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Original poster

Mums of Boys...

137 replies

WithLotsOfSprinkles0 · 28/02/2019 19:54

...please tell me to give my head a wobble.

Ive got a 1 year old DS, I've only ever wanted one child but the things people have been saying lately have been worrying.

Of course he'll be spoilt and lonely like all onlys (Hmm) but also because he's a boy he'll leave me when he gets older and his own family.
Girls go shopping with their mothers when they're older and are close to them, boys aren't apparently. I would just brush thus off but it is actually How it is in my family.

Me and my mum go shopping, have a drink together but my brother barely sees her or texts her.

How has other mums of Boys relationships been? How do you keep in touch when they're older?

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 28/02/2019 21:04

Examples of my friends with their ds in past week.
One just returned from a long haul trip on her own where her ds invited her out to join him for a few weeks in the country he lives in now. So close.
One goes skiing with her two sons every Winter and is just back
Met another last week who was just off to the cinema with her ds 25.
I have 2 ds . One is here at least every second weekend, calls, tells me constant stories of his friends, work etc.
Other chats so much to me, so lovely. Love all his friends who bring a great buzz around our home. Both in 20s.
Also have a dd and we rarely shop together as l get exhausted waiting for her to decide and she prefers charity shops. Its a total fantasy, shopping with your dd. Actually my ds is a bigger shopper.
Boys are great, funny and constant entertainment.
They are your dc...you rarely think: boys or girls.

Bootsuit · 28/02/2019 21:08

"A son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life."

If you're brought up believing this then that's how your relationship will end up. It's a self fulfilling prophecy.

Plus I hate the idea that we have to stay in our parents lives forever just because we're women. It's like we've got no automony.

You've been brought up conditioned into thinking that you have to be close to your parents, that you're not allowed to move away, only speak once a week etc etc because that's not what daughters (read women) do.

If you go round thinking that you can't have a close relationship with your son purely because he's a boy then you will probably end up being distant.

VelvetPineapple · 28/02/2019 21:08

I don’t go shopping or anything with my mum. I love her but we don’t have anything in common except being female. I have loads in common with my dad, we’re very much the same and share interests and personality traits. So I don’t think it’s necessarily the case that mums and daughters are the closest. Regardless of whether I had a son or daughter I wouldn’t go shopping with them. I’d much prefer a typical boy because we’re more likely to have stuff in common.

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BikeRunSki · 28/02/2019 21:12

My mother is much closer to my brothers (50s) than me. The only time we’ve ever been shopping is when I was a student and my jeans were so threadbare she didn’t want to be seen with me.

DramaAlpaca · 28/02/2019 21:16

My sons are 25, 24 & 21 & we are close. Particularly DS1 who tells me far too much at times about his love life Shock but I'm glad he feels able to talk to me. He's very chatty & calls or texts a few times a week. We really know when he's home because he's so loud. DS2 is more introverted & reserved but we have a loving relationship & go out for shopping & coffee occasionally. DS3 still lives at home & DH & I enjoy having him around. He's a student & I've learned as much from him as he has from me, especially about music and politics. He's great fun & so kind. They are fab, all of them.

HappyGoGoLucky · 28/02/2019 21:26

Goodness me lol. I wouldn't say mine is spoilt. We are privileged. I have a one year old DS and I would be very content if he leaves home and becomes a successful, handsome and independent young man!

Clawdy · 28/02/2019 22:18

I hate that silly trite quote about sons and daughters. I have both, all grown up now, and I can honestly say in my experience boys are more loving and forgiving than girls when it comes to their mothers. Girls often find their mums irritating, and are much kinder to their dads! Though I know every family is different.

GroggyLegs · 28/02/2019 22:20

We're all individuals, not just 'boys and girls'.

My DH speaks to his parents much more than I do. We're deliberately trying to foster a feeling of 'family' in our home that wasn't present in mine.

But however much I believe the above and will strive to keep my children close (in a healthy way!), I find the 'cant beat the mother daughter bond' painful to read. As if my bond with my boys won't ever be good enough Sad

Smileymoon · 28/02/2019 22:28

I am no closer to my DD than I am to my DD. I think in a parent child relationship the parent is responsible for the quality of the relationship. If it is poor then it is probably because the parent was not a good parent when the child was a child and did not nurture the relationship.

Original poster
WithLotsOfSprinkles0 · 28/02/2019 22:28

So there is hope yet.

I do agree with points on here, sometimes it can be a self fulfilling prohecy in a way, if you think you won't have a bond with your son, you won't.

I didn't think this until one of my friends who has a boy mentioned this to me, as she's desperate for a girl.

I hope I have a good relationship with my son as he gets older and will always take an interest in his life.

OP posts:
Smileymoon · 28/02/2019 22:28

I meant I am no closer to my DD than I am to my DS.

SallyWD · 28/02/2019 22:32

I have 3 brothers and they're all good at keeping in touch with my mum. My husband also phones his mum at least once a week, visits her frequently and is very attentive to her needs. They go out shopping together, lunch, cinema etc.

Ginger1982 · 28/02/2019 23:12

I worry about this too and DS is 2! I text my mum every day and see her at least once a week. DH will phone his mum occasionally and can go weeks without seeing her, therefore there can be weeks between her seeing DS whereas my mum sees him every week so I worry about what will happen when I become a granny too! 😆

KnittingSister · 28/02/2019 23:15

I have an only boy. He's fab Grin he's intelligent, hard working, polite, all of which he'd be if he had siblings! When he was young he used to argue with himself so he didn't even miss out on that! An only is fab, so is more, it's what is right for you.

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 28/02/2019 23:17

I have four boys, one at university, two who have left home and youngest is 17, they are all very close to me and always keep in regular contact.
I also have two daughters, one is a teen but our other daughter who lives on her own rarely visits or phones/text.

WhereIsMyTVRemote · 28/02/2019 23:18

DH is very close to his mum. Two male cousins are also extremely close to my aunt. I am from only girls and some are close to mum, some aren't.

Muddysnowdrop · 28/02/2019 23:22

Women are massively socialist to maintain social relationships, be the ones making the effort, sending the cards, making the calls etc. So as adults it’s not that surprising some men make less effort than their sisters. My plan is to raise my sons to make these efforts themselves, and hopefully I can have adult sons who remember to call me Grin

3in4years · 28/02/2019 23:27

My dh sees a lot more of his mum than I do of mine.

SmarmyMrMime · 28/02/2019 23:35

DB lives up the same road as DM. I'm 40 miles away! They are closer.

My DSs are still children, but they are encouraged to be open with affection. We share interests (although I do struggle when the topic strays to minecraft...) I'm trying to encourage personal skills such as tidying up after themselves which may hopefully earn me some DiL points Grin

I don't know what our relationships will be like in the future, but hopefully we can avoid the toxic masculinity stereotypes that can be damaging. I try to keep a healthy perspective about their lives too; childhood is about growing independence until you can function as an adult. I hope I'm striking a sensible middle ground between loving them and respecting them as individuals. I don't think my attitude would be particularly different if they had been female.

BackforGood · 28/02/2019 23:42

What a daft thing for your friends (?) to say Hmm

Definitely give your head a wobble. Not true at all IME.

Seniorschoolmum · 28/02/2019 23:47

I think it varies. My dB was the slowest to leave home. My mum used to cook & wash for him and put up with an endless stream of girlfriends.
We sisters all left at 18 and I think my mum came shopping with me twice in 25 years.
She could be quite spiteful and it was hard work.
Now I have an only ds. He isn’t spoiled, I wish I’d given him a sibling but it didn’t happen. All I can do is make sure he is close to friends and cousins, and that he has a secure childhood.
I’m planning to move away when I retire so I’m not tempted to interfere in his life. And he can do his own washing Smile,

reallyanotherone · 28/02/2019 23:58

Girls go shopping with their mothers when they're older and are close to them, boys aren't apparently. I would just brush thus off but it is actually How it is in my family.

It isn’t in mine. It is actually the reason my mum and i don’t get on- she wants to go shopping etc, and tries to force me to wear makeup, carry a handbag, get my hair, eyebrows and nails done. I hate all that shit so if i’m honest, i make excuses not to see her. My sister,otoh, does, and they do have a close relationship.

As a casual observer i see many families where boys do “male” stuff with dad, while girls do girly stuff with mum. I had a colleague who barely saw her son and husband on weekends, so she spent time with her dd shopping and theatre trips. Now the kids are adults the boy is off with his wife, and she spouts the “until he takes a wife” crap.

It is self fulfilling. If you think boys are different and you like different things you’ll never find common ground and spend time together.

My dh likes shopping. He goes with his mum a lot. He plays golf with his dad. He takes dd for her haircuts. I take them to sports events and watch sci fi with them.

Forget gender stereotypes and find activities you can do together.

BackforGood · 01/03/2019 00:05

It is self fulfilling. If you think boys are different and you like different things you’ll never find common ground and spend time together.

This ^

I have 1 ds and 2 dds.
It is ds who is more likely to be shopping than either dd.

thecutecouple · 01/03/2019 10:54

A son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life.
People who say this are the ones who don't have much contact with their own sons usually because that person is toxic.

ALemonyPea · 01/03/2019 10:59

I have three boys aged between 10-15. They're all close to me, the eldest talks to me about everything. If he is away from home with friends/school, he will text me, not his dad, to see how we are and let me know he is safe etc.

I really hate that stupid saying about sons are only there until they take a wife. My mam often sprouts it when she's had a drink, trying to bring me down.

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