DD accused of bullying

[Bedsidedrawer]

My dd is 10 and sent a friend a message via online chat (through a game they play). It was a horoscope/prediction about betraying friends or some such nonsense. My dd sent it to try and be funny/edgy I think but is being accused of bullying.
My dd is so kind and thoughtful. Gets glowing reports from teachers. This was a one off message, in bad taste perhaps, but I'd say a typical tween thing to do. She is sorry and will apologise but I don't appreciate the word bullying being used at all. I feel she has just made a mistake in online communication but didn't mean to be nasty or anything.
This other girl's parents spoil her rotten, watch over everything she does and are very intense. I honestly don't understand why this has become a drama.

This is nowhere near bullying, the accusation is ridiculous. The other girl is entitled to be upset about the misunderstanding but it's NOT bullying from your daughter. If I were you I'd get your DD to apologise (I think you said she already has) and I'd be keeping the other girl away from your DD, too much drama over something that could have been quickly and easily sorted.

Cant this whole experience be chalked up to a growing up lesson? a life lesson? Surely this is a positive experience for you and her, but only if things are learnt from it. Much better to learn now then when she is older and an even bigger mistep or mistake creates an even bigger drama.

This is just part of having kids really, growing up, them making mistakes at the right time and guiding them to do better and learn so they become even better people as they grow.

Its fine op! don't sweat this! you've got this, but if you fall apart she will think this is far more epic then it is and perhaps become bitter about the fallout rather then actually learning anything!

@Bedsidedrawer

My Dd is lovely. Everyone says how nice she is. How kind she is. How helpful she is. She's bubbly, polite and popular.

She once sent something to one of her friends that was horrible. Frankly horrible. She didn't mean it exactly how the other child took it, but she sent it (and even how she meant it wasn't very nice).

It didn't matter that she was normally kind and polite and that all the teachers loved her - she got the bollocking of her life for sending something cruel, mean and nasty to another child and upsetting them. The fact she was upset at how angry the other child's parents were was something she just had to deal with because it was her fault.

Nice kids sometimes do stuff they shouldn't, the fact that they are normally nice doesn't mean that they haven't done something mean, or stupid. It still needs to be dealt with.

You are the adult here. I understand you are really upset. However the way you are approaching this is not helping your dd. She has got to go to school every day with this little girl. If you don’t take matters into hand, your dd may actually be targeted and bullied by this girl and her family. Please pull yourself together.

1. Do you know what was actually written? If you don’t, I suggest you contact the girls parents and ask.

1. I think your dd should write this girl a letter of apology to the girl. I think keeping her off the game is a very thing. Probably until Easter to let the dust settle.

1. Check in with school. Let them know there’s been a blow up so that they can monitor the situation.

1. Comfort your dd for being called a bully and assure her she isn’t. Reassure her we all make mistakes. However, make it clear you are very saddened that she upset this other girl and the consequences are 1) writing a sincere apology 2) no online gaming til Easter.

1. Don’t name call these people or minimise or deflect by slagging them off to your dd. Otherwise it’s going to become all out war. “My mum said x” etc. This happened at dds school and one of the girls had to change classes.

1. Get some ground rules in place for when your dd is playing the game.

Is the game fortnite? My dd, who is the same age as yours isn’t into it. We don’t even have a console.

OP, I think you really need to see this as a learning experience for DD rather than getting hung up on the language used by the other parents. Maybe now is the time to talk to your daughter about:

• written messages (email, text, online chat) don't always come across the way we intend so we have to be extra careful with what we write
• sometimes "jokes" hurt other people and it is really important not to make jokes / be funny at other people's expense

We have recently been through a bereavement.

Cheap shot

I feel bullied actually which is the odd thing

Really? This is all going far too far.

Your daughter made an error of judgement. As we all have many many times. Surely your role is to show her how to put it right without catastrophising and move on.

Yes the term “bully” has been misused, but that’s true on both sides.

Of course your daughter is lovely. That doesn’t change because she’s made a mistake.

Oh ffs she's deleted it so you wouldn't see it. I'd be asking the other parent exactly what it said if I was you and asking her to forward it to me. She's a 10 year old child, they lie to get out of trouble, she's no different to any other child but she is pulling the wool over your eyes.

You need to find out exactly what this message said, see the proof, punish your child and move on and stop being so bloody dramatic. You sound less mature than the girls do.

Here's the thing. I might get absolutely slated for admitting this but I think it's the type of thing that needs to be acknowledged. I was a really nice kid. Kind, sweet, generous, etc. I think I've turned into a pretty nice adult, too nice sometimes as I've had to learn, and learn hard, that sometimes I actually need to prioritise myself. But sometimes as a child, not usually, but on occasion, I did horrible things. I was bullied sometimes too. I honestly think that most kids, unless they are absolute top or bottom of the pecking order will at some point be bullied and participate in bullying.

Children's brains are too underdeveloped to be able to fully empathise and understand the full consequences of their actions. They join in with shit they see others doing, the initiate games that can be mean, they know it feels bad when they are the target but they join in when someone else is. It's normal. It doesn't mean your DD isn't a generally sweet child. But that doesn't mean that she hasn't done something that has made her friend feel really fucking awful in this instance. You carrying on as you are (and in bad times we can all act badly) is making it worse. Acting as if your daughter is the victim in a horrible situation she, in this instance, has created, makes her more likely to act this way again.

OP, I understand a little how you feel. My DS had something similar when he was the same age. It was an error of judgement on his part. Something he thought was funny was frightening to another child.

I was also upset that the accusation of 'bullying' was made. The two children were friends and actually the child that had been frightened wasn't the one that described it as bullying. It was the adults at the school that labelled it that.

Anyway, I had a chat with my DS, who was devastated that his friend was so frightened by something that was, in my son's eyes, just a joke. But, we talked about considering other people's feelings and what he thought he should do as a result.

What he did, was went straight into school the next morning, went to the child he had upset and apologised and said he really didn't mean to upset him and he wouldn't do it again.

And, they continued as friends, and still are to this day, several years later. My DS learnt from the incident but it blew over quickly and everyone moved on. It didn't need to be a drama. I am still friends with the parent of the other child.

But, on the day it happened, I could think of nothing else. When I got the details of the incident I honestly thought the other parent was making a massive fuss over nothing, and that her child needed to toughen up a bit. But, then, when I really thought about it, I realised that I knew nothing about the severity of the other child's fears, what impact the incident had really had, and that actually, my DS needed to take responsibility for upsetting someone else and he could learn from it.

I'm really proud of how he dealt with it, and in fact the way he dealt with it proved that he didn't deserve the 'tag' of bully, and the school agreed to remove the incident from his record.

This will blow over - an apology from your DD to her friend for the unintentional upset should be all that is needed to move on. It shouldn't need to be a drama or cause any further upset than it already has.

I and a friend were accused of bullying another girl once, when we were about 14 (old enough to know better!!!). Honestly looking back now what we were doing was absolutely horrible but at the time it genuinely didn't occur to us that it was bullying. Anyway my point is is even if her intentions were to mess around, that doesn't mean it isn't bullying.

My Child can never do wrong, can she? Remember, Discipline is what other people's children need. Ask how you would feel if she were to receive such a message.

You honestly can't make a rational judgement if you don't even know what the mesage was. As pp have said she's young to have social media obviously too young to make sensible decisions.

OP this is you making it a far bigger deal. It simply needed an apology from your daughter and a brief discussion that you were handling it to her parents and then a discussion with your daughter

Somehow thoough OP you have made it not about your daughter but about you

I'm sorry OP and I don't mean to bash you but EVERYONE thinks their DD is nice, kind, gentle and sensitive

Sending her friend a copy of the Friends horoscope on the app that said she'd be a rubbish friend that week

Was Haha look your a Virgo this app says you're a shit friend but the 10 y/o version is not nice, kind, gentle, or sensitive it's a dig

You are also massively overreacting to tween girl spats, this is not a permanent stain on your DDs character it's a minor lesson learned, apologise and move on

It sounds as though you have BOTH blown this dramatically out of proportion

I think your reaction to this may have more to do with your recent bereavement. Your reactions to a spat between teenagers is completely out of proportion. You cried all the way home. You've taken to your bed. I think you should consider seeing your GP, you may be depressed or need grief counselling.
As for your DD, you acknowledge the message was edgy; your DD was trying to be grown up. Both point to the message being inappropriate. Other girls may also be targeting the girl involved so accumulatively , the parents would be correct to call it bullying. Your DD needs to learn to take responsibility, apologise and move on. You need to do the same.

I think most of us can remember from childhood that bullies really know how to turn on the charm around adults, even whilst bullying another kid and that’s how they get away with it for so long. My bullies were always making the teachers laugh. Their parents would never believe a bad word against them and if proof was supplied never punished them.

Op your kid was mean, she needs to apologise if this was a one of (the fact that she “deleted” the message before you saw it shows a degree of cunning). But it’s really your reaction I find worrying, you our now making yourself out to be the victims. This is not how you teach your child to take responsibility for their actions! Plus you have already stated how much you disliked this 10 year old girl, no doubt your daughter picked up on this, not to mention the girl herself. Don’t have kids round to your house if you don’t like them, it’s not nice for the kid. You have suffered a bereavement and that’s awful, but that doesn’t absolve you from treating others with decency.

OP You are the adult and the parent here so you need to take a deep breath, blow your nose and get up. If you’ve ever watched the “Dogs behaving badly” type of programme, you will know that dogs pick up on their owners emotions and anxiety and start to become anxious and angry. (Bear with me; I’m not saying your dd is a dog).

I suffer from mostly very well managed anxiety and CPTSD so I sympathise BUT this isn’t about you. It’s not your drama. You need to be calm and clear for your dd’s sake because at the moment you’re obviously transmitting your distress “down the lead” to your dd - hence her “clutching your hand” on the way to school.

All she’s done is made a silly mistake. That’s literally it. That’s how we learn. You have to calm down now and:

1. Talk calmly with your daughter about what has happened, make sure she understands the consequences of her mistake, how it has made the other girl feel and so on.

1. As a matter of urgency, review her internet access, social media and so on. No 10 year old should be on social media and if it’s possible to turn off messaging on this game, turn it off. If not, she doesn’t get to play it until she’s older.

1. Address the “bullying” accusation. I would write to the other parents and apologise but add in that as far as you know, this is the first time that your dd has done anything like this and that you’re sure it wasn’t deliberate; however you will be reviewing her internet access etc. Get your dd to write a short but sincere apology and put it in the envelope.

When we make a mistake, all anyone - Child or Adult - can reasonably do is own up, apologise and try not to do it again. Not the end of the world so you need to stop catastrophising and stop taking this personally.

Be the adult, woman up and set strict boundaries for your 10 year old.

Sometimes our kids can surprise us with actions completely out of character. Just because your DD is insisting it wasn't bad doesn't mean it wasn't. I don't see why she would have deleted it if it was as innocent as she is saying.

BUT this isn't as big an issue as you have made it in your head, you sound like you're having a horrible time at the minute so try to just see this as another parenting learning curve and have another chat to your DD but then move on from it. Not everyone is going to like our kids and will sometimes only focus on the one or two bad things they do but as you have done this yourself with the other girl then you need to let this one go and make sure your DD has learnt from this.

I think when she sent it, it was innocent. But then the parents came online accusing her of bullying so she deleted it in a panic. She then came straight to me and said what had happened. She was visibly shaken. I don't appreciate adults telling children they are bullies online. They should have come to me first.

It does sound like they didn't handle it well. It would have been better for them to speak to the school or you

"She was visibly shaken"

Politely, can you not see how strangely this comes across? It's an adult reaction to a very serious thing ascribed to a 10 year old over a minor thing....

Your DD has obviously not learned in life that sometimes people will criticise her (sometimes justifiably, sometimes not) and how to react and respond to that appropriately

This might help you

www.psycom.net/build-resilience-children

OP, did you see any of the online messages, either a reply from the friend or what the parents wrote? Or is this all coming second hand from your DD?

If she's not mature enough to realise when something might be construed as mean then you've put her in a situation she's not ready for. Take the blame, believe the other parents and move on.