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Original poster

Ffs. I cannot cope with my almost 13 year old.

114 replies

losenotloose · 02/03/2019 14:22

I've had enough. It's the same shit every weekend. He doesn't have anything to do at the weekend and he refuses to do anything. I end up having to threaten him to get him to go out. I don't want to be stuck inside all day and I don't think it's good for him either. Some of you may think just let him stay at home but I'm fed up of feeling like he can dictate our life. He did swimming lessons for ages and every fucking Sunday involved a massive row about going. Not just normal I don't want to go like ds2 but massive, relentless shit. I just want to cry and throw him out right now.

OP posts:
twosoups1972 · 02/03/2019 15:42

OP, what do YOU like to do at the weekends? Can't you do something you enjoy with your partner/friends? I understand your pain, we used to go out more as a family when my dc were smaller but now they're teens/pre-teens they have their own ideas about how to spend their weekend. A week at school is tiring for some children, sometimes they need time to just be rather than do stuff.

Original poster
losenotloose · 02/03/2019 15:44

Furry his dad is around and does back me up, luckily.

I'm open to doing anything, I make suggestions and ask him what he'd like to do and he says nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
losenotloose · 02/03/2019 15:52

Wow, I didn't see the other replies! Half of his friends aren't allowed to game Mon-Thursday so I don't think one tech free is a big deal. And yes, it does apply to me and dh as well, plus they're allowed to watch telly. It's on a Friday evening so just a few hours.

The going out is just one issue, it's more that he makes life unbearable if things don't go his way and has done for many years. I understand that he's almost a teenager now so needs more independence etc but it's not new. Bedtime is argued over, not having his phone at bedtime, spending more than 5 minutes doing his homework. I could go on.

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itbemay1 · 02/03/2019 15:52

My 13yo doesn't do much at the weekends, he has a class sat 9-12 then rest of weekend is up to him, he can choose what he wants to do. Sometimes he spends time with me, his dad or just chilling in him room, Xbox or meet friends. He will also help me out with house chores if I have lots to do. I would never expect him to do anything. He work hard at school all week so I just leave him be. OP i would stop stressing about it.

itbemay1 · 02/03/2019 15:53

Added for context he is my second teenager so maybe I am more relaxed.

DauntlessFaction · 02/03/2019 16:06

Bedtime is argued over, not having his phone at bedtime, spending more than 5 minutes doing his homework. I could go on.

Is his bedtime age appropriate? If so, just stick with it. If everything else is reasonable, like no phones from half hour before bed for example then I've always found if we've explained why and not just made rules for the sake of it, they will accept it. What has also helped us is having a bit of flexibility at times as well. So bedtime might be 10.30 on school nights but Friday and Saturday can be later. In the holidays he can have a few nights where he can stay gaming til whenever he likes, sometimes 3am. He knows that when we can be more lenient we are and that's meant he knows when we say it's time for bed on a school night he accepts it.

Homework isn't negotiable at all. It has to be completed on time and to a good standard. Now he's in his GCSE years he can see that working hard is paying off. He's free to do his homework whenever he wants as long as it's done on time but I do check he's got a plan of when he's doing it. Again just stick with it, maybe no tech until homework is done as a bit of an incentive. It's hard though.

Awrite · 02/03/2019 16:18

I have a boy who would rather never leave the house. He's just a homebody.

13 year olds are hard work. My reckoning is that the week is mega busy and stressful so weekends we do nothing. Total chill time.

Life has become a lot easier now that we have ceased weekend activities like swimming.

Awrite · 02/03/2019 16:18

Oh, and we have long established screen time limits so my kids are not on their screens all weekend.

wwwwwwwwwwwwww · 02/03/2019 16:18

What do you do if he doesn't follow the rules. Maybe you need to stop arguing /getting stressed / reminding him and just enforce consequences. Have a real think about the rules you think are essential. Let him know what the consequences are if he doesn't do them. Other than enforcing that try to make all your interactions positive and affirming. It might not work but it sounds like your at the end of your tether so maybe worth reframing things.

wwwwwwwwwwwwww · 02/03/2019 16:20

I totally love staying at home though. Is it a big deal if he doesn't go out?

SheldonandMama · 02/03/2019 16:26

I agree. If he doesn't get into the habit of being active for at least part of the day now, while he is still developing, it becomes a lot harder later. He isn't suddenly going to become more active at 15. Even if it's just for a walk. At this age they seem to pull back on activities and focus more on online activity than when younger.

Original poster
losenotloose · 02/03/2019 16:27

awrite one of the problems I have with staying at home all day is inevitably it ends in boredom, bickering etc. I've made the mistake many times of allowing an at home day and regretting it. I think that's one of the reasons I'm adamant we go out!

OP posts:
thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 16:34

Ds is like this and he's only 10. Doesn't really want to go out unless friend comes and likes chilling at home.

He argues over simplest things, too.

I have an older teenaged dd too but she is different. Likes to get out and about.

Original poster
losenotloose · 02/03/2019 16:34

I'll use today as an example. Ds woke up at 8, watched tv till 9 then gaming til 11. I told him to switch it off so we could get ready to go out. I asked him where would he like to go. Nowhere. I told him we'd go to the park for a walk. This is where the trouble starts. I want to stay at home. We've already discussed that if we don't go out then he can't do anymore gaming so I said ok but no more gaming. This is where he starts getting rude, kicks a bean bag chair, hits the wall as he goes upstairs then shouting. I told him no gaming today as a consequence of the behaviour so he starts with I hate you, there's something wrong with you etc.

OP posts:
thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 16:36

It's not Fortnite, is it?

Original poster
losenotloose · 02/03/2019 16:38

One of the biggest problems we have is his reaction to consequences. So even if we've discussed what the consequence will be, his reaction is so ott he ends up getting more sanctions

OP posts:
Original poster
losenotloose · 02/03/2019 16:38

No, ark.

OP posts:
pusspuss9 · 02/03/2019 16:41

I have to say that when I was a teenager (many years ago now) I would have hated having to go out with my parents. Just being seen tagging along with them like some little kid was very 'uncool'.

It's different occasionally with a particular purpose in mind, but just going out for a walk with them, then no. None of my friends did that either.

Isawthesignanditopenedupmyeyes · 02/03/2019 16:43

So he wants to stay at home and game all day and you want him to go out? Personally I’d just let him get on with it, pick your battles.

chiefmummabear · 02/03/2019 16:43

Do it the other way around. Have the internet turned off first thing, say he can have it on after you have been out, or he has done something outdoorsy to help. Doesn’t have to be a huge trip, but I totally agree they need to get out a bit, or everyone can suffer from cabin fever. That’s what I did with mine. They didn’t like it much, but it did work.

thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 16:43

He sounds addicted. Mine was to Roblox. Wonder if it's a boy thing.

My dd is the same with consequences in that it's counterproductive so have to use a different approach. Unfortunately, dh doesn't agree which makes 4 fireworks in this house

Dermymc · 02/03/2019 16:44

The tech free Friday night is a bit rubbish, how is he supposed to make plans for Saturday?

I think you need to sit down with him when he's calm and come to some family rules, which you both compromise on. Your expectations sound quite high.

DauntlessFaction · 02/03/2019 16:46

told him we'd go to the park for a walk. This is where the trouble starts.

I don't know many 13 year olds that would really want to go for a walk in the park with their parents. Sorry.
When out son got to around 12, he no longer wanted to do stuff like this. He also stopped coming shopping with us or on any small outings. Most kids I know from around 12/13 onwards spend most of their time on tech. He might start socialising more in another year or so but then you might wish you had back that child who was happy at home. Honestly, I'd just let him on his phone etc more if it was me. It's what kids do. First I'd sit down with him and go through the things that you expect of him like homework, any jobs around the house, being respectful, going to bed without an issue. If he does all these he gets more time on tech. As a pp said, pick your battles.

be47 · 02/03/2019 16:47

Honestly, I would have hated this as a teenager. I wasn't 'addicted' to gaming, but I wanted my own time and not to be forced into walking round the park with my mum. I was exhausted a lot of the time from school and needed time to chill

My normal weekends included a mix of:
Doing homework
Reading (I averaged a book a day when I was 14, those were the days!)
Seeing friends (/boyfriend when I was older)
Spending lovely, VOLUNTARY time with my parents
Walking the dog

My mum realised our time together was much more pleasant when it wasn't forced which meant we have lots of good memories from those years

ScarletBitch · 02/03/2019 16:47

Stand your ground, unplug the router and make it very clear what the rules of the house are. If he is not prepared to do as he is told then he can sit in his room with nothing to do until he starts listening.

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