BIL- I say this is a problem - DH gets interesting set with me and denies its wrong

[AlwaysTheLastToKnow]

Dh’s Family have huge issues. After ten years of putting up with bullying and lies I stood up to my PIL and told my H I’d leave him if he didn’t support me and the kids and so we went no contact (there’s a big back story as to why I’m wary of his brother but he’s the only family member on my Dh’s side that sees the kids)

BIL- is single(never had a GF, very wealthy and socially a bit awkward. (I have a SN child who can struggle socially) he treats the kids like they are 3, insists on touching them
Constantly (they hate this and always have) I’ve tried gently telling him not to do it and when they say NO he must respect this but he ignores it. I’ve been more firm and told him he will ruin any relationships with them if he continues (he’s good for 30 minutes then back to type)

He comes overly twice a month and the kids will make any excuses they can (seeing friends-sports stuff-being I’ll) dh will not listen

And I’m sick of it.

I don’t think any uncle has free reign to barge into their bedrooms and wrestle them on their beds. I don’t think he should grab them in between the crotch to lift them up. Moreover the kids tell him to stop and visibly don’t want him near.

It’s causing an issue because I’m supporting the children and my dh says “that’s just how he is they’ve got to be polite to him”

Errr- no. This is totally at odds with everything I’ve taught the dc about their space and their bodies and how they should be respected by anyone when they say no.

I’m at the stage now where I’m planning stuff to clash with the visits

Kids are 9,12,15

What the hell are you doing letting this man anywhere near your children? If this is a real post then you should get your children locks on their bedroom doors immediately and you should tell your husband if he can't recognise abuse then you will have to live apart from him.

With the children, obviously.

Tell your DH, if someone sees your brother touching our children like this and reports him to the police, you do realise it will be classed as sexual assult.
Are you prepared to deal with that just because you don't want to tell him our children have outgrown his childish antics.
Your children would be within their rights to call themselves, and as adults will think we did not protect them.

You definitely need to stop this OP!

OP

You are not doing enough! Seriously.
That man would not enter my house. You are letting your children down

You need to protect your children.

Talk to Childline

Give your children the number too 0800 1111

It's free and confidential.

I wonder if you and your dh would be regarding as enabling in the eyes of the law.

This can't go on.

How is your DH so blind? Will you show him this thread?

I would tell BIL that if he touches them like that again you will report him. Hell, I'd probably report him anyway. He should not be around them.

Please be assured I’m saying stuff every time.

I say stuff openly (then to my Dh about how h needs to emphasis this)

He will ask where my eldest is and I will say “in their room”
He will ask” but I’m here won’t he come to say hello?”

Me “no sorry he doesn’t like he touching him and disrespecting his space-this is what happens if you don’t listen”

He will then sulk. He used to try to stay all day then I started inviting more people (he freezes up in company) we now have his visits more sparingly and for much less time. I wouldn’t care less if I never saw him again.

If I left my husband they’d see him constantly- ain’t gonna happen.

@AlwaysTheLastToKnow leaving as a last resort after trying everything to make DH see. Also I know it's easy to say and leaving a marriage for one issue isn't realistic and leaving would also include reporting BIL to child protection but I can say that because I'm not involved. but right now I would just leave the house when BIL is over.

Yes I will show him this thread after I’ve deleted a few posts from me about leaving him.

Brekkie

Your comment is offensive and disgusting- don’t talk about me like that.
All I have done is protect my kids

OP
Your inaction is appalling and enabling

As a follow on from showing your husband the thread, tell him you plan to discuss the matter with either the police or social services and take whatever steps necessary to protect your children.

I’m going to show my husband this thread and tell him that I report BIL if he doesn’t keep his hands to himself (when we see him) which is not very often now.

Dh would like to see his brother frequently as it’s the only family he has now. I don’t have any desire to have him near us.

Thanks for your comments

@whowantstoknkw

I will

Thank you.

He's sexually abusing your kids, and both you and DH are failing to protect them

Have a word with yourself OP and make the phone call to the police and social services . Now

Thing is, OP, your children are growing up; they are going to be becoming more and more aware that this creepy fucker is abusing them and their parents are doing nothing to prevent it. Sooner or later, one of your DC is going to tell a teacher or another trusted adult that Uncle X paws them about and won't stop when told to. (For the DC's sake, I rather hope it's sooner.)
And that adult will investigate, inform the police, inform SS, and it will be out of your hands.

BIL is not "disrespecting their space".

That's coming into their room without knocking, reading their diary or sitting too close to them on the sofa.

It's not touching them without consent, touching them even when consent has been explicitly withheld and certainly not when he's touching their crotch

That’s awful. When I met my DH we visited his friends’ kids and they used to jump on him, wrestle, tickle etc. As soon as they started getting a bit older he stopped...it’s how normal people behave! Would your DH play with them like this? No, because he knows it’s wrong deep down.

Dear sir,
Your children have asked you to stop someone from touching them in ways they do not like.
Right now they all hide in their rooms as they can not count on you to step up and stop your brother from invading their personal space...
Please be their dad and tell your brother he can not do this, if you see him so much as trying tell him no.
Also talk to your eldest and see just how far this has progressed. Before your child punches his uncle in anger.

Do you have a community police officer who could visit your house for a chat , to convince 'DH' how serious this is?

Having social issues/no partner/no kids is NOT an excuse for touching people (let alone grabbing them by the crotch) when they don't want you to.

WTAF!

Your poor kids.

Tell DH he can see BIL away from the DC, they can go out together.

It's a simple solution. If DH invites him into the home again tell BIL if he touches your DC you will be phoning the police and reporting him for assault as the DC do not want him touching them at all.

Touching someone's crotch without consent is sexual assault!

Your dh is really ok with your children repeatedly being sexually assaulted? If a stranger did that to me I'd call the police.

If I were you I'd either take the kids out every time he comes over or buy them all locks for their bedroom doors and tell them to lock themselves in their bedrooms and not come out while their uncle is there.