't think it's good for him either. Some of you may think just let him stay at home but I'm fed up of feeling like he can dictate our life. He did swimming lessons for ages and every fucking Sunday involved a massive row about going. Not just normal I don't want to go like ds2 but massive, relentless shit. I just want to cry and throw him out right now.

OP posts:
JayneyMc4 · 02/03/2019 16:50

I am now on my 4th teenager; learn to choose your battles. Why do you want him to come on outings where he'll be miserable? Leave him at home and enjoy quality time with your younger child, you can't expect everyone to share the same interests, you seem quite controlling. Set rules regards bedtime, homework and phone off at say 10pm but calm yourself down ffs, he's your child not your prisoner.

TheTurnOfTheScrew · 02/03/2019 16:52

I think enforcing activities is unreasonable for kids of this age, but I don't think limiting his gaming is. He can chose not to join in with the rest of the family, but being plugged into a screen all day should not be the alternative option.

My DC1 is a little younger, but responds well to what I suppose is ultimately a thinly-veiled bribe - if she comes with me to see a film we both want to watch then I pay her and buy the snacks, which would come out of her cash if she went with friends.

chiefmummabear · 02/03/2019 16:55

Maybe she is thinking of his mental health. It isn’t good to be “plugged in” all day. He had been staring at screen/gaming all morning so I think it’s understandable that she want him to do something else.

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BartonHollow · 02/03/2019 17:00

To be honest, at the same age, if all school work was done and nothing eventful happening socially I didn't get dressed and I watched Dawson's Creek 😂

What did you do on weekends at 12 OP? Because if it's schoolwork and vegging on the couch watching Dawson's Creek or similar it's a bit unfair to insist he's out doing just so he's not underfoot.

Original poster
losenotloose · 02/03/2019 17:16

He doesn't make plans Dermy, I wish he did! We've only recently started the tech free Friday thing and I let dc choose the day.

I know they would hate it if I allowed no tech in the morning til we've been out and would feel bad doing it to them, although it would probably work!

I disagree about just letting them game all day. Ds1 ends up playing for around 5 hours sat/Sun which I think is plenty. They watch a couple of hours tv too so it adds up to a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
losenotloose · 02/03/2019 17:20

The thing about going to the park is I ask them for suggestions and make my own and they don't say yes to anything! The park is a last resort after suggesting swimming, ice skating, museum etc. And if I suggest he go to the gym or table tennis with a friend be says no.

I get he just wants to stay at home but it's bitter experience that's taught me it doesn't end well.

OP posts:
Fraula · 02/03/2019 17:23

Has this been going on for a long time? Google PDA (pathological demand avoidance) and see if it fits.

Original poster
losenotloose · 02/03/2019 17:31

It has Fraula. I've looked up pda before and some of the description fits but not all. For instance, he wasn't passive when he was younger. I remember a time when he was around 5 and I told him to watch out for the dog poo so he stood on it on purpose! And throughout the whole of primary school he would ask for sweets from the shop almost daily and then have a tantrum if I said no. It was a relief not to have to collect him from school anymore!

I've often wondered if he has adhd because he matches a lot of the criteria.

OP posts:
Ted27 · 02/03/2019 17:34

Why don't you arrange things in advance instead of just saying get ready we are going out now. Would he be interested in going to a sporting event, go karting, escape room, Bouldering, bowling. But honestly at 13 going out with your mum is really embarrasing. My son will only go out with me if there is no chance of being seen by his friends. He would rather do homework than go for a walk round the park. He doesnt even go for a walk in the park with his mates.

multiplemum3 · 02/03/2019 17:34

Why are you so insistent ln a teenager going out with you? Take your younger one and just leave him be.

JayneyMc4 · 02/03/2019 17:38

This thread is getting ridiculous, trying to find some disorder to label this boy. He's 12/13 so what if he doesn't want forced into activities by his controlling mother!! Give him some breathing space, not many teenagers want to do 'activities' with their mum and 10 yr old brother. He sounds a decent lad, stick to homework, chores rules but stop trying to force him to do what you want, if your DH wanted you to do something completely uninteresting to you, would you blindly do it? I doubt it, stop the drama.

Original poster
losenotloose · 02/03/2019 17:42

Ted it makes no difference. We make plans in advance and agree what we're doing and then when it comes to it I get the same behaviour. Believe it or not he hasn't got to the stage where he's embarrassed, he tells me himself. Things like go karting are bloody expensive so great for one offs but couldn't be a regular thing, sadly.

OP posts:
thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 17:44

Im with the op. I don't think she'd mind so.much if he weren't screen obsessed and 12 is still fairly young. I would not leave a 12 year old all day and neither would I wish to tied to the house because he didn't want to go out

Original poster
losenotloose · 02/03/2019 17:46

He is a good lad at heart Jaynie but I'm not prepared to spend every weekend and holiday stuck at home. I'm not forcing him to do what I like, I'm asking him what he'd like to do and he says nothing! I don't think I'm controlling, as I said half his friends aren't allowed to game during the week, he plays for two hours every weekday, 5 hours at the weekend, isn't forced to do any activities, doesn't get told when he has to do his homework, stays up late at the weekend. How is that controlling?!

OP posts:
Original poster
losenotloose · 02/03/2019 17:47

Thank you thebeesknees!

OP posts:
DauntlessFaction · 02/03/2019 17:48

I get he just wants to stay at home but it's bitter experience that's taught me it doesn't end well.

But if you let him on his tech more he'll probably feel like life is a bit better and fairer.

thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 17:50

He's on it enough

fleshmarketclose · 02/03/2019 17:58

Why not go out without him if you really don't want to be home? Once they hit teens the last thing they want to do is be seen out of the house with their parents. IME you can either engage in many battles at the expense of your relationship or you can save the battles for the big stuff, build a solid relationship that enables you to talk about the petty stuff and come to compromises.

MsOtisRegrets · 02/03/2019 18:00

I agree with Janey - pick your battles. I would stand firm on the things that matter - sleep, school work, sensible amount of screen time. Otherwise let him stay in his room if he wants. Don't let it restrict the rest of the family. In all honesty I think having a no tec day is simply creating rules/problems for little benefit - no tec at meals but all evening is a bit forced and will only make him more resentful and therefore difficult.

JaneEyre07 · 02/03/2019 18:04

I found mine were so busy all week with noise, school and routine that they were desperate just to sit and do nothing all weekend. It's really tough when their bodies are changing so rapidly, I'd really be tempted to restrict the gaming time and let the going out be. He could also be really self conscious about being seen with his parents.

They are kids for such a short time, even though it doesn't feel like it at the time. I really miss the days when mine were always just mooching around the house in their PJ's at the weekend.

PUGaLUGS · 02/03/2019 18:06

At 13 surely he can make his own decisions he as to what he wants to do all day?

I think you are over invested in his time.

Go about your own day and leave him to get on with it.

JayneyMc4 · 02/03/2019 18:10

Controlling; as in you expect him to fit in with your plans and expectations; do you remember being a teenager? Nobody wants to go on activities with parents, go enjoy time with your younger son and maybe when he sees you both having fun he might come along occasionally. You need to accept he's his own person who has his own opinions and choices to make. Few families do things all together, just because you want to doesn't mean he has to.

Shockers · 02/03/2019 18:19

Things I’d try: get a trampoline for the garden, so he’s tempted to do something active, even when he’s not feeling like going out.

Ask him to help set his own boundaries, and a homework timetable.

Look for ways to praise him, however small, every day.

titchy · 02/03/2019 18:21

I'm not prepared to spend every weekend and holiday stuck at home.

You don't have to Confused

Look let him stay at home. He's gonna bicker anyway according to you. As an aside is he hungry? Teen boys need bucket loads of food, and are always snappy when hungry. So leave him at home and stuff him!

DauntlessFaction · 02/03/2019 18:21

How is that controlling?!

I don't think you are controlling. You sound like a really nice mum who wants to spend time with your children. But I think that you are treating him like a younger child. Most 13 year olds don't want to do activities/days out/walks with their parents. Some are hanging around the street often causing trouble and many just want to be lazy at home watching YouTube. It's just a stage, social life often picks up at 15/16 and then along come the other issues.

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