BIL- I say this is a problem - DH gets interesting set with me and denies its wrong

[AlwaysTheLastToKnow]

Dh’s Family have huge issues. After ten years of putting up with bullying and lies I stood up to my PIL and told my H I’d leave him if he didn’t support me and the kids and so we went no contact (there’s a big back story as to why I’m wary of his brother but he’s the only family member on my Dh’s side that sees the kids)

BIL- is single(never had a GF, very wealthy and socially a bit awkward. (I have a SN child who can struggle socially) he treats the kids like they are 3, insists on touching them
Constantly (they hate this and always have) I’ve tried gently telling him not to do it and when they say NO he must respect this but he ignores it. I’ve been more firm and told him he will ruin any relationships with them if he continues (he’s good for 30 minutes then back to type)

He comes overly twice a month and the kids will make any excuses they can (seeing friends-sports stuff-being I’ll) dh will not listen

And I’m sick of it.

I don’t think any uncle has free reign to barge into their bedrooms and wrestle them on their beds. I don’t think he should grab them in between the crotch to lift them up. Moreover the kids tell him to stop and visibly don’t want him near.

It’s causing an issue because I’m supporting the children and my dh says “that’s just how he is they’ve got to be polite to him”

Errr- no. This is totally at odds with everything I’ve taught the dc about their space and their bodies and how they should be respected by anyone when they say no.

I’m at the stage now where I’m planning stuff to clash with the visits

Kids are 9,12,15

HankNPat, that's exactly what I was thinking - how long this had been going on... Long enough the children fully recognise it as a pattern of attention which now that they can verbally advocate for themselves, they have stated they don't want.

I'm afraid I can't help but agree that OP is as culpable. Presumably it's her that the children have been telling as opposed to the DF and if it has gone on for years as it potentially appears, she's allowed it for all of that time. That's a very uncomfortable realisation to come to and the responses on here have confirmed JUST how serious this is and how seriously you should be taking it. So I am sorry that you were upset by the comments that drew your attention to that, but, those comments were 100% right.

If my DH wouldn't completely prevent BIL from coming to the house AT ALL, I'd leave him and take the children with me and report BIL and ensure that there was no contact with him. Even as they are now, what is DH takes DC with him somewhere and it turns out BIL is going too and he repeats these behaviours, or worse - they're no safer with you have home sadly as you've ably demonstrated. But all that can change if you take the appropriate action.

OP have you posted about this before?

I have a recollection of somebody posting about their BIL being odd/socially awkward and the whole family felt "off" around him apart from the husband whose brother it was.....and the woman walked in to find one of her kids half naked on his knee in the living room? Was that you?

GummyGoddess
Thanks 👍I understand now.

Mayflower
It is very eye opening to learn that 90% of children are removed because the mother is unable to protect her children. I hope op comes back and listens to what you have said.

(there’s a big back story as to why I’m wary of his brother but he’s the only family member on my Dh’s side that sees the kids)

Wonder what the back

I mean to say I wonder what the back story is

Similar behaviours historically in DHs family?

So, assuming this is true, you must do more to protect your dc. If this bil tried to give you an odd hug which involved him sticking his hand into your crotch, would your dh intervene?

I feel really sorry for your dc. He sounds like a very difficult character - and not one that I think anyone would want to spend a significant amount of time with.

Isn't it absolutely mental icelolly that people cannot correlate that what would be wrong with an adult is wrong with a child (like you can't even figure that one out for yourself!) - but you actually have to raise that example for them to have a hope of understanding it?!

I once saw a video about bullying (SO wish I could find it again, it should be compulsory viewing for all teachers) and showed the typical activities a school bully might do, but in an adult workplace with adult actors. It made me realise (this was several years) just how there's this crazy difference and how we say 'oh children are resilient' - they aren't! They get broken very easily.

Maybe your senses about him are right.

My step uncle used to play fight with me. During a game of rugby, he tackeled me and put his hand down my knickers and cupped my vagina.

I knew exactly what he had done. I stopped the game and hid in my room.

Your instincts are telling you something Op

doinitforthekids someone who was doing this to my son wouldn’t have the chance to do it again. Ever. The same as if they’d done it to me in this setting.
They may or may not have hands left.

Motherifcreek - how awful. Reading that has made me shudder.

Hear hear icelolly. Fuck politeness, fuck maintaining family connections - with people like that? Who cares if you become the villain of the piece, the children's protection should trump everything else.

Can't dh visit his brother if he wants to see him more? I would make that the norm. That way he anee hi lots but you and the children don't. Make sure dh doesn't guilt-trip the kids into going with him, though.

Tell DH that he can see his paedophilic brother away from your home whenever he wants but you don’t want him around your children. If he doesn’t agree to this you will have to make it official by reporting bil to the police and social services to get a protection order.

This. Absolutely.

You may need to clarify for your dh that there doesn’t have to be malicious or sexual intention behind his brother’s actions for them to be unwelcome or classed as abuse.

If bil isn’t able to understand and regulate his behavior because of his SN, then it is necessary for a neurotypical adult to step in and regulate it.

Being picked up and thrown on a bed is terrific fun for a toddler and pretty horrible for a teen. Even without the sexual element it’s not ok. I was the smallest in my class when everyone else was having growth spurts and I remember being picked up by bigger kids or wrestled and even done playfully it was horrible. I suspect that if you have this conversation the sexual aspect may be minimized and this thread will be dismissed as hysterical. I’m not minimizing that part, but even without that, being manhandled against your will is a deeply awful experience.

I hope you’re doing ok OP. This thread must be a frightening read. We’re here to help and support you to what you need to protect your dc

Mayflower43,

Your foster-children are lucky to have someone such as yourself caring for them.

I was abused in my childhood home, not sexually but emotionally and sometimes physically. Dad hugely manipulative, a charmer outside the home, horrendous within, never sought help, thought there was nothing wrong with him. Mum hugely passive and yes, she knew what he was like and stood by and let it happen. Whatever went on she was ready to excuse him, to minimise his abuse and to justify it. "That's just the way he is" is exactly what she said! And "He can't help it." And "You (i.e. the children) need to be more understanding."

 I don't forgive either of them (he is dead now) but I feel a particular contempt for her because she could have blown the whistle on him and didn't.  Like you say, this is a common scenario in people who have been abused within their home as children. The damage caused does not go away.

It’s a move I see my teenage son doing to his 3 year old nephew now.

I would discourage this tbh.

Uugghh, this is awful. Your poor children. You and your partner should be protecting them, not letting this creepy man touch and manhandle them. Would it be ok if he did it to you? No, of course not, so why should he be allowed to do this to your children who have very clearly said no, they are unhappy with it. This creep should be banned from even seeing the children, let alone be in a position to touch them. I bet they absolutely dread his visits. You need you put a stop to this NOW.