Ffs. I cannot cope with my almost 13 year old.

[losenotloose]

I've had enough. It's the same shit every weekend. He doesn't have anything to do at the weekend and he refuses to do anything. I end up having to threaten him to get him to go out. I don't want to be stuck inside all day and I don't think it's good for him either. Some of you may think just let him stay at home but I'm fed up of feeling like he can dictate our life. He did swimming lessons for ages and every fucking Sunday involved a massive row about going. Not just normal I don't want to go like ds2 but massive, relentless shit. I just want to cry and throw him out right now.

PDA is an extreme condition and quite rare. I know several people with children with PDA, they are school refusers, parents unable to work, extreme levels of anxiety which mean they are housebound, refusal to wash, clean teeth, change clothes , thats the tip of the ice berg. If your son did have PDA the last thing you would be doing is attempting to force him to go out.

My son has autism, I have two sets of friends, the ones whose kids have autism, and the ones who dont. What we have in common is kids who argue about bedtime, homework, screentime.
Your son is trying to exert his independence. You need to accept his right to do so. Yes your weekends sound a bit rubbish, so you need to change the dynamic. At the moment you are creating the conflict, not him. It took me a long time to realise that.

Take the younger child out, go about your day. Its not a battle worth fighting at the expense of your relationship

A trampoline is something we'd like to get but we've recently moved in and our garden needs a lot of work!

titchy he has free access to food and hoovers it up after school!

Why can’t he just stay at home? I don’t take my 14yo anywhere on a weekend, she’d rather be in her room reading

Maybe reset your expectations a bit, and just go out alone or with younger DC

I used to go swimming with DSs, we had not been for a year or two and I absentmindedly asked if they fancied to come along (they are 14 and 16), the look of horror on their faces was so funny ..."ehmmm, no offense mum, but going swimming with your mum at 14 is.. kinda weird"

As is walking around aimlessly in the park.... with your mum

Sometimes you just forget how quickly they are changing at this age

I do strike deals with them about walking the dog, but there is a purpose to that (dog needs walk). If you tell your DS you have to all go out now, but you are not even sure where, no wonder he gets stroppy as it's random and pointless.

Do you and DH have a tech free day as well by the way?

Teens hate random, pointless, unfair situations more than anything.

Ask him what he thinks would be fair, talk to him and with him instead of laying down rules. I find parenting changes a lot with teens, and mine respond much better to "the dog will need to walk this pm, can you walk her? Any time before 6?" Than "right. You need to come for a walk now"

Do talk to.him about bad behaviour/reactions though as obv that is not on

But seriously, walking in the park with mother...is not what teenagers love

I think there are 2 separate issues here. One is the general teenage autonomy thing, which is important. However, tech is a problem. It's so addictive and apathy-inducing (sometimes I find myself unable to lift my bottom off the sofa if my laptop is on my lap so can totally relate to that) and sometimes we need balance and if we can't self-regulate that, an intervention to restore a bit of balance in our lives

I was adamant today that we all needed to get out in the fresh air. DS1, who is 13, didn't want to come but I explained that it was important he got outside and made some Vit D and that if he was incapable of making a rational decision to do something good for himself, as a responsible adult I would make it for him (and would turn off the wifi and take away his phone so being at home would be really boring.) He asked if we could go to park and play football rather than going for a walk as I had suggested and when we got back, he thanked me for making him go and said he wanted to do it every Saturday. (I know that next Saturday he'll be as reluctant to go but I'll persist)

The thing is you’re asking him what he wants to do and when he tells you (he wants to do nothing) you insist that’s the one thing he can’t do. Of course he’s kicking off.

Find something he’d enjoy with his peers/without you and facilitate it (cadets, coding course, cooking class, climbing wall membership, whatever really).

Would he like a job? Paper round? Dog walking for a neighbour? Bit of independence and money, plus sneaking exercise and fresh air in.

Set adult type boundaries; you must attend school and do your school work, take yourself to bed when you need so you can get up for school, etc.

Just to add what another poster said....
Get up and get out beforehand on a Saturday/Sunday morning... maybe offer a cafe/coffee shop bribe.Pick the activity like swimming/bowling/trampoline club go do that then come home and rest of day is his.
If you think about it , if you were offered you could watch your favourite Netflix/book/activity and then half way through you have to stop... you wouldn’t want to, that’s where he’s at.
Reverse your day round.i read you say he’d be a nightmare doing this, well at present he’s a nightmare for you doing the other way.could try it today even, the day is young ?

I think you are getting a hard time. My DS is 14 and we struggle to get him out at the weekend. If left to his own devices he would be on his phone and Xbox from the minute he got up until bedtime. I’ve also got a 10 year old DD who wants to go out & do stuff. In the holidays/weekends etc I do leave him at home for a morning/afternoon etc, but I refuse to let him spend all day on his Xbox as I don’t think it’s good for him & his behaviour is noticeably worse if I do. For me it’s not so much the going out as the fact he seems to not want to do anything else other than gaming all the time. He is much better if we tell him if we are going out the day before & at what time and then he usually is easier to get out but he does have ASD so doesn’t like things being sprung on him at the last minute. Once he is out he normally has a good time and is happy to have gone. For all the posters saying you are controlling I don’t think you are. I don’t think the wanting to stay at home is an issue really as that seems quite normal at that age, but for me the biggest battle is getting my DS to want to do anything else other than gaming.

OP, you've had a million responses asking why you don't just leave him at home and go out. Why don't you? He wants to hang out at home, let him. Maybe just drag him out for lunch one day every other weekend, or take him to a film that HE wants to see, but otherwise just let him be.

I agree tech free Friday night is an odd choice, as I'd expect kids to be messaging their mates or gaming together, but if the DC chose it...?

OP are you and DH tech free on Fridays too? No MN, no streaming movies/tv series etc?

I'm struggling to respond to all the responses! Yes, tech free includes adults. He doesn't message his friends so not an issue. Tv is allowed as I think is less all encompassing and we watch together.

As another poster said it's not so much the staying at home but the lack of interest in anything but technology. If I left him at home whilst I took ds2 out he'd sit gaming all day. Once in a while that's ok but I don't think it's healthy all the time. If I thought I could leave him at home and he'd do other things I'd feel better about it.

To posters asking why don't I get him to do an activity he enjoys at the weekend, he doesn't want to! I wish he did. Is the answer honestly to just leave him at home every weekend gaming? He's 12! I dunno.

@turquoisesea I agree with you- I don’t see op is controlling.ive got an 11yr old ds who loves gaming but at present is still interested in other things ( not many though!) but that will soon change with senior school this year.
I think they do need down time but as op said it’s hard to understand why they want it to be on gaming.i don’t understand that either but it’s their generation.boys do gaming , girls seem to like FaceTiming their friends.
I also see op just wants to engage with her 13 yr old after the hectic week, saturdays/Sunday’s are the time to do that.
I’d like to show my ds that I’m mum/human at the weekend not the nagging “ brush your teeth/do your homework” that I am all week.
Judging by my friends with older ds it starts with the lure of food!! So my thinking is, get up and dressed, get him involved in cooking breakfast at home or go out for breakfast... then maybe he ll chat and you could go onto some other activity.maybe on the Friday night you could discuss breakfast the next morning and go shop for Ingredients?

It’s so hard when you read the news on stabbing and youth crime, I’d be happier my ds are home gaming than out getting stabbed for their phone, terrible times

I'm sort of surprised sort of not (I've read a lot of MN threads!) by the number of replies that seem to more or less advocate just letting your DS spend every second that he's not at school gaming. And all this "when I was a teenager, I would have hated..." Teenagers have very strong views about what they do and don't want and what they will and won't do but that doesn't mean that those views and wants override the process of parenting! I've been a teacher for many years and have had lots of students say things along the lines of "at the time, I thought it was harsh/unfair/whatever but now I am so grateful you set boundaries/made me focus/challenged me".

Would 16 year old DS rather stay indoors and game/watch TV/listen to music? Probably. But every time he gets out and about and does something, he loves the feeling of having got off his arse and challenged himself.

12 is still really young! Keep parenting, OP, and ignore the responses which advocate letting him spend the next six years in his room plugged into a screen. It'd be easier, for sure, to abdicate responsibility in that way.

Instead of asking him what he wants to do, have you tried presenting it as: given that this morning, we ARE all going to go out for a few hours, where would you like to go?

Don't just say "off tech, let's go for a walk" 10 minuted before you want to go out.

My dh suddenly announces he wants a day out and I just don't work that way! If you have tech free time on Fridays, talk to him then, as a family. Tell him you are all going out on Sunday, what options can they all think of.

Then you can use his tech as an incentive. So he gets to stay on an hour longer on Friday night IF he goes out the previous Sunday. Once it becomes regular, you can drop the incentive.

I find planning this way works wonders. I have a dd on the spectrum, and we rarely go out spontaneously as she needs time to prepare mentally.

Thank you thank you,thecrown and theliving! I don't want to sound dismissive but he never wants to join in cooking. Eating yes, cooking no!

I can't see it as right to just leave him gaming all weekend. 5 hours on each day seems like loads already. I try planning in advance and he seems all willing until the time comes and then he kicks off.

I saw a woman recently who a couple of years ago had advised I put ds computer in his room to keep him out of the way, going on about how great it was (her ds is 3 years older than mine). She was now saying what a problem it had become, he doesn't leave his room, is borrowing money off of people to buy stuff on the games etc.

TheOnly

I agree with shockers you should prioritise the garden and a trampoline. Get him helping to sort out the garden if it needs proper digging. My nephew of a similar bounces all his frustration out on his (he also plays football and rides his bike if they are good options?)

I can understand that he shouldn't be gaming the whole time - 100% agree with that and also understand that if you were to go out without him he would possibly (probably) be back in the tech stuff the minute the front door closed. I also see that at that age most teenagers don't want to be trailing along with their mum /parents for a few hours. Honestly I don't think that I've ever known a teenager that did that willingly - except for a specific purpose of course.

There has to be a middle way of him getting out doing something he enjoys without the tagging along with the family. My grandchildren do stuff with their friends but that could also include tech stuff. They also play football, jogging, going to the gym and just hanging out.

Duchess I'd love to get stuck into the garden but honestly, it's going to require a skip and completely redoing. He won't do anything organised activity. He has a gym membership but won't go at the weekend, even though he has a friend he could go with. I totally get that trailing around with your mum and little brother isn't fun or interesting but I've got nothing to work with! Bloody hell, most of his friends do multiple clubs every week and I can't even get him to go for a walk. How do they manage?!

I don’t have teenagers yet (eldest DC is 10 but with her attitude you’d think she was) but when I was a teenager, my Mum was a nightmare.

She’s extroverted. I’m the eldest of 5. Her friends and their DC would spend all bloody weekend at our house, or us at theirs, or off out doing things.

All I wanted to do was sit in the lounge, or my bedroom, and read or watch videos or study. I was a total nerd and loved nothing more than doing my homework in peace.

My Mum couldn’t grasp why I didn’t want to sit baking in the sun on the garden all day long, or why I wanted to study, or sit in peace and quiet with a book. I wasn’t asking for money, wasn’t going out with my friends, wasn’t using tech. I find socialising fucking exhausting, I find hot weather fucking exhausting. And I was knackered from working so hard at school.

I ended up moving in with my Dad who’s also an introvert and we got along so well and I was much, much happier. My Mum told him I was a pain in the arse who wouldn’t do as I was told and he’d send me back within a fortnight. Dads opinion of me was that he’d struck gold I loved school, no behaviour issues, no going getting drunk like most teenagers did in my town, no wanting friends over constantly, no need to constantly entertain me.

Can you just try and accept that your DS might be different to you? Maybe he prefers down time. Maybe he doesn’t want to socialise. Or go for walks or go to clubs etc.

Why would a teenager want to go for a walk though? It sounds like youre badgering him constantly, fair enough make restrictions on gaming but stop forcing him to do things he doesn't want to.

I had this, it did my head in.
So I just stopped myself causing the arguements.
I go out alone, and they actually call and ask where I am.
I do movie nights, pizza , popcorn and drinks, even veg and dips, the food and us laughing soon started to draw them down from the den upstairs.
You will find if left children sleep till noon, so as a teenager they get their sleep.
Do your no internet on a Sunday night, tell him that 6 till 9, he finishes his homework, packs for school ect
If he argues, use the agreement thing, with him, yes it's not fair, but everyone in the house is doing it, so your not alone and in this thinking, but this has not jumped up on you , you have had 7 days warning.
On the homework best one I ever heard was from the teacher.

The homework and revision is to help you not me, if you don't do it and can't follow the rest of your friends to collage and uni, look in the mirror as there is your problem.

Why would a teenager want to go for a walk though?

My mum used to force me to go on walks as a teen. I’d be in a bad mood because I didn’t want to, and spoiled the atmosphere for everyone. What was the point? She enjoyed walks, therefore in her mind, I should enjoy walks too. But I didn’t. I would have been much happier being left at home.

Yeah turn the tech off every now and again, ask him what else he would like to do and encourage him, but don’t guilt trip or punish. If he just wants to chill while the tech is off then let him chill.

Teenagers just generally don’t want to do very much with their parents, especially in public. They are becoming their own person and trying to figure out who they are. I think it’s important to give them space rather than trying to control.

Gosh, I feel for you. I've tried to read most of the posts and can see (and agree) it's very difficult to find a solution to this.

I have 3 kids, a 14 year old who never wants to go anywhere, ever. Another who will do whatever and one in the middle, happy to stay in but can be coerced to go out and has a lovely time whenever out.

The 14 yr old has Aspergers and depression/anxiety (very recent diagnosis). We have been where you are and the only solution is to not force it. 14yo won't stay in by themselves so we end up doing things separately and then making them go into garden on trampoline just for 'air'

Although your DS has no diagnosed condition, you describe exactly the situation in our house.

Giving my DC autonomy and choice over what they do has helped hugely, but they end up doing nothing but watching a screen. They are heavily in to music and art but a lot of the time has no motivation to do anything.

I think I would seek professional help, I don't mean that they may have a condition, but you need some tactics to try.

I would say (and I had to work at this) try not to be stressed about it and let things slide a little - otherwise it's just a pressure cooker environment? I do really feel for you.

I have to say though I imagine a LOT of teenagers with no outside hobbies are pretty similar - so you are not alone.

Good luck with it all.