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Original poster

DD accused of bullying

126 replies

Bedsidedrawer · 26/02/2019 23:05

My dd is 10 and sent a friend a message via online chat (through a game they play). It was a horoscope/prediction about betraying friends or some such nonsense. My dd sent it to try and be funny/edgy I think but is being accused of bullying.
My dd is so kind and thoughtful. Gets glowing reports from teachers. This was a one off message, in bad taste perhaps, but I'd say a typical tween thing to do. She is sorry and will apologise but I don't appreciate the word bullying being used at all. I feel she has just made a mistake in online communication but didn't mean to be nasty or anything.
This other girl's parents spoil her rotten, watch over everything she does and are very intense. I honestly don't understand why this has become a drama.

OP posts:

Bowchicawowow · 27/02/2019 09:54

Typical parent of a bully going into deep denial.

Fazackerley · 27/02/2019 09:59

Fwiw my dd sent a really bitchy message to another girl about 5 years ago when she was 11. I went nuclear. Made her apologise by a written card, bent over backwards to apologise. She'd just got a phone as she'd started secondary and I took it away until after Christmas. Afaik she's never done anything like it since BUT I do think if they tend towards doing it you need to keep wary eye on them particularly not bitch about kids yourself as the OP is doing

Afonavon · 27/02/2019 09:59

Are you saying that the perpetrator is actually the victim here? It sounds like you’re annoyed at the victim of your DD’s actions.

Auntiepatricia · 27/02/2019 10:00

Look OP, don’t be naive about your dd too. My ds’s teachers always say how kind and aware he is of other kids feelings but I know he is well capable of overstepping the line, he just hasn’t yet. They are kids and can be different from one week to the next as they navigate new situations, knowledge, challenges daily at this age.

Stop acting like you and your daughter are perfect and wouldn’t make a mistake. She’s made one that rightly or wrongly has caused upset, and you’re now making things worse by acting all defensive and incredulous and dramatic over it.

She has done something that is interpreted as bullying. Tell her it’s unacceptable and although she isn’t a bully she has bullied someone accidentally or otherwise.

Apologise and move on. And stop protecting your dd to her detriment of finding her own way and solving her own issues.

OKBobble · 27/02/2019 10:00

Yes I red the OP's posts.

She refers to having a strong word about "being careful what you send to people" and then goes on to say she will apologise and then minimises and excuses her dd's behaviour due ro bereavement, she is innocent, she is devastated, I can't supervise my 10 year old as I have other children.

Of course, not reform school but the strong word possibly needs to be stronger aboit unacceptable behaviour rather than be careful, OP needs to enaure the apology has happened rather than 'asking her to apologise' and she needs to supervise her kids internet/social media especially when that young and have proven they cannot use it responsibly.

howdoyoukeepawaveuponthesand · 27/02/2019 10:01

So you have no clue what the horoscope actually said? But you think because your DD didn’t write it it doesn’t matter?

Tomtontom · 27/02/2019 10:05

I was bullied at school. By the nice girls. All subtle stuff, like little messages that if you read in isolation you'd think were just innocent little mistakes. But when you see them in a wider complex were far more damaging.

I wouldn't automatically assume a single message to be bullying, but I wouldn't look at more messages and see what else is going on. Sadly the OP is in such denial that she's not going to do that.

Tomtontom · 27/02/2019 10:06

context not complex

IceRebel · 27/02/2019 10:07

Why aren't you saying what the horoscope said?

Because OP knows what her DD sent was cruel and very hurtful for the girl who received it. You can see how she's tried to minimize what was said in her first post.

about betraying friends or some such nonsense

She doesn't seem to care that her daughter has potentially left a girl miserable and crying with distress because of the message. Instead trying to make out her reaction is as a result of her parenting

This other girl's parents spoil her rotten, watch over everything she does

Also it's very telling that the OP hates the word bully being thrown around when it's directed at her daughter. But is happy to label others as such.

I am so angry at these parents making her feel this way. They are bullies in my opinion.

Tomtontom · 27/02/2019 10:09

She says on the other thread that the message was "creepy". So she does know what it says, and is choosing not to tell us.

Which says it all.

GreenOliveOrBlackOlive · 27/02/2019 10:10

The fact that dd wasn’t the author of the horoscope is a red herring. It’s the content and the effect it’s had that is the issue. Surely you can see that op?

Whereareyouspot · 27/02/2019 10:14

OP in the nicest way get a grip

Your DD was silly and thoughtless
She needs to apologise, you need to review what you are allowing her access to.

Then forget about it

Putting your DD on a pedestal is going to cause you so much angst in the future as all kids mess up and do unkind silly irresponsible things as they grow up

None of them are perfect or faultless

And accusing this other little girl of being less than perfect is also silly and immature of you

Her parents were upset and I would have been too if mine had received an unsolicited threatening text. Bullying is just a word and may be a bit harsh but that’s how the other girl probably felt when she received it with no message alongside to lighten it

Tbh your DD may understand a bit more about how it would have been received than you think she does but that’s another story

Move on. Thicken up your skin and don’t dramatise a tiny little event in your DD’s life for both your sakes

chocatoo · 27/02/2019 10:20

The fact that you are unable or unwilling to share exactly what was sent makes me wonder if it was rather unkind, regardless of the fact that it was unintentional. You have to think how you would feel if things were the other way around. If I was other Mum, I would be very cross with your daughter too.

Original poster

Bedsidedrawer · 27/02/2019 10:21

I do care. I care very much. So much that I'm in bed rather than doing a lovely walk with my friends. Crying and stressing that my dd, whom I know better than anyone, has been called a bully.
I do care if she hurt another girl's feelings. I feel an utter failure for not monitoring it. I honestly thought it was just a one off silly message sent to try and be cryptic, funny but obviously I'm wrong. My vindictive, bullying daughter wanted to crush this girl's feelings. I don't know her very well then.
I'm not hiding the message, I've not seen it. It was deleted I think. My dd has told me what it said. Don't want to be exact here and out myself.
It was from one of these girl magazines with horoscopes.
I honestly remember sending stupid messages as a girl (obviously not online) but little notes etc. Sometimes I was trying to be more grown up.
My dd didn't eat her breakfast. Clutched my hand all the way to school. I cried all the way home.
I feel bullied actually which is the odd thing.

OP posts:

Fazackerley · 27/02/2019 10:22

Oh god. Op this is a ridiculous amount of drama. Fgs get up!!

Fazackerley · 27/02/2019 10:22

Your poor dd. Why are you making this about you?!

Fazackerley · 27/02/2019 10:24

Sorry and I am willing to bet the farm that your dd is lying to you about what it said. Particularly if she suspects you will react like this.

Fazackerley · 27/02/2019 10:24

Actually I am leaving this now as I suspect this might not even be true.

M3lon · 27/02/2019 10:25

well a one off instance doesn't qualify as bullying does it?

So the other parents are in the wrong unless there are significant other instances you don't know about.

In terms of saying something and someone else taking serious offence at it...well I sympathise. My DD upset one of her best friends by saying her hair was like octopus tentacles....I mean we can all see how that could go the wrong way...but DD loves all sea creatures and couldn't imagine this not being a complement.

It was horrible..the girl cried....DD bawled because she'd upset her friend...then the girl bawled because DD was crying...and the next time they saw each other they were fine again.

Okki · 27/02/2019 10:28

All sounds quite dramatic. They will have had anti bullying stuff in school. Our school uses STOP - several times on purpose. So if it was a one off your DD should have had training in school to recognise bullying and you as her parent should be able to explain she's not a bully. If my mother was weeping and staying in bed over it I'd assume it was true and I'd done something really awful!

Ohyesiam · 27/02/2019 10:28

A few years ago on primary my daughter was taught bullying was

Several
Times
On
Purpose

in a stop bullying campaign.
This underlines that mistakes, badly thought out actions etc that are one offs are not bullying.
I’m sure you can find a link to it and send it to the parents, while emphasising that your dd will apologise.

But I must gently say that some of the parents of the nastiest bullies I have encountered have been totallly unable to see it in their children, a complete blind spot.

M3lon · 27/02/2019 10:29

OP my previous statement also refers to their behaviour towards your DD.

They called her a bad name (bully) but this can' constitute bullying as its a one off.

OP please please get a grip of the reaction this has provoked in you, because you are in grave danger of making this out to be hugely more of a drama FOR YOUR DD than it needs to be. Let the girls sort it out and try to keep your own baggage around the accusation and the feelings it has provoked in you out of sight of your DD.

M3lon · 27/02/2019 10:29

cant not can

IceRebel · 27/02/2019 10:30

I'm not hiding the message, I've not seen it. It was deleted I think. My dd has told me what it said. Don't want to be exact here and out myself.

So you have no way (other than your daughter's word) of knowing what she said to this other girl. Yet despite this you say

about betraying friends or some such nonsense.
didn't mean to be nasty or anything.
I know my dd didn't mean to be nasty.
I think she was trying to be cryptic in an innocent way but the girl has taken offence.
She didn't send it to be unkind.

I highly doubt it was something as innocent as "you will fall out with a friend this week2

If it was a teen horoscope they are usually lighthearted and funny, not something that would have parents reacting the way the other girls have done. I really do think your daughter is twisting things slightly here, and not being entirely truthful. She has deleted the original message, and because she is in trouble she is trying to pretend it wasn't anything mean.

Drogosnextwife · 27/02/2019 10:30

You need to get a grip OP, you are blowing the way out of proportion and I agree you should have checked the message, bit telling that it's been deleted.

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