Mums of Boys...

[WithLotsOfSprinkles0]

...please tell me to give my head a wobble.

Ive got a 1 year old DS, I've only ever wanted one child but the things people have been saying lately have been worrying.

Of course he'll be spoilt and lonely like all onlys () but also because he's a boy he'll leave me when he gets older and his own family.
Girls go shopping with their mothers when they're older and are close to them, boys aren't apparently. I would just brush thus off but it is actually How it is in my family.

Me and my mum go shopping, have a drink together but my brother barely sees her or texts her.

How has other mums of Boys relationships been? How do you keep in touch when they're older?

Bootsuit

"A son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life."

Not the case in our family at all, immediate and wider. May have been so when the phrase originated, probably hundreds of years ago, when girls had no choice but to do their duty. Very different now.

ds ia 16, he loves a good mooch around the outlet centre (especially if I have the cheque book!)

My brothers are all close to my mum, and we alternate Christmases, but as it happens, for all of us our in-laws are no longer around, so now it is my parents and their kids and partners for special occasions.

I think it ia about how you raise your kids, boys and girls, which dictates how they will be as adults

A son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life.

I hate this saying, it's so wet and useless, like "oh, have a boy by all means but don't expect him to be in your family forever". It fuels that whole "I need a daughter" thing so many women have and it's awful. I'm not particularly close to either parent, I love them but there's no sense of being closer to them than DH is to MIL.

I have two sons and they are incredible. Obviously I'd love a daughter just as much, but boys are no different unless you raise them differently.

I went to bed early last night with a headache and DS13 came in, realised I'd put a movie on and lay in bed next to me watching it. He lay there and after a few minutes said "I know I don't say it enough, but you're cracking'" which in 13 year old speak is high praise indeed. He put me in his phone as The Mothership and his messages are so funny and dry, he's growing into a great person and I'd hope that he'll always have that easygoing, happy bond.

Women are massively socialised to maintain social relationships, be the ones making the effort, sending the cards, making the calls etc. So as adults it’s not that surprising some men make less effort than their sisters.

This, exactly. It's 2019 and so many posts on Mumsnet still assume that maintaining family relationships is a female job.

OP, don't let someone else's longing for a daughter or sexist ideas about wifework dictate your happiness about having an only boy.

I sympathise. I have 2 sons and truly all their lives (they are young adults now) I have been told they will go away and I will hardly see them So far this has not been the case. They are so kind and loving but neither has a serious partner yet. I fear that is when the changes happen. The women I work with hardly ever have a good word to say about their MILs and I wonder if men sometimes spend less time with their own mothers as they become part of someone else's family.

My DS is nearly 30 and I have a DD of 28. In some ways I'd say I'm actually closer to my DS. We definitely talk more than me and my DD do. I am close to her too but he and I will just chat for hours about all sorts. We have gone on holiday together (at other times I've gone with DD), gone out for dinner together etc. He's just moved abroad and he skypes me every week and we normally end up chatting for over an hour. I'm also going out to visit him for a few weeks later this year. But I was a single parent so it's maybe different if there's a dad on the scene.

I haven't really read the thread, just skimmed, but I have two DS's. Still young (9 and nearly 12) They are about as chalk and cheese as two people can be. DS1 is insular, dislikes affection, moody, doesn't really like life much. I have to work hard at having any kind of relationship with him and I force a cuddle out of him every night. Its not hormones. He's always been like that.
Ds2 is outgoing, loving, wakes up thoroughly excited for the day. Loves going shopping. I can't imagine he will ever not be in contact with us.
No idea what will happen though. It might be the other way around. I might lose both. They might want to stay in touch with there old mum. Hoping that they do.

I think in previous generations there was much more the concept of 'wifework' and keeping in contact with family was very much seen as part of that, and men didn't have to get involved.

I remember my SIL telling me that my DB shouldn't have to phone my parents, it was up to my mum to do it as he was the man, so it is still alive and kicking in that generation. But hopefully we can bring our children up differently, both daughters and sons. So encourage daughters to have a relationship with MIL and show our sons the importance of communication, and that it is not down to women to do it. (obviously if relationships are toxic, then that is different).

One thing I find quite interesting on here is that if a DH spends a lot of time with his mum and listens to her opinions over his DW, there is talk of him being a 'mummy's boy' or not having 'cut the apron strings'. Whereas it is very rarely said if a woman has that sort of relationship with her mum, it is seen as a mother/daughter thing, even though it can be as stifling and detrimental to the marriage as when the man has such a relationship with his mum. As a mum I think we need to encourage independence for our children, yes have time for extended family, but not to the detriment of everything else. And if you want to see your mum 3 or 4 times a week, then the same should be able to apply to DH and his mum.

Agree with much of what has been said on here, ie that future relationships are down to personality, circumstance and the tone you set in your family as your kids grow up
I have 2 DDs and a DS, all preteen. We work hard to avoid the 'dad takes son to football, mum takes girls to town' dynamic (though that does happen occasionally. At the moment I would say of the 3 of them DS is the one I might expect to live locally to us, the girls are both quite independent. But could all change.
Has been really interesting reading the experiences of those further along in the journey!

DH speaks to DMIL about as often as I speak to DM. We’re a couple of hours from both and none of us would want to be much closer...just not how our families work.

I think a lot of this also reflects in the deeply offensive (to me) view that girls don’t need qualifications and careers because they’re having a family. I know families who truely believe that and then it’s self fulfilling that the boys move away for career prospects and the girls stay near their mums. My DM would have had kittens if I’d sacrificed my potential to stay local to her (she moved to another continent when she married). Doesn’t mean I don’t adore her. And DH definitely adores DMIL. And we’d all drop things for all of them if needed.

I always thought that saying was aimed at reassuring parents who had the "consolation prize" of having a daughter, back in times when having a son was the most desirable outcome.

Whoever invented the mothers are closer to their daughters saying clearly never met my Dad as he was the biggest mummy's boy ever and worshipped the ground she walked on! Up until the day she died he visited her most days, my DM just learned to accept it in the end.

I should also add that I prefer the company of my Dad over my Mum. I get on fine with her, but I find my Dad so much easier and I find with him the conversation just flows a lot better. He's always been the emotionally supportive parent, and my DM is quite needy and self absorbed. She's fantastic with practical stuff, but shit at the emotional support.

I have an only boy. He's 26. Lives a couple of hours away. He's a teacher so he comes to stay for a few days every holiday and a couple of times in summer. We speak every week and he texts in between, especially talking football with DH. His lovely live in girlfriend sometimes comes with him.
We are very close but he has a very busy life and I have no illusions that it might not always be this way. I do miss him but I got used to seeing him only every 2/3 months once he went to university at the other end of the country. He has lived independently ever since.
I was very close to my parents throughout my life and in fact my dad lived with us for several years after my mum died. Despite our closeness I am not expecting anything similar.

Trouble is if you ask mums of boys then your answer is absolutely going to be oh nooooo, we are so close!

They are stereotypes yes but like with so many, there's a grain of truth. Just a grain, mind you.

You know it, we all know it - just look at the MIL threads on here.

In an everyday sense, it comes down to personality yes, and a little bit of commonality - what interests do you share. But there is more. In RL I can really not think of many men who are notably close to their mothers. I can think of many who love their mothers in a rather abstract way but don't really want to spend quality time with them as they have little in common really. More often than not, it comes down to if they have children or not - then there is a 'place' for the grandmother.

This is always a really illuminating question that's been asked many times before. The difference in the tone of the answers - endless stories of alllll these men so close to their mums who are so much a part of the family, all these women so close to their dads and have MIL as first choice - totally, totally different to the vibe on almost every other thread where the inlaw relationship is a topic. It's not that it's always negative, but OP that will give you more of a true picture of what the average family dynamic is like. Women in general keep their MILs at arm's length, because even if there is love and respect there is usually the potential for some conflict somewhere - just with your own mum, but without the option to tell her to butt out.

I have one friend where this tipped the scales for having another baby. Not sure where I would stand on it - I am not close to either parent!

Women in general keep their MILs at arm's length, because even if there is love and respect there is usually the potential for some conflict somewhere - just with your own mum, but without the option to tell her to butt out.

But you're falling back into the old cliché that it's a woman's job to maintain contact with her husband/partner's family -- husband and wife do not need to spend every waking hour together, and he is perfectly capable of seeing his mother without his wife, surely, just as he is of remembering parental birthdays etc.

I think it's a massive stereotype. My brother sees my Mum nearly every day (same as my sister). I make a big effort to get on with and support my son's fiance, its easy as she is nice and they are wonderful parents. Becoming a grandmother has bought us closer, its a joy to watch them be parents and the love for the baby is something we have in common.

Don't listen to them it's rubbish. I have 2 young boys so not there yet but we have equally as good a relationship with my MIL as we do with my parents.

My OH is an only son. He sees his mum every day pretty much.

I don't have the type of relationship you describe with my mother, and DH is very close to his, probably closer than his sisters are. I am currently sat with my 11 yo DS cuddled up to me on the sofa, so looking good on that front so far. I definitely think it is about personality, not sex.

On the other side, I’ve seen my mum once in the last year. At Christmas.

We don’t really get on anymore. Nothing to do with me being a girl.

Sometimes people just don’t get on even if they related

Mine is a married man with his own kids now, but he pops in and phones regularly.
I know if I ever needed anything he would be there. We all pull together in my family.
And he still gives me a hug and kiss goodbye.
I go shopping or have a day out with my daughter, but not often due to work and things. Her poor boyfriend has that suffering.

I get on great with my DIL too.
I adore her because she took my son off my hands 😂

I love my mum dearly but go shopping with her? Good God no! Not since I was about 13 years old and only then if I really had to (i.e she was buying the items). As soon as I got to 14 years old and had a Saturday job I never took her shopping again. She used to drive me nuts.

I never had my sisters or my mum to see my wedding dresses (I've been married twice). No one saw either one until the wedding day.

I have an only DS. I hope we stay close (he's only 11 years old), but if we don't well I can't do much about that.

I seriously can't understand this 'your mum is your best friend' thing. No, my best friend is my best friend. I want my mum to be my mum and only my mum. She wasn't and isn't my confidante (I wouldn't tell her any secret as she'd 'hint' that she knew something). Sorry, it's personalities not whether you're male or female that determine relationships.

I think it’s really down to personality more than anything else. I have a very close relationship with DS 8yo, we have the same sense of humour! It was the same with me and my mum. Ok so maybe I won’t have the daughter shopping thing but apparently shopping is becoming a thing of the past (sadly) and it’s mostly online now. Anyway DH enjoys shopping! As for the lonely/spoilt thing that again depends on personality, I wasn’t spoilt because we were too poor.
My 2 uncles were so close to my man they stayed living with her well into their 30’s (pre housing crisis when they really could have afforded to move out).