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Original poster

DD accused of bullying

126 replies

Bedsidedrawer · 26/02/2019 23:05

My dd is 10 and sent a friend a message via online chat (through a game they play). It was a horoscope/prediction about betraying friends or some such nonsense. My dd sent it to try and be funny/edgy I think but is being accused of bullying.
My dd is so kind and thoughtful. Gets glowing reports from teachers. This was a one off message, in bad taste perhaps, but I'd say a typical tween thing to do. She is sorry and will apologise but I don't appreciate the word bullying being used at all. I feel she has just made a mistake in online communication but didn't mean to be nasty or anything.
This other girl's parents spoil her rotten, watch over everything she does and are very intense. I honestly don't understand why this has become a drama.

OP posts:
M3lon · 27/02/2019 10:30

also its not possible to out yourself by reprinting a horoscope that's in a girls magazine....they sell more than one copy!

M3lon · 27/02/2019 10:32

People reading all sorts of additional meaning into the daughters behaviour can also do one.

I'd delete a message if I thought it had hurt someone too. Doesn't make me a bully.

downcasteyes · 27/02/2019 10:35

This is a really nasty thread. Oh, the irony of women sending another woman waspish messages about the need to be kind.

OP, you know your daughter really well. I'm sure she is the kind, sensitive girl that you say that she is. However, even the kindest and most sensitive person sometimes makes mistakes. We all interact with people occasionally in ways that are suboptimal, and sometimes even adults misjudge tone or situation. Such incidents are not 'bullying' - because bullying implies a sustained campaign of some sort. They can, however, be nasty, hurtful mistakes.

I think the way to handle this is to take it seriously as an out of character mistake. Make sure that your DD doesn't minimise the upset that she has caused, and get her to write a note of apology to the girl. This will hopefully ensure that this one-off doesn't get repeated and that she is very careful about what she sends in future. Then, for God's sake, let it go. This error doesn't define your daughter, and nor does the casually applied label of 'bully'. Continue to promote and foster her kind, generous self and no-one will take an accusation like that seriously. Maybe also encourage her to develop other friendships than that with this girl.

And now you: you sound like you are excessively concerned about this allegation, and your reaction seems disproportionate to the situation. If you are grieving, this is understandable. But please, try not to worry so much what others think. Flowers

IceRebel · 27/02/2019 10:36

I'd delete a message if I thought it had hurt someone too.

Surely it's too late to delete the message? Once it's been read the damage has been done. I can't see any other reason for deleting it other than to hide what was sent.

M3lon · 27/02/2019 10:37

depends if its a post type system...no point leaving something up so people see it every time they log in is there?

M3lon · 27/02/2019 10:38

or you could just continue to believe (for no apparent reason) that a clearly upset 10 yo is actually a serial killer in the making and deliberately calculated her every move.

Whatever floats your boat.

bellie710 · 27/02/2019 10:38

The word Bully is branded about far too easily these days and half the time kids don't even know what real bullying is. My DD was being accused of being a bully by another child in school, when I went and asked the school about it they were more concerned that the child accusing mine was the bully! Turned out the "bullying" was telling someone they were taller than them!!

Original poster
Bedsidedrawer · 27/02/2019 10:40

To whoever said 'get a grip' I can't. I wish I could.

OP posts:
IceRebel · 27/02/2019 10:40

or you could just continue to believe (for no apparent reason) that a clearly upset 10 yo is actually a serial killer in the making and deliberately calculated her every move.

Massive overreaction there Confused Not sure I, or anyone else has said anything to warrant such a response.

Hamsternauts · 27/02/2019 10:40

Just contact the other family and say "Sorry your dd has been upset by the horoscope dd sent. She is upset by this and hadn't intended to cause upset. Please can you forward a copy of the message as i haven't seen it and i can then speak to dd about it."

If my child had been accused of sending a bullying message i would certainly want to see the message myself so i could deal with it appropriately

Hamsternauts · 27/02/2019 10:41

I used the word upset too many times. Should have read through it!

codenameduchess · 27/02/2019 10:43

Op, if your dd genuinely isn't a vindictive or cruel kid then get a grip. Why are you lying in bed crying over a message you say is innocent?

Have a chat with your dd, find out what happened, make sure she understands and apologises then move on with your lives. You obviously have more going on and this really doesn't need all the drama.

ittakes2 · 27/02/2019 10:45

I think you are being too sensitive about the word bully. She was nasty to another girl - explain that she was - she is happy to apologise - move on. Saying your daughter is more hurt than the other girl is bollocks - you don't know what is going on in the other girls life and you don't know how she is feeling.

Whereareyouspot · 27/02/2019 10:49

OP this is insane

Please reflect on why you are reacting like this and consider some professional help as trust me it is not at all normal or acceptable

ChakiraChakra · 27/02/2019 10:49

You say you've just had a bereavement. One thing that I remember when I've just had a bereavement I'd that life really is just too darn short to spend it worrying/angry/upset about things that you won't even remember about 5 years down the line.

gamerwidow · 27/02/2019 10:50

Your DD did an unkind thing but it’s not bullying unless this isn’t the first unkind thing she’s done to this friend.
However she still sent something that upset someone. It doesn’t matter if her intent was innocent or not. Make this into a lesson about unintended consequences with a warning to not do it again and job done.
It’s your anxiety that’s making this bigger than what it is.

SugarPlumLairy2 · 27/02/2019 10:55

I know a parent who sounds similar to you. I had dropped DD off at school and realised I had a permission slip to hand into the office so went to follow her in to school, just in time to see her “friend” grab her ponytail, tug it hard enough to pull my DD backwards and then run off laughing. My DD was obviously distraught. The other child’s parent said her DD hadn’t done that, that I must be mistaken, then said how good her child was at school, how all the teachers could vouch for her, then said oh her DD had been pushed and MAY have put her hand out to stop from falling but she NEVER pulled my DDs hair.

I saw the whole thing with my own eyes, but this parent insisted I was mistaken, lying about her child and upsetting them by not allowing her DD to come to our house anymore. They were the victims.

Can you see why people are side eyeing you? Your child may be lovely but they did upset someone and you are breaking down over that?

Either provide better, clarifying information or take a deep breath and woman up.

multiplemum3 · 27/02/2019 10:56

This thread is fucking crazy. She upset someone else, you're being unbelievable bitchy about the girl she upset and her family. It really seems like your drama is rubbing off onto your daughter with her 'clutching your hand' the whole way to school.

Poggitt · 27/02/2019 10:56

OP, are you getting help with your depression and anxiety?

The main issue aside, I suffer from anxiety and during a bad episode, seemingly minor issues can and do floor me. Completely. Even to the point of struggling to function such as yourself (you stated you were in bed crying).

Such extreme reactions can seem very illogical and even ridiculous to the outside world. I would advise you get support with your mental health and take it from there Flowers

Bowchicawowow · 27/02/2019 11:00

The irony of you denying that your DD is a bully and then saying you feel you are being bullied is astonishing.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 27/02/2019 11:02

OP, I am sorry that you have been bereaved, and that you struggle with anxiety and depression.

Please try to get this into a manageable place. The girls will probably resolve this and be best of friends again by the end of the week. The effect it is having on you is disproportionate.

LambTagine · 27/02/2019 11:03

I agree with @Poggitt
Your update reminded me a bit of myself when I’m in a bad place mentally.
Have you seen your GP?

sheepsheep · 27/02/2019 11:04

OP I am really sorry about the way you have been treated on this thread. It is obvious that you are dealing with a lot right now and it definitely seems to me like this incident is maybe attracting some misplaced emotions from other things that are going on with you. Telling you to get a grip is not helpful.

Your daughter made a mistake. She is 10, and is learning to navigate friendships and social media, and you are learning to navigate how to parent a child going through that. You are overreacting, yes sure, but it is understandable that you don't want your normally kind and thoughtful child branded a bully over one silly mistake.

Encourage your DD to apologise to the other girl. Don't engage with the parents at all. This will likely blow over. Have a chat with your DD about being kind, and most importantly, about the loss of tone in online messages or text messages, and how things may not be taken the way they were intended.

JenniferJareau · 27/02/2019 11:04

I'm not hiding the message, I've not seen it. It was deleted I think. My dd has told me what it said. Don't want to be exact here and out myself.

Hi OP,

The issue here is you don’t actually know what was said so you cannot with any degree of certainty know that your dd didn’t send a message that could come across to the other child as bullying.

You are clearly very distressed by this, so I would ask the other parents to see a screenshot of the message. That way you will know exactly what was said and can then judge for yourself.

Everyone can be mean and unkind OP, all of us. We are human.

BettyDuMonde · 27/02/2019 11:06

You need to see it. Ask the girls parents to fwd it back - i’m sure they will be glad to, and understand that you need to see it before deciding on appropriate action.

Bereavement is hard and brings a fog over everything, but this situation needs a clear head. Perhaps a neutral third party could view the message and speak to both girls on your behalf? Perhaps a mother of another of the girls in the friendship group? It’s ok to ask for some help, especially when you are grieving.