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Original poster

Mums of Boys...

137 replies

WithLotsOfSprinkles0 · 28/02/2019 19:54

...please tell me to give my head a wobble.

Ive got a 1 year old DS, I've only ever wanted one child but the things people have been saying lately have been worrying.

Of course he'll be spoilt and lonely like all onlys (Hmm) but also because he's a boy he'll leave me when he gets older and his own family.
Girls go shopping with their mothers when they're older and are close to them, boys aren't apparently. I would just brush thus off but it is actually How it is in my family.

Me and my mum go shopping, have a drink together but my brother barely sees her or texts her.

How has other mums of Boys relationships been? How do you keep in touch when they're older?

OP posts:
abcriskringle · 01/03/2019 17:06

I don't buy it. I am close to my mum but we see DH's parents pretty much the same amount. I have a friend who thinks along similar lines about girls yet she doesn't get on with her mum at all, hardly speaks to her and has moved 4 hours away from her?! So I don't really know why she thinks like that!

AhFeck · 01/03/2019 17:13

I think it depends whether or not you were a good mother. E.g one boy I know goes on holiday and shopping and to his mums for lunch regularly, and she was brilliant with him.

DH doesn't even answer his mother's calls or text messages but she was a heap of shite as a mum so, take from that what you will.

If you have a shit relationship you won't see him when he flies the nest, because there will be nothing for him to stay for IYSWIM.

Deadringer · 01/03/2019 17:40

I have 4 girls and one boy. I am going away with my second eldest DD for a weekend, no way would my son go on holiday with me, not in a million years. We are close, we get on really well and in fact he is the most like me of the 5, but he would never go anywhere with me, full stop. Having said that my eldest DD wouldn't be keen either, so personality does come into it too.

I do think that males tend to distance themselves from their mother a bit when they are growing up, it's the natural order of things imo. It's a stereotype yes but stereotypes can be accurate. I have an elderly mum and lots of siblings, the boys are not nearly as involved in my mum's care as my sisters, and I don't mean just intimate care, i mean appointments, visits etc.

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reallyanotherone · 01/03/2019 17:52

I do think that males tend to distance themselves from their mother a bit when they are growing up, it's the natural order of things imo

If that is true, do they also distance themselves from their fathers? And if it’s “natural order” why don't girls distance themselves from their fathers?

Stereotypes tend to be true when people buy into them. If i had been a boy i am sure people would have pointed to the stereotype. However the reason i moved away and distanced myself from my mother is that she isn’t interested in me as a person, or getting to know me. She expects i should like x, y and z because she does. My sister does like those things, and has stayed near my mother and sees her most days.

I can imaging boys feeling like this. Damaging stereotypes means boys and their mums believe they are too different and don’t bother finding common ground.

It’s common of gender preference threads “but I want a girl because i wouldn’t know what to do with a boy”.

Find stuff that interets them and get involved. Just because they’re a boy son’t assume you’ll hate everything they like...

Pishogue · 01/03/2019 17:54

I have an elderly mum and lots of siblings, the boys are not nearly as involved in my mum's care as my sisters, and I don't mean just intimate care, i mean appointments, visits etc.

Sigh. Were you all brought up without any contact with the still-prevalent sexist ideas of wider society that unpaid caring work, whether for elderly relatives or small children, was 'women's work', while men strode off manfully in the mornings to their jobs because they were the providers, not the bottom-wipers and daytime taxi services?

Whatthefunk · 01/03/2019 18:03

I have one Ds. He's 12. We are really close and laugh like fools. Since he was born people have said, he'll be lonely without a sibling. Spouting rubbish that a daughter is for life, but a son is only yours until he takes a wife. Give me strength....
Yes he spends too much time on his xbox, and can be a bit grumpy, but on the whole he's aceSmile
If anyone offers advice on your choice, tell them to feck off

Deadringer · 01/03/2019 18:24

Pishogue my sisters are actually way more successful than my brothers in the main, they went further in school and have better, more professional careers. I am not talking about actual care, bum wiping and what not, the boys are just not as interested in my mum's welfare as me and my sisters, even though my mother was a wonderful mum to them. Why, i don't know. Anyway that is only my family's experience but it is similar across practically every family I know. I gave an opinion based on my experience, but that's all it is, an opinion.
At the end if the day Op it doesn't matter what other people say or think, your relationship with your son will be as unique as he is.

PeppermintCactus · 01/03/2019 18:25

I find the 'cant beat the mother daughter bond' painful to read. As if my bond with my boys won't ever be good enough

Agreed. I don't believe it though. I think it's more about fostering a feeling of family closeness, taking an interest in your children's interests, and your respective personalities.

Soubriquet · 01/03/2019 18:28

I find it painful to read because I’m sad I no longer have that bond with my mother

But my mum is so self absorbed that it’s impossible for me to do that.

It was ok when I was there to cater to every whim, but the minute i got backbone..that was it

Barrenfieldoffucks · 01/03/2019 18:33

My husband is one of 4 boys. They are very close to their mum, and to each other. They're geographically quite spread apart, but make the effort to take her out and just hang out regularly.

Strokethefurrywall · 01/03/2019 18:38

I find the 'cant beat the mother daughter bond' painful to read.

I find it painful that people still come out with this trite bullshit....

Pishogue · 01/03/2019 19:22

I’m not saying you/they’re not also career-focused, deadringer, only that female socialisation still to a large extent — even if it’s expanded to include careers — includes the expectation that women take a greater interest in, and responsibility for, parental welfare.

DesolationCrow · 01/03/2019 19:27

Im much closer to my son than my daughter. My son and I share interests and have more in common. My daughter is very much more distant and difficult.

BertrandRussell · 01/03/2019 19:29

It’s interesting to read this, because generally on Mumsnet it seems to be that any man who has a close relationship with his mother “needs to cut the apron strings” or “remember that he has his own little family now”. There is very little sympathy for men who like their mothers or who want to spend time with them.

Mixedbags · 01/03/2019 19:31

I think you will get a mixture of replies but generally girls are closer to their mums. The other aspect is unfortunately as the grandparents are no longer alive it’s potentially a very small family unit with not much going on. My friend had this and she said my family was so much more exciting with more going on! (Also more dramas and not all great or happy)!

soontobefour4 · 01/03/2019 19:40

I don't think you can beat a mother/daughter bond.

What a load of rubbish. My brother lives about a minute away from my mum, sees her most days. I live forty minutes away and could happily go for weeks without speaking to her.

We live over the road from my DH's parents, frequent contact. His sister lives 3 hours away and comes home once or twice a year.

The reason I'm not close with my mum is because she's frankly a bit useless at anything emotional and will only support me with practical stuff when it's convenient for her. I intend to be the opposite with my children and I hope that will mean I have a good relationship with all of my children, so s or daughters.

DesolationCrow · 01/03/2019 19:49

My daughter is competitive with me, sneering, selfish, unloving. Its just who she is. We were close up until her late teens, then she just decided she didnt need or like me.

My son is helpful, kind, sweet. We hang out a lot. Never had a problem with his girlfriend, he chose a nice girl who doesn't seem to isolate him from his family.

howisit47 · 01/03/2019 20:45

Clawdy I equally hate that silly worn line that boys are more loving. Girls find their mums irritating and love their dads , really? Wish we could see individuals as just that .

WillGymForPizza · 01/03/2019 20:57

I'd love to hear your daughters side of the story DesolationCrow...

Dontbestupidagain · 01/03/2019 20:59

My DH is close to his mum, far closer than I am to mine.

HogMother · 01/03/2019 21:02

My brother lives 5 min from parents. The other brother still lives at home (late 20s). They have family bbqs. I’m the only daughter and I live 200 miles away. We don’t go shopping, and we don’t have girly chats on the phone. My mum does meet SIL for coffee though.
My husband speaks to his mother more than I do.
Even if you did manage to get a daughter without ending up with 12 sons first, there’s no guarantee you would have the same relationship.

DesolationCrow · 01/03/2019 21:03

You are welcome to it. She would burn you out in no time flat too,like she had done everyone else.

reallyanotherone · 01/03/2019 21:04

*My daughter is competitive with me, sneering, selfish, unloving. Its just who she is. We were close up until her late teens, then she just decided she didnt need or like me.

My son is helpful, kind, sweet. We hang out a lot. Never had a problem with his girlfriend, he chose a nice girl who doesn't seem to isolate him from his family*

Hmm- at a total loss as to why your dd doesn’t like or need you...Hmm

DesolationCrow · 01/03/2019 21:06

And you come to that conclusion without knowing her or me, or her attitude, or how she had has hurt her family with her self destructive and cruel behavior?

Perhaps you are projecting your own relationships onto me?

DareDevil223 · 01/03/2019 21:09

Bollocks frankly - just gender stereotyping. I have one DS who is 24. We're really close and although he's grown up with a career and his own place he still comes and stays,we go out for lunch, watch films, talk. It's lovely.

He's not in a serious relationship right now and I know that might well change things in the future but I'm not a needy mum so that's cool.